This is where the healing begins...

Good morning, world!

I love blogging.

I truly do. I don't just have my blog but I also belong to some other groups in which my story is shared with people all over the world. For the longest time I was ashamed of my story because I felt like I was so different. I was tormented horribly for years because of my story by others.The physical and emotional pain I felt from such a young age that I thought might be my life indefinitely is so far removed now. I have people reach out to me on a daily basis to tell me that because of my willingness to share my story, it's inspired them and made them believe that they can absolutely change their story, too. That heals my soul like nothing else ever has or ever could I think.

I love Blogger's format because it allows me to see all of the countries my blog has been read in. US, Canada, UK, Australia, Slovenia, Hong Kong, New Zealand, Indonesia, Ireland, Netherlands, Philippines, France, Germany, Poland, Mexico, Austria, Panama, Belgium, Norway, Russia, Japan, Pakistan, Turkey, Brazil, South Africa, Singapore, Finland and Ukraine. 28 countries.

People always ask "Why does God allow this to happen to someone?" For a long time I did wonder "Why me? Why do I have to endure this? Will it ever stop?" Had a friend not been horribly sick for many years and shared his story with me, I wouldn't be where I am today. I never would have started juicing nor would I know anything about Primal/Paleo. I wouldn't know about how much you can heal yourself when you take doctors and medications out of the equation. If I hadn't had all of those experiences, I wouldn't be able to help others the way that I have.

There is a song called Healing Begins by a group called Tenth Avenue North. My favorite part of the song says "Afraid to let your secrets out, everything that you hide can come crashing through the door now. But too scared to face all your fear, so you hide but you find that the shame won't disappear. So let it fall down. There's freedom waiting in the sound when you let your walls fall to the ground."

At dinner last night with a girlfriend, we were talking about the freedom I feel in knowing that I can't possibly feel more hurt than I've already felt before. While we were talking about something very specific, I feel as though that notion spills over into every part of my life. Physically, I can't possibly feel pain worse than what I've felt before. Emotionally, there is nothing that can ever hurt me more than I've already been hurt before. Spiritually, I can never be lower than I was before. There is such freedom in knowing that about myself. To know that my worst days are truly behind me and there is no turning back now is a truly incredible feeling.

For so many years I feel as though I walked through life merely existing. I have lived more in the past two years than the twenty-seven years before that. I embrace the life I have and know that God has absolutely used every part of me and my story. I know that I was designed to do more than just exist.

What's your story?

xoxo

Some days...

What?! Some days I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror, or notice that a sweater seems even bigger than it was a few weeks ago and I stop and stare. Today was one of those days. I ditched the sweater and couldn't believe what I saw in the mirror. It's so amazing to me the way the weight and inches have just been coming off since early Fall. More than that, I'm amazed by the internal transformation.

Your size doesn't make you happy. There will always be something about your body that you don't like no matter how much you weigh or what the tag on your clothing says. I've had months of soul searching now and I know that the people who know me best are also blown away. For the first time in my life my happiness is truly about myself. I accepted my size a long time ago after years and years of trying to lose weight but never being able to. I accepted that I would "live" my life in pain and discomfort as I had for more than a decade. I accepted that because it was all I had known for most of my life. One day in the Fall, I realized that just because you accept something doesn't mean you give up on the idea of what could be. Combining the juicing, eating mostly Primal/Paleo, chiropractic care plus truly understanding that I am SO much more than I have ever given myself credit for or ever allowed myself to be has made such a huge difference.

I am the happiest that I have ever been. I feel the best that I have ever felt. You know what's even more awesome than that? Knowing that I'm nowhere near finished with this whole process.

xoxo

Let's talk juice...

Hello, world!

Mean Green juice that I made this morning...gorgeous, isn't it?

I've had a lot of people asking me about juicing lately. I love to juice. It's truly changed my life. I knew before I started that juicing wouldn't be a diet per se, but instead would become a new lifestyle or identity. I knew that in starting to juice I would be leaving an old life filled with pain, agony, medications, doctors and depression behind me. Guess what...that's exactly what I've done!

Here are some great links from Joe the Juicer's website that talk about juicing and rebooting/detoxing...he's definitely an expert!

Juicing Benefits

Rebooting

Juicing vs. Blending

Something else that I do on a daily basis now is drink at least one large cup of hot water with lemon in the mornings. I've grown to like it so much that if I need a boost in the afternoons (like today) I'll have more.

Total weight loss as of this morning: 116 pounds

xoxo

So far...

Left-December 2008...Right-December 2014

There are times I walk past a mirror or see a picture of myself and I almost don't recognize myself. Most of the time it has nothing to do with the weight loss. My mother told me in the fall how good it was to see me so happy. I thought at the time it had to do with the guy I was dating who I had taken home with me. Last weekend, someone told me that when they look at me they see someone who finally sees what other have always seen. I corrected them and said "No, that's called happy. You see happy and you see peace." I've never had this as an adult. Happy on my own. Happy to have virtually no pain for the first time in 16 years. Happy to be exactly where I am at this very moment.

I went to a new chiropractor last night after work (yay!) and we talked at length about total wellness vs. purely physical health. I told him that has been my focus for several months now. He asked me what sort of a difference that has made and I told him it's made all of the difference in the world.

A friend sent this to me a couple of weeks ago and I have it saved in my phone. Once in a while when scrolling through pictures I see it and think "so far."

Inspiraton...

Hello, world!

I've been asked a lot recently to put more information into this blog about juicing and eating/living Primal/Paleo...I will definitely start doing that. I've also had a dozen people in the past month or so reach out and ask for my advice or my opinion on either of those topics and weight loss in general. I don't think I ever expected that there would be a day when others came to me for advice on that specific subject.

On my birthday, a good friend told me that I inspire her to be the happiest that she can be. That was one of the best things that anyone has ever said to me. I have people who don't know me and don't know more story ask me why I blog. 1. It's a wonderful outlet that allows me to think creatively in ways that have nothing to do with small children. 2. I would know nothing about juicing and the Primal/Paleo lifestyle if an acquaintance of mine hadn't started his own blog about his experiences with all of his health issues and how his life was saved. 3. I want to let other people know that it is never too late to take control of your life and live the way you were meant to live.

It lifts my soul every time someone reaches out to me and tell me that because of my story they have done ______________. I "lived" a life filled with medications, doctors, pain, depression and anxiety for most of my life. I wasn't living. I was getting by and some days that seemed like a stretch even. Two years ago when I started juicing, I had no idea that it would take me where it has. I'm so thankful for this journey that I've been on. I have a long way to go but I truly live life now and embrace every day.

Thank you for being a part of my story and for inspiring me.

xoxo

Try to stop me...

I dare you!

Five months. The picture on the left was at the end of July. The picture on the right was at the end of December. That's more than 50 pounds now since Labor Day. Total weight loss 113lbs now. What?!

This year...

Happy New Year, world!

Life. It's funny. It's ironic. It's confusing. It's complicated. Sometimes, it's really quite simple though.

You all know I like to make things appear neat and pretty even when they are certainly less than that. That was pretty much the case from mid November until New Years. I fought with myself...a lot and for what? Honestly, I'm not sure. I woke up one day and things just made sense. People come and go in our lives and we can choose to be thankful for what they brought, whether it was good or bad and move on, or we can act like it didn't matter...sometimes we can even be mad. I choose to be thankful and to move on.

I don't know if I ever thought I would ever be at a place where I was so happy to just be me...but I am. I had a discussion last night with someone about how changing the way we choose to look at any number of things can completely change your life. I have seen this to be so true the past several months over and over. I see myself in a completely different light and had anything in this past year happened differently than it had, I probably wouldn't be at this point with myself...I wouldn't be happy or feel such peace.

xoxo

Feed it or fight it...

Hello, world!

How on Earth is Christmas next week?!

Most of this last month has been a total blur to me. As of last Wednesday I had lost 38 pounds since Labor Day, officially losing everything I had gained back plus a pound. This morning I'm down another four pounds...which is kind of amazing after eating out for basically every meal for four days while in Cincinnati this week, having no juice and not going to the gym at all. 42 pounds in 3 1/2 months.

I will say that after three weeks now without Prevacid, something I had been on for more than a decade, I have noticed how much of an intolerance I have to carbs (derived from grains), dairy and foods with a high level of acidity. How did I never notice it before? Well, I had at least one medication regulating my digestion system for me. It sounds strange to say that at 29 I don't think I've ever really "heard" my body talk to me before. I had so many medications for SO long making it function (but not really) in a way to just sort of get me through each day. Having the only medication I take daily now being for allergies has made such a huge impact on my life.

I feel as though I am able to make food choices now in a completely different way. Until probably two weeks ago, I obviously knew what I "should" eat yet in many ways I still wasn't feeling how I should. Then one day it's like my body just started processing everything in a way it hadn't since I was probably 13. If I don't eat something that would normally be really tempting for me, I don't feel as though I am depriving myself. I don't sit there and think "man, I really wish I could eat that!" Instead I'm not tempted because I know if I took even one bite it would make me feel less than optimal. For instance, at dinner the other night a plate of biscuits was placed onto the table. I didn't even think about eating one. I knew if I did the dairy and grains in it would almost instantly give me a headache and make my stomach feel blah. I've also noticed that with the way my body is processing food these days, I get fuller much faster, too.

Someone asked me earlier this week why chiropractic has anything to do with digestion. I explained to her what I had learned about it thus far from having adjustments, the other things I've read about it and the physical changes I've felt since. If anyone is proof that chiropractic works it's me!

These few articles talk a little bit about why it helps, too:

Digestion problems?
Helps digestive disorders
Chiro Journal: Digestion

What's in a picture...

Short and simple post (but a bigger one coming tomorrow!)...

Last night on my way out, I caught a glimpse of myself and (with a picture from four weeks ago in my head) thought "how bout that?!"...I could suddenly tell a noticeable difference in the last several weeks so I snapped a picture. This morning when I put my coat on I noticed that it needed to be buttoned like two inches to the left of where the buttons actually are and how much fabric gathers now when I pull the ties enough to fit.

I think this picture speaks for itself...

xoxo

105...

You know those weeks where you should feel really good about yourself and the progress you're making but you don't necessarily? Yeah.

As you know about a year and a half ago I had gotten down to 104lbs from my heaviest weight. I plateaued for about five or six months and then gained a total of 37lbs back between November of last year and August of this year. Starting in the beginning of September, I woke up one day and was mentally and emotionally in such a good place (somewhere I don't think I had ever been before)...and the weight I had gained back started coming off again. Last week I made it to the 35lb mark. I haven't been to the gym since Sunday and have been icky since but as of this morning I'm down 38lbs since Labor day...which means what? It means I'm now down 105 from my heaviest, surpassing the 104 I hit last year!

Chiro...

Hello, world!

So I meant to do this post a week ago. Literally, it's been sitting in my draft folder for a week. Sigh.

Chiropractic. How many of you see a chiropractor? Why did you first start going? How has it helped you? When I started seeing mine about 2 1/2 months ago, I'm not sure that I expected the changes that I've seen would come as quickly as they have.

Guess what... In the 2 1/2 months since I started going I've had significantly less pain, I feel less stressed out than I normally am (which has been incredibly surprising as of late), I have been sleeping better (longer through the night, falling asleep more easily, not waking up with my hips feeling like they are on fire, etc...), my anxiety level is less, my weight has started coming off a lot faster, and as of today I have been off of Prevacid for 12 days (which is huge considering I had been taking it daily since I was roughly 15), no pain killers in two months, and no ibuprofen (which I used to live on) for probably six weeks. I'm down to one OTC, Claritin, and in time I will try to get off of that, too.

I'm able to think about things much more clearly, I've been a lot more active (worked out four times last week and took two classes), I feel like I've been able to look at how I've thought about things for years and really have begun to change parts of myself that I had struggled with for years. My digestion system is clearly improving by the fact that I'm at 12 days without Prevacid now. I feel stronger and flexible.

All of that is AMAZING, especially for me after more than 15 years of illness and pain.

Perfection...

I like to be right. Apparently all the time. Even about things that don't matter at all. The sad thing is that I don't even realize (most of the time)that's what I'm doing. More than being right I try to make everything be perfect...all the time. Guess what... it's a really dumb thing to do.

I think for SO long now I've always wanted to have the right answers to every question. I've always wanted to do things the way other people would expect me to do them, or the way I've been told they should be done in order to make others happy. I am a people pleaser. I want them happy. I wrap things in really pretty packages and put glitter all over it because somehow in my mind I think that is what people expect of me or want from me.

I. Am. Ridiculous. Truly. It's really okay to admit that. As much as I like to be right (about everything) I also can admit when I am wrong. In the last several months of soul searching I've realized how long I've put everyone else before myself. I've worried for so long about making other people happy. I think for many years I tried to make as many situations appear as perfect as I could because of how unhappy I was with myself. That's not okay. Because guess what... when you do things a certain way for so long (no matter the reason), eventually it becomes an automatic response. Worse than that, people really do come to expect certain things from you because it what you've always done. Even worse than that, you wind up fighting yourself because of it. What's the point in any of that?

Once in a very great while, God puts someone in our lives to show us things that somehow we just keep missing. Maybe we've been told things over and over again before but the manner in which we are told isn't received very well. Then one day someone can say something in such a sincere way and it's like hearing the words for the first time. I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to be right all of the time about everything. The world will go on, and maybe, just maybe you'll find more peace.

Progress...

Hello, world!

Happy December! This is absolutely my favorite time of the year. I love the holidays. This year they are even sweeter for me than they have been in recent years. Last week was my first Thanksgiving with any of my family in FIVE years. In a few weeks I will get to spend Christmas with my family for the first time in THREE years. This year there are new people in my life and I'm excited to get to share this season with them, too.

Here's what I'm leery about though...the food. Anybody else?

I feel like I've finally gotten into a place where I am consistently losing again and it feels amazing. It's been three months exactly since I really started to embrace juicing, smoothies and eating mostly Primal/Paleo. I haven't even gone gung ho about it yet. I decided that at this point for me the only way to make it about wellness and not just losing weight is to focus on myself as a whole. That being said, in three months I have lost 35 of 37 pounds I had gained back. Yay!

Monday morning when I stepped on the scale after being away for the better part of the week for Thanksgiving, I found myself thinking "Well, it could have been worse!" I gained a pound and a half which isn't a big deal and as of today that is gone. But I found myself thinking this morning how different this holiday season is. I love to cook and I love to bake. I'm good at it and it's a stress reliever. I love baking yummy things for Christmas and spending far too long obsessing over decorating cookies with frosting that isn't so easy to make. I know, I know...I'm a little OCD and tend to want everything to be perfect (we'll get into that one in the next post!). I'm thinking that even though I'm "home" now and will be spending Christmas with family, maybe I should skip the baking this year or at least not do what I would normally do. I don't want New Years to hit and see that instead of losing or maintaining through Christmas that I gained back however much. Maybe it's silly but it's a mental thing for me. Deprivation doesn't work for me. Setting limits for myself does though.

I really tried to limit myself with what I ate last week while I was at home and feel like I did a relatively good job. I tried to limit the grains and the sugar as much as possible. I had no juice, no smoothies and I can always tell a difference when there is none included in my diet through the week. I'm more tired, more irritable. I've also seen the difference in my mood and how I physically feel when I eat grains and dairy. Those have to go. It's just not worth it.

For those of you trying to lose weight right now, how are you dealing with avoiding certain things you might normally eat during the holidays?

I finally get that there is a drive and a desire inside of me to be better. Period. To feel better. To do better. To be the very best me that I can be and not for anyone else other than myself because it's what I deserve. Progress. 

I am enough...

Yesterday at a coffee shop I had this exchange with the barista:
Him: How you are you today?
Me: Oh, I'm fine, thanks. How are you?
Him: You know, I'm pretty good for a Saturday.
Me: I don't even know how it's Saturday.
Him: It's been one of those weeks, huh?
Me: Yeah it has been, in every possible way. I have no idea how I got to Saturday this week.

We all have good days and bad days...good weeks and bad weeks. This was a bad week in many regards. Those of you who have been following my story for the past 2 1/2 years (or in some instances, the 16 years that I've had a chronic illness), you know that I've fought tooth and nail to get to where I am now.

How many of you have ever lost more than 100 pounds? Not many I'm assuming. And if you have, do you still need to lose more than that? No? Yeah, that's what I thought. Guess what--it's hard. When you've tried for a decade and a half and never been able to lose more than 30 pounds at a time, have a setback, a change of medications and then you gain it all back and then some, it's hard. When you are contending with a dozen medications to do so, it's hard. But I did it. At my lowest point I was down 104 pounds from my highest weight.

I hit a plateau that lasted for about six months and I was okay with that. In those six months I traveled A LOT, went to a lot of baseball games all over the east coast and went to concerts until I was sick of them. And then life got really crappy again. I was in a situation that seemed like the worst thing I could have ever gone through and was in the most dragged out breakup in the world. For five months it was a chore to wake up every day. I went to work, and would generally start crying as soon as I would get into the car on the way home. Even though we were never married, what I went through with my ex was basically a separation that lasted for five months. I suddenly wasn't tucking the little boy I had come to love as my own in every night, I wasn't helping him get ready for school, and I was missing the daily moments that happened when we all lived together. I still saw them but that made it even harder than it would have been if the break up had just happened when it should have. During all of that, I had a severe injury in which I tore multiple ligaments on the top of my foot. I couldn't work out anymore. I stopped caring. I was all but broken in so many ways.

How many of you have ever experienced something so painful that it made you stop caring? The break-up finally happened and I left DC ultimately. By the time I left I had gained back probably 25 pounds. In the midst of the move, job changes and dealing with no longer seeing "my kid" at all I gained another 12 pounds the first 2 1/2 months after I had moved. Yes, I lost 104 pounds and within a year I gained back 37.

Then one day in July, I woke up. I literally woke up from some horrible dream I had been in for a long time and I could breathe again. I realized I had never forgiven myself for allowing someone else to help turn me into someone I never ever wanted to be. After that I started realizing how strong I am, how much I've gotten through, and that no matter what has happened to me I have never given up. Ever. By Labor Day I had gotten to a point where I had realized all of the things that I had given up for seemingly no good reason and I told myself that it would never happen again. Since the beginning of September I've lost 27 of the 37 pounds that I had gained back.

My level of commitment to my health was put into question this week and it hurt me. I don't care who you are, it's not something that anyone gets to question (at least not in the way that it was done) unless you have been in exactly my shoes. Not only have I lost 27 pounds in 2 1/2 months, but I am mentally and emotionally in the best place I've ever been in so I would say that my level of commitment shows. I said once that if I never lost another pound again I could be happy. I said that because over the course of the hardest year of my life, I have learned that my happiness is not defined by a weight, a size, a shape or anything physical. My happiness is not defined by having a significant other in my life or not. My happiness is not defined by the amount of money I make because I assure you it's quite a bit less here than it was in DC. My happiness is defined by how I feel about myself. I've made more mistakes in my life than I care to ever admit but what I can say is that I have been through more at 29 than most people will ever go through in a lifetime and it has never stopped me. It hasn't kept me from living my dreams. It hasn't kept me from loving with all of my heart and soul. It hasn't beaten me, period. If anything it has made me stronger than I have ever given myself credit for.

If you count the 27 pounds I've lost of what I had gained back, I am down 94 pounds from my highest point. More than that, I love myself now. When I was at loss of 104 last year, guess what, I didn't like myself. I wasn't good to myself. Sure I was helping myself out but only in a physical sense. Mentally and emotionally I was in a really bad place. Today I know exactly what I am made of and everything that I want in my life and what the ultimate goal is. With all of the physical problems I have, it is absolutely going to take time to get to a point of physically feeling great every single day. But you can't get to that point without being in a really good place mentally and emotionally though. You can't get there without loving yourself first when you've been where I've been.

Left- late July. Right-Today...I'd call that progress and commitment.

Physically, I'm not where I want to be. I know where I'm going though. I know I will get there. I know that because I know why I'm doing it. I know that there is nothing that I can't do. And maybe I am being a little defensive right now, but when I'm questioned about something that is so deeply personal for so many reasons, when I know the progress I am making, you better believe I am going to get defensive about it. I've earned that right.

I want a high five...

So hard sometimes...

Hello, world!

Do you ever have those days (or weeks) where waking up, getting out of bed and being an adult is just hard? Yeah? Me too. I often wish there was a magic reset or do-over button. But then again, everything happens for a reason, right?


I've had a lot of discussions with a variety of people as of late about how hard life can be--how unfair it really is sometimes. Sometimes I think that Peter Pan had the right idea about life. Being a grown up is tough some days.

Life can't be all about sunshine and roses every day, right? How else do we learn and grow? I say this over and over and sometimes I feel like a broken record but it deserves to be said again. I am not the same person I was a year ago. I have surprised myself this week... Like majorly surprised myself, "wish I hadn't already bought myself a birthday present cause I deserve a gift" surprised myself. Old me would be a basket case right now. Better, stronger, wiser me is strangely confident. Congratulations, self...it's about time.

I'm a worrier by nature I swear and I'm REALLY good at it. I have been known to literally worry myself sick time and time again. I usually lose a lot of sleep from it. I thought that is where I would be this week but I'm not. I'm not sure what to make of it either except that maybe I'm finally starting to get that there are things I have absolutely zero control over.

Maybe I'm also finally trusting that God really does have a plan for everything. Maybe I'm getting that His time is perfect and mine is nowhere near it.

There is a reason for EVERY single twist, turn and pause that my life takes. More than that, there is beauty and room for growth in all of it.

29...

Hello, world!

I tried to do this post on my birthday...and then I tried again the day after to finish and that just didn't happen. I went to Chicago to celebrate for the weekend so I'm just now getting a chance to sit and breathe.

29. Twenty nine. How did THAT happen?!

The start of 29 has been so very different from how 28 started. I wouldn't trade where I'm at now for anything. A lot of women I know dread/dreaded turning 29. They mourn their last year of being a 20-something. It's as if the fact that they are almost 30 (gasp!) is a death sentence or something. I don't get it. I feel like I'm in the best place I've ever been in and it can only go up for me at this point. My teens were so horrifically bad and almost all of my 20's, too, so it can only get better. I'm confident in saying that because of how I feel today.

There was a lot of driving time over the weekend so what better time for self-reflection?

It's hard for me to not make comparisons because I feel like I'm at such a different place physically, mentally and emotionally now from I was a year ago. I think once you pinpoint exactly what it is that is so completely different and you have hindsight, you should be able to say it out loud at least once. Hearing yourself say things aloud is necessary sometimes to come full circle.

A year ago I felt like every single day (for months) I had the life sucked out of me. I'd go to sleep, wake up and it would happen all over again. Physically, I stopped caring because mentally and emotionally I was such a wreck. I can't stress enough how poisonous certain people or situations you are in can become and how it can wreak total havoc on your entire life. I cried every single day for months. I wouldn't eat or if I actually did eat, more often than not it wasn't what I should have been eating after all of the weight I had lost. I barely slept. I put a smile on my face to the best of my ability every day for months because I didn't know what else to do. I was angry and saddened by another person, but more than that I was angry with myself for not doing what I should have done out of fear. Even the first month or so after I left DC I was still angry at myself for how much I allowed to happen.

I made a comment yesterday to the bf (and today to one of the bff's) how nice and relaxing this weekend was. Even though I was tired and a bit cranky at times (thanks, pms.), it was fantastic to just go somewhere I love and just take it in and not have the world end over little things such as almost missing a turn, or having to circle around a building three times before getting into the parking garage. I didn't realize until we were driving home from Chicago last night how many times through years of traveling with someone I subjected myself to completely unnecessary bouts of absolute madness. I've realized that many, many times over about a plethora of topics as of late and there is so much peace in those moments. Every time it happens I just close my eyes and thank God (yet again) for closing doors that needed to be closed.

Being able to go to sleep at night with peace is something I'm not sure I thought I'd ever experience. I like the person I am today. One year ago, I didn't. At all. Today I know how much stronger I am because of everything I've been through. One year ago, I felt defeated daily. I know I've already been through the worst in so many ways. Today I know there is nothing that I can't handle or overcome.

I couldn't have asked for a better birthday. Times have changed and I'm so thankful that they have. C. S. Lewis said "There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." I have found this to be so very true.

If you knew then (whenever your then is) what you know now, is there anything you would do differently? I've thought before that I would have left sooner if I did, but you know what, God's timing is absolutely perfect and mine is nowhere near it. I don't think there is anything wrong with talking about things from your past when it pertains to something in your current life. When you are able to stop and appreciate what is because of where you have been...well, that's when you know that you've grown and are moving forward.

Choose happy...

Good morning, world!

I've realized this past week that one of the main differences in myself now compared to the last two years (well really, the prior 29 years) is that I'm just done letting anyone else take away my happiness. I'm done fighting with myself because of it.

I think the first year that I was juicing and trying to change my lifestyle it was more just about physical changes. Physical changes only get you so far if there aren't emotional and mental changes, too. To truly be happy with yourself and with changing your life, all parts have to line up and for me it just wasn't...at all. When you make such a huge lifestyle change (or you're trying really hard to), it's incredibly hard to stay on track with it when things happen that make you simply not care. For the better part of this past year I just stopped caring.

I care now. I care a lot. I've noticed that mentally and emotionally I have so much more peace than I think I've ever had, but know there is still a lot of peace to achieve. Having that makes the rest of it easier. If I never lost another pound and stayed this size for the rest of my life I know I could still be happy...that's big for me.

Choose happy. Choose life. Choose love. Above all of those you have to choose yourself because you won't find a happy place without loving yourself first. I know that from many years of the exact opposite.

Happy day before my birthday, everyone!

xoxo

Brrrr...

Hello, world!

Is it unseasonably cold where you're at right now? It is here and you know what-- I love it! I'm heading to Chicago this weekend for my birthday and the chance of snow while I'm there more than excites me!

Something I don't think I've ever been a fan of is coat shopping. Being heavier, I have always hated how 99.99999999% of them make me look like a freaking box. I bought one in late fall of last year that I just fell in love with. I loved everything about the way it fit me and actually made me feel like I wasn't a box. I figured when I moved that I would never wear it again thinking that by this winter I would definitely be at least two to three sizes smaller again. Well...we all know that didn't happen.

When I unpacked said coat probably six weeks ago to hang in my front closet, I was super frustrated because of how snug it was. I got mad at myself all over again for gaining back some of what I had lost. I probably even cried about it. I briefly wore it over the weekend but never really had it buttoned or tied. I did notice this morning when I buttoned up for Old Man Winter that it definitely felt better on but hadn't really looked at it. My mom had said on Sunday that she noticed I had lost some in the few weeks since I had been home...I finally saw it today. I had noticed at all in any of my clothing the past two months that I had lost any. My favorite coat fits like a glove again and I can't say how much I love that it hugs my curves instead of making me look like a box!

When giving my thing I like about myself for yesterday and today I said that 1. I love my hips and I love how perfectly small children fit on them (kind of important as a nanny and hopeful someday momma). It's been really hard for me with all of the weight loss to list things that I physically like about my body. I'm generally always stuck between two different sizes of clothing which makes shopping a chore instead of fun like it used to be. Losing weight/fat unevenly across your body is also really frustrating. I'm hippy though and that hasn't changed with the weight loss thus far, nor do I see it changing after I lose more...and I do like that!

2. I like that I can laugh at myself and my own ridiculousness. It's true, I say really ridiculous things sometimes, and more so about myself than anything else...once I hear myself say them then I can laugh about it.

xoxo

What you don't realize...

Until it's already taken nearly everything from you, we often don't realize how important it is to surround ourselves with people who will always lift us up no matter what. I am extremely blessed to have a very large group of people whom I have known my entire life who do this any time, day or night, no matter what they have going on in their lives. My church family. I was born and raised in the same church that my momma was born and raised in. My grandpa was a deacon there and taught Sunday school. I have people in my life who pray for me and lift me up, who have loved my family for long before I ever came into the picture.

I know that a lot of people aren't big on social media and to each their own. For me, during the last eight years of my life, it has been the main way that I get to stay in touch with my church family. It's been years and years since I've been there and I've lived as far as a thousand miles away but they are always there. When a variety of family members have been gone through cancer, when I've lost grandparents, when I've been in so much pain that all I could do was cry myself to sleep, when I said goodbye to the child I loved as my own (and so many other things), all I had to do was write one post and I had dozens of people praying for me. Dozens of people lifting me up. If any of them post anything, they are instantly in my prayers as well.

Given that I've known my entire life just how important it is to surround yourself with people who lift you up, who encourage you and genuinely want the best for you, how is it possible to not see how important that is in your personal, day to day life? For me having someone who is supportive of my wants and and my needs, who understands to the best of their ability how I might physically feel and how that affects my emotions is essential. When I don't have that in my life it stresses me out, I lose sleep, I have even worse pain from the way my muscles tense up and it physically makes me sick.

I mentioned that every day this month I am supposed to say one positive thing about myself...and how hard that can be for me. It may seem silly but when you mentally get used to beating yourself up because of people who were in your life for so long, it's a hard pattern to break. This whole month thus far has shown me things about myself every single day that have released a lot of pent up thoughts and emotions...and that's a fantastic thing! I somehow didn't realize how much I have beaten myself up for...how much I haven't forgiven myself for.

Do you know what all of that physically does to a healthy person? Do you know what it does to someone who has had chronic pain for half of their life?

Today I was reminded of things that I used to allow to happen to me...things I used to allow to be said to me and of me. There were things that I never realized that I LET happen until after I was removed from the situation. I was driving home tonight from work and thought how freeing it is to have someone in my life who pushes me to see the best in myself...someone who pushes me to see that all of the things I want for myself and for my life I can absolutely have. Having someone concerned for my total well-being is such a blessing to me.

xoxo