Monday, November 17, 2014


Hello, world!

I tried to do this post on my birthday...and then I tried again the day after to finish and that just didn't happen. I went to Chicago to celebrate for the weekend so I'm just now getting a chance to sit and breathe.

29. Twenty nine. How did THAT happen?!

The start of 29 has been so very different from how 28 started. I wouldn't trade where I'm at now for anything. A lot of women I know dread/dreaded turning 29. They mourn their last year of being a 20-something. It's as if the fact that they are almost 30 (gasp!) is a death sentence or something. I don't get it. I feel like I'm in the best place I've ever been in and it can only go up for me at this point. My teens were so horrifically bad and almost all of my 20's, too, so it can only get better. I'm confident in saying that because of how I feel today.

There was a lot of driving time over the weekend so what better time for self-reflection?

It's hard for me to not make comparisons because I feel like I'm at such a different place physically, mentally and emotionally now from I was a year ago. I think once you pinpoint exactly what it is that is so completely different and you have hindsight, you should be able to say it out loud at least once. Hearing yourself say things aloud is necessary sometimes to come full circle.

A year ago I felt like every single day (for months) I had the life sucked out of me. I'd go to sleep, wake up and it would happen all over again. Physically, I stopped caring because mentally and emotionally I was such a wreck. I can't stress enough how poisonous certain people or situations you are in can become and how it can wreak total havoc on your entire life. I cried every single day for months. I wouldn't eat or if I actually did eat, more often than not it wasn't what I should have been eating after all of the weight I had lost. I barely slept. I put a smile on my face to the best of my ability every day for months because I didn't know what else to do. I was angry and saddened by another person, but more than that I was angry with myself for not doing what I should have done out of fear. Even the first month or so after I left DC I was still angry at myself for how much I allowed to happen.

I made a comment yesterday to the bf (and today to one of the bff's) how nice and relaxing this weekend was. Even though I was tired and a bit cranky at times (thanks, pms.), it was fantastic to just go somewhere I love and just take it in and not have the world end over little things such as almost missing a turn, or having to circle around a building three times before getting into the parking garage. I didn't realize until we were driving home from Chicago last night how many times through years of traveling with someone I subjected myself to completely unnecessary bouts of absolute madness. I've realized that many, many times over about a plethora of topics as of late and there is so much peace in those moments. Every time it happens I just close my eyes and thank God (yet again) for closing doors that needed to be closed.

Being able to go to sleep at night with peace is something I'm not sure I thought I'd ever experience. I like the person I am today. One year ago, I didn't. At all. Today I know how much stronger I am because of everything I've been through. One year ago, I felt defeated daily. I know I've already been through the worst in so many ways. Today I know there is nothing that I can't handle or overcome.

I couldn't have asked for a better birthday. Times have changed and I'm so thankful that they have. C. S. Lewis said "There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." I have found this to be so very true.

If you knew then (whenever your then is) what you know now, is there anything you would do differently? I've thought before that I would have left sooner if I did, but you know what, God's timing is absolutely perfect and mine is nowhere near it. I don't think there is anything wrong with talking about things from your past when it pertains to something in your current life. When you are able to stop and appreciate what is because of where you have been...well, that's when you know that you've grown and are moving forward.

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