When fear becomes reality...

Hello, world...

I write because it helps me heal. I write in hope of helping others heal. So what does one write when there are no words that can heal?

Three weeks ago today my world was shattered. For as long as I can remember, I feared a life without my dad. My worst fear is now my reality and that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. When I was eight years old, my dad had five bypasses done and after all was said and done (after multiple complications), he was given two years on the long side to live. By the grace of God he got another twenty one years. Shouldn't I be happy I got that at least? Yes. Is it enough? Not hardly. When you always know in the back of your head that your dad is on borrowed time, there is an unending fear in the back of your mind every time the phone rings.

Probably more than most little girls, I dreamed of my daddy walking me down the aisle and seeing me have kids, always knowing that I probably wouldn't get to have that. There was a time in my life when I thought I was with the person my dad would walk me down the aisle towards, and I was raising a child my dad cared for as if he were my own. There was joy in that for me, knowing that something I wanted to share with my daddy for so long was within reach. Then it was gone.

Most of you know that last month my life changed as well as his. There are no words to describe how thankful I am that until the last two days of his life, he got to live in a way that he hadn't been able to for more than two decades. He got to sleep peacefully at night, wake up without pain, walk without his cane, go fishing (something that he loved almost as much as his grandkids) and truly enjoy it again. He got to have hope that he would have several more years like that. He had hope that he would be there to walk me down the aisle one day and to hold my children. I had hope of that for the first time. When you suddenly find hope in something that you never thought would happen and then in an instant it's gone the sadness is overwhelming.

Sometimes the sadness is so overwhelming that I feel pain in every part of my body and it's hard to simply breathe. Other times I'm okay and it doesn't seem real at all. I'm sad for my family. I'm especially sad for my sweet nephews who love their grandpa so much and will never understand the depths of how much he loved them. I'm sad for my dogs who still don't know what to do without him around. I'm sad for my future child or children who will never call him grandpa. I'm sad that the one thing I wanted more than anything as a little girl will never happen. I am 29 years old and God willing I still have another 50-60 years...I cannot fathom living that long without my dad. Every time I post anything at all on facebook, I expect to get a notification that he has commented on it. When the Cardinals are playing, I expect to talk to him. Every time I wake up in my parents house, I expect him to be in the living room. I expect to hear his corny jokes. I expect to hug him when I get to my hometown and when I leave to head back to the city.

As a Christian, I know that my daddy is in Heaven and his body is perfect. I know he is finally with his parents again. I was named after his mom who passed away 34 years ago. My whole life I've heard about how much he missed her. I'm happy for him. I'm happy he's home now and never ever has to feel another day of pain. I know I will see him again someday. However, none of that really makes me feel better right now. I miss my dad so much. There's a song by MercyMe called Homesick and the first part of it plays in my head many times throughout the day. "You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times and at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you. But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry is how long must I wait to be with you. I close my eyes and I see your face. If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place. Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow. I've never been more homesick than now."

Even though he had suffered so much in the past twenty one years, it was still very sudden. He'd had a flareup for a couple of days of his hiatal hernia and the pain was so sever that it made his heart weaker from the spikes in his blood pressure. At 1pm he had made a post on facebook and by 2pm he was gone. My nephews were at the house when it happened and I thank God that they didn't see him like that, but my heart breaks for my mom for finding him just gone.

In the past 15 months I have had a lot of sorrow and grief to get through but it all pales in comparison to losing my daddy. I also know that if I was still living in DC, I wouldn't have had all of the time over the last year that I got to have with him. I never would have found my way to a chiropractor who changed my life by introducing me to Zeal, and thus my dad would never have gotten to have the last month that he did. I had back to back weekends at home with him in May and that wouldn't have been possible if I still lived in DC. If I still lived in DC, I wouldn't have had ten days with my family over the past three weeks and I don't know if I would be able to be a functioning human being. I may be very sad off and on throughout the day right now but being able to be here so close to my momma, my sister, my sweet nephews and several close friends is what keeps me going. In time it won't hurt like it does now. Right now the grief comes in huge waves and all I can do is ride them.

One thing I've learned in the last few weeks is that people have all sorts of ideas of what they think they should say to try to make it better. Nothing makes it better and there are some things that really do make it worse. If you have a loved one who is grieving, just love them and listen when the want to talk, let them cry if they need to cry. Pray for them. Sometimes not saying a word is the best thing you can do. There are no magic words that heals a heart that is absolutely devastated. Being able to comfort someone goes a long way though. This week I'm trying to get back to normal and back into a routine. It's the strangest feeling. I still feel like I'm going to wake up and it will all just go back to normal and this will have been nothing more than a nightmare...but I know that isn't the case and this is the new normal.

I miss you and love you so much, daddy.

17 miles...

Happy (Transformation) Tuesday!

You know those times when you do something that you never EVER thought you'd do? That seems to be happening on a daily basis around here. I. Love. It. On Sunday I rode a little over 17 miles at the gym. What's crazier is that I had no joint or muscle pain afterwards, ran errands for hours after, had the yoga and weights portion of my workout at home after that and still had energy. Amazing. It's amazing to me that the body in most of those pictures is gone. It's amazing that one in the middle exists and can do things I never dreamed of being capable of.

Believe in yourself and everything that you ARE capable of doing. I'm living proof that you can do something if you just believe.

xoxo

Do more, be more, live more...

Hello world!

What a CRAZY few weeks it has been. In the past week especially, I have seen just how much my life has changed in the past eight months. Eight months ago I had seeds of hope planted into my soul that were never there before. About seven months ago, chiropractic care began to change my life. Six months ago my entire thought process changed. Every single day since then BIG things have happened. My life has come full circle as of late and I've seen that things I have in my life directly stem back to those two months in the fall.

Last night I had the opportunity to listen to two incredible speakers from within the health world. One shared his story and it was so clear how many people would have given up all hope in his shoes but he chose not to. He knew that giving up was not in God's plan for his life. The other speaker after that talked about never giving up hope and how sharing your story can give others hope they so desperately need.

I share my story on a daily basis because there was once a time in my life for many, many years in which I didn't have hope. I walked through this world daily resigned to the fact that I would live with excruciating pain for the rest of my life. I had doctors either tell me it was all in my head or that taking this pill or that pill would help, which it never really did. My life was not my own. I wasn't really living. I was merely getting by and afraid of doing anything different that might cause more pain. I'm not even 30 yet...I assure you that is NOT living. It's being trapped within your own body almost paralyzed.

Yes, I've lost a ton of weight over the past two years on my own. Yes, I've gotten myself off of all medications with the exception of a once a day allergy pill. Yes, I had reduced my pain level significantly. Did I ever believe I could truly feel how I do today? No. Not at all.

A little over a month ago now, my chiropractor talked me into giving Zeal Wellness a try. I am on day 27 right now and I assure you that I am living a life beyond anything I ever dreamed was possible for me after the previous 16 years. Do you know what it's like to suddenly feel awake when it's felt like you never sleep? Or what it's like to truly feel alive after feeling trapped for more than half of your life? There are no words to accurately describe that. 27 days in and I sit here without joint pain. I've not had a migraine or cluster headache for 27 days. I have slept all night long and woken up feeling ready for whatever the world is going to throw at me every day now. I have had energy that I still don't even quite know what to do with. While continuing with my Primal Diet and using Zeal, I have lost 14.5lbs and 27.7" all over in 27 days. Seriously. It's unreal. I went shopping in a non-plus size store today and bought multiple items and it felt amazing.

 

Then there is my dad who has seen miracles that I never thought I'd see happen. My dad has had heart disease since I was in grade school. He's had multiple heart attacks and surgeries since 1994. He's had severe gout and hernia pain for many years now. He's dealt with pain for more than my entire life. For the past six years or so he has had to increasingly use a cane to walk. He's been told by doctors time and time again that it's amazing he is alive. I don't believe he'd had a full nights sleep in decades. My dad's quality of life has been very poor for as long as I can remember and for the longest time I was certain he would never walk me down the aisle. While that may seem silly, it's literally been a fear I've had since I was a child and I no longer have that fear. My dad is 24 days into Zeal and pain free. He is sleeping all night long. His blood pressure has dropped roughly five points. He doesn't have to sleep during the day.  I might be 29 and getting a new life I've never had but my dad is 72 and finally getting to live again.

If you want to do more, to be more, to live more than what you are doing right now...you can. Do not ever let anyone tell you that you can't. Change your story. Change someone else's story. I did and you know what? I've never felt happier.

Zeal is not a cure all. It's not magic. Zeal is an incredible mix of super foods that is designed to help your body achieve optimal wellness. Zeal allows your body to do the things it is supposed to do. I wake up every day with so much excitement because I can't wait to see how it's going to continue to change my life or the lives of others. Do you get to wake up and know that you are going to change someones life today? I do. There's nothing like it. If you want to know more about Zeal Wellness, send me a message. Check out my website-- tressietucker.zealforlife.com.

xoxo

It's like a Christmas miracle around here...

Good morning, world!

Do you ever wake up and think "Am I seriously going to deal with this for the rest of my life?!" For more than half of my life that's how I woke up, not to mention what would think to myself about a dozen times throughout the day. It's a very sad way to go through life.

In my last post I told you that my chiropractor (who is a God send!) had shared something with me. In the last week I've been taking an incredible wellness mix called Zeal For Life. You guys....I've been blown away all week long but it's to the point of almost being emotional because of something amazing going on.

Between myself, my mom and my dad we have had more health problems than any family should have. In the last two years I have gotten off of all medications except for a once a day allergy pill. My parents take roughly 20 different pills between the two of them. Lyme Disease (all three of us), Fibromyalgia (two of us), severe arthritis (the two of them), heart disease, Hiatal Hernia, migraines, cancer, gout, thyroid problems and major sleeping issues to name a few. That's what we've been dealing with between the three of us for most of my life and my parents had some of those issues before I was born even.

Within the first two hours of my first dose I felt awake. Truly awake and alert is not something I am used to feeling at all. Even with as much weight as I have lost, I've still combated chronic fatigue and basically would somehow manage to get 3-4 hours of very broken sleep a night. And I can fully "function" that way because that is how I have "lived" since I was 13. So within the first 24 hours I had more energy than I knew what to do with. The night of day two, I slept. Legitimately slept the entire night. I didn't wake up at any point with ANY pain at all, which is normally what causes me to toss and turn all night. Each day since then I have been so energized, so awake, have had no pain at all and slept like a baby. I'm in southern IL this weekend, and normally when I sleep at my parents, I toss the entire night, can't get comfortable and wake up almost unable to move for a few hours because of my back. ZERO pain. Oh, and I've lost 11 pounds.

In the first 24 hours of my dad taking it, he had no pain. That is HUGE for my dad, who for the last couple of years has had to use a cane off an on because of frequent and severe gout and knee pain. Last night we were watching the Cardinals game and it hit him that he also had no pain from the hernia which has plagued him for nearly three years. This morning he said he woke up without any pain again.

My mom, God love her, vacuumed the house before I got here on Thursday. Normally, that would put her out of commission for at least a day if not longer because of her arthritis and back pain. Not to mention she fell that afternoon hard, has a monster bruise on her back and really should have been in a lot of pain the day after. She didn't feel worse than she normally does even though she should have. Yesterday she commented that she had no joint pain in her hands which is huge for her.

Can you answer yes to any of the following questions:
1. Do you want more energy?
2. Do you often feel hungry?
3. Do you lack clarity and focus?
4. Do you feel sad or anxious?
5. Do you have daily aches and pains?

If you can answer yes to any single one of those, we need to talk!

I've been a huge proponent as you know from reading this little blog of mine, that YOU have he power to change your life and to change your story. You have the power to make a change in the lives of others, too. I've been changing my life and my story for the last two years. I know that the changes I've made have inspired other people as well.  Zeal For Life is making a change in me that on my own with diet and exercise couldn't do. If you want to know more message me on facebook, email me (ttucker1113@gmail.com) or better yet, take a look at this site: tressietucker.zealforlife.com.

What's stopping you from feeling the way you were meant to feel?

xoxo

Big things are happening...

Hello, world!

Big things...HUGE things are happening and I am beyond excited.

About a month ago I submitted work in progress story to Mark Sisson for some contest to win a year's supply of Primal products (names drawn at random from submitted stories). I didn't hear anything for a couple of weeks and just assumed that I didn't win. No harm, no foul. Well, he personally emailed me and told me how amazing my story is and how it's stories like mine that push him to continue writing books and publishing his website. He wants to use my story!! Mind. Blown.

It continues to baffle me just how far and how deeply my story is reaching others. This morning I discovered that it's now been read in 44 countries. Incredible. Helping even just one other person make a change in their life makes everything I've endured worth it.

A week ago after my adjustment, I was telling my chiropractor about this. We had quite the discussion afterwards that left me feeling pretty empowered and trying something new in conjunction with what I've already been doing. You know what's awesome? Sleeping REALLY well when you haven't for months after what has seemed like a never ending stress-induced flare up. Having virtually no inflammation or joint pain in a relatively small period of time is also awesome. Oh, and let us not forget to talk about the insane amount of energy I've had as well, all from one little scoop of powder per day.  Oh, did I mention that after day one I had lost seven pounds (which according to my chiropractor beats the six pounds he had heard of someone losing)?! Yes, I realize that was all water weight and inflammation leaving my body, but still, freaking amazing. Stay tuned, kids...more information coming about this incredible product.

To quote a line from Rachel Platten's Fight Song, "I might only have one match but I can make an explosion."

 xoxo

Transformation Tuesday...

Hello, World!

I've FINALLY broken through my plateau and I'm down 130 from my heaviest weight now. Some days I don't see a lot of change physically (I know, what?!), but the internal changes are never ending. I've had several people tell me that I should legitimately write about about this journey that I've been on for the past sixteen years...I'm starting to actually toy around with the idea of that.

I was asked again the other day how it is that I'm able to talk so openly about all of this that I've been through. I love to write and it's truly therapeutic for me. As of today people in 39 different countries have read my blog and who knows how many others on some other sites I post for. I've had more than 82,000 page views. That's insane!

I wholeheartedly believe that no matter what struggles you have had in your life, you have the power to re-write your story. You have the power within yourself to say "enough is enough!" If life knocks you down one time or one hundred times, you have have the power to get up and fight back. True change is more than simply a physical, emotional, mental or spiritual change...it's a combination of all of those things.

Don't ever settle for anything in life. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you aren't good enough. Don't let anyone, yourself included, tell you that you can't do something. Decide what you want and go after it. Fight for yourself because nobody else can do that for you. You have the power. I'm living proof.

xoxo

What a difference a year makes...

Hello, world...

It's been a crazy last month or so. I was really sick for several weeks and was dealing with a few other things that made me step back and take some time off for my own mental and physical well-being. I tried to go back to the gym a couple of weeks ago and guess what you should never do when you're battling strep, inner ear infections and bronchitis....attempt to work out. Bad things happen. Dizziness. Nausea. Just don't do it. If you're fighting illness, let yourself heal first as your body is already working harder than normal.

Having said that, this blog is about total wellness...that means it's more than physical well-being, it's also mental, emotional and spiritual well-being, too. This past week has been a rather contemplative one for me in which I've really been reflecting on the changes I've made over this past year.

One year ago today the most serious relationship of my life ended. April Fools Day was certainly a fitting time for it to happen, too. We weren't married, but we did live together for the better part of two years and were raising a child together. The aftermath felt like a divorce and as if someone took my child away from me. I was losing people I'd come to love as my own family, too.

I cried daily for several months leading up to it and in the month before I moved to St. Louis. I didn't know if I'd ever be happy again. I even told myself that the break-up was just temporary and that we'd eventually find our way back to each other. I laugh now thinking about that. The first month that I was here in St. Louis, completely alone was really hard. Sure, I had my family and oldest friends around me, which was fantastic, but I couldn't help but feel that so much of who I was lost in DC and like I'd never get it back.

One day in late Summer it hit me...I had been so worried about being alone and unhappy that I didn't even realize that I hadn't been truly happy for a very long time...in my former relationship or with myself. And so began a process of peeling back the layers and understanding, accepting and forgiving myself and others.

It's April Fools Day again, only this year I am leaps and bounds from person I was a year ago.

I am strong. I am happy. I am content. I am at peace. More than all of that, I love myself, not in spite of all that I have been through but because of it. The picture on the left is of someone who faked happy for a very long time. The picture on the right is of someone who finally learned how to fight for herself and learned to love herself along the way.

It's been the hardest fight of my life, yet the most rewarding in every possible way.


xoxo

Plateaus and ignorance

Hello, world!

Plateaus....ugh. We've all had them but they're super frustrating. I've slept pretty poorly for the past month until this week, the weather has been so bitterly cold that it's been hard to talk myself into the gym as often as I like to go and the combo of the two gave me a flare up for a few weeks. I only lost eight pounds in the past month bringing my total weight loss to 124 pounds. Which is still amazing, I know! I've finally started sleeping well again this week, made it to class on Monday night on top of getting in another workout plus using the elliptical at work. It truly makes all the difference in the world. Hopefully, the flare is done and I can start pushing it again...oh, and thanks Living Social for offering a 1month unlimited boot camp class voucher for a great price! I loved the ones that I did last year before I left DC and I'm in a much better place now mentally to do them, not to mention weigh less than I did then and I know I'm stronger and more flexible!

In other news, the dating scene never ceases to amaze me. A few weeks ago I met a guy and we hit it off really well and had tons of things in common. He was impressed by my blog and by the things I've done to better my life. We went out and a few days later (and after expressing a lot of interest to see me again) he opts to tell me via text that he had never dated anyone who weighed more than he did. But in an attempt to make himself not look like such a jerk he says "I love all of the things about you that matter most to God. And you're so pretty and have a gorgeous smile." I. Was. FLOORED. Who says that to another adult? Granted, he was smaller than any other guy I've ever dated, but still. He said it's a rule of his to not be with someone who weighs more than ten pounds above his weight and it concerned him. I let him have it, probably more than I should have but I found it ridiculous.

I have worked my ass off, literally to be where I am today. I have a long way to go before I get to my goal, but I'm more than halfway through it and the first half was the hardest part. It was a reprisal to a conversation I'd had before with someone else. There is no part of me that wants to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for exactly who I am today. There is no part of me that wants to have anything to do with someone who wants me to change or expects certain things from me in terms of my weight and my health.

I made the decision two years ago to better my life and I have fought tooth and nail for it. I am physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually healthier than I've ever been and I know where I'm going. Shouldn't that be enough? It absolutely is enough for me. I have no problem sharing my goals and my struggles with someone, case and point this blog. Don't ever let anyone make you feel like you aren't enough exactly as you are TODAY. Nobody has the promise of tomorrow and you can't predict what life will throw at you.

You choose the direction that you take your life. You choose to change your story. You choose to be better. You choose those things for yourself, not for someone else.

xoxo

Liver cleansing...

Hello world!

I've been a little bit MIA the past couple of weeks. I've wanted to do this post for a week now but have just been busy. I'm gearing up to do a big liver cleanse so this is fitting. As you all know, I'm a huge proponent of juicing, drinking hot lemon water and anything else that can truly detox your system after all of the years of medications.

Last month I had posted about the benefits of drinking hot water with lemon (and honey sometimes) and my dad asked a few questions about it but said nothing else after that. Last week he had this to report: " I got results yesterday on blood work done last week. For several weeks prior, I have been drinking (twice daily) a cup of HOT water with 2 tbls of lemon juice, 1 tbls apple cider vinegar, 1 tbls raw honey, and a dash of cinnamon. My good cholesterol was UP, my bad cholesterol was DOWN, triglycerides were DOWN, sugar was DOWN, liver function was BETTER!!!" 

For my dad, that's huge. When I was eight, he had a massive heart attack, quadruple bypasses and has had multiple heart attacks since. In the past couple of years since I started my journey, he has lost quite a bit of weight, too. I'm proud of him for trying to help his own cause. It's not always easy but any improvement to your health is a good thing. 

So let's talk about the liver and why it's so important. The liver is the largest organ inside the body and it filters over 32oz. of blood per minute. The liver has more than 200 functions and plays a role in nearly all body functions such as digestion and conversion of nutrients, eliminating waste, producing bile for fat digestion, energy and nutrient storage, controlling cholesterol levels, monitoring natural hormonal balance, producing immune factors to fight infections, detoxifies the blood by filtering toxins such as alcohol, medications, pesticides, environmental chemicals, dead cells, cigarette smoke, air pollutants and natural waste from digestion and respiration. So is it a coincidence that by improving his liver function, his cholesterol has improved? No, not at all.

Below is an excerpt from Cherie Calbom's website, http://www.juiceladycherie.com. I have a few of her books and have done several cleanses that she talks about.

"The liver is a prime place for the body to store toxins that can’t be excreted. Highly toxic chemicals can pass through the liver, including residues from pesticides and herbicides. And it doesn’t take a megadose of toxins or irritating substances to weaken the liver of some individuals. It can be damaged by a variety of medications, alcohol, and viruses.

Alcoholics are notorious for having bad livers because alcohol is a powerful liver toxin. Over time, heavy drinkers can develop severe scarring of the liver and loss of cells in that vital organ. Chronic heavy drinkers with damaged, poorly functioning livers are also at high risk of liver cancer. This is a result of the chronic scarring, inflammation, and exposure to toxins. But it may not be only heavy drinking that causes problems for some people. Researchers have found even small amounts of alcohol can cause fat deposits in the livers of susceptible individuals.

As a consequence of our modern diet, many people have considerable congestion and even gallstones in their liver. This may be true even though a person has not had a history of gallstones. Gallstones in the liver are an impediment to acquiring and maintaining good health, youthfulness, and vitality. They are, indeed, one of the major reasons people become ill and have difficulty recuperating from illness or recovering from disease.

Liver congestion and stagnation are quite common, yet conventional medicine has no way to determine this. Relying on blood tests for diagnostic purposes concerning liver congestion is inadequate. Most people who have a physical ailment have perfectly normal liver enzymes in the blood, despite suffering liver congestion and stagnation. Liver enzymes become elevated in the blood only when there is advanced liver cell destruction, as in hepatitis or liver inflammation. Liver cells contain large amounts of enzymes, and when they are ruptured, the enzymes enter the blood and signal liver abnormalities. By then, the damage has already occurred. It takes many years of congestion before such an event becomes possible. Therefore, cleansing the liver is an excellent preventative measure as well as a healing, restorative, and rejuvenating practice."

Symptoms of a Toxic Liver

• Abdominal discomfort
• Aches and pains
• Brown spots on the face and hands
• Dark circles under the eyes
• Anal itching
• Bad breath
• Body odor
• Sallow or jaundiced complexion
• Whitish or yellow tongue coating
• Digestive problems (belching and flatulence)
• Dizziness
• Drowsiness after eating
• Fatigue
• Frequent urination at night
• Migraine headaches or headaches that involve a feeling of fullness or heaviness in the head
• Inability to tolerate heat or cold
• Sleeplessness (insomnia)
• Loss of memory or inability to concentrate
• Irritability
• Loss of sexual desire
• Lower back pain
• Malaise
• Menstrual problems
• Nervousness and anxiety
• Pain around the right shoulder blade and shoulder (also connected with gallbladder congestion) Puffy eyes and/or face
• Red nose
• Small red spots on the skin (either smooth or raised and hard— known as cherry angiomas)
• Sinus problems
• Allergies
• Candidiasis
• Constipation
• Hemorrhoids
• Cellulite
• Premenstrual syndrome

Benefits of Cleansing the Liver

• Clearer, brighter complexion
• Dark circles disappear from under the eyes
• Some age spots may disappear
• Digestion improves
• Weight loss becomes easier; cellulite goes away
• Energy increases
• Sleep improves; need to urinate during the night improves
• Aches and pains disappear
• Headaches often cease
• Memory improves
• Mood is better
• Allergies go away
• Facial puffiness disappears

After the decade and a half that I spent on such toxic medications, I frequently do a series of cleanses, liver being one of them. If your liver isn't functioning properly, the rest of your body wont either. 

xoxo

This is where the healing begins...

Good morning, world!

I love blogging.

I truly do. I don't just have my blog but I also belong to some other groups in which my story is shared with people all over the world. For the longest time I was ashamed of my story because I felt like I was so different. I was tormented horribly for years because of my story by others.The physical and emotional pain I felt from such a young age that I thought might be my life indefinitely is so far removed now. I have people reach out to me on a daily basis to tell me that because of my willingness to share my story, it's inspired them and made them believe that they can absolutely change their story, too. That heals my soul like nothing else ever has or ever could I think.

I love Blogger's format because it allows me to see all of the countries my blog has been read in. US, Canada, UK, Australia, Slovenia, Hong Kong, New Zealand, Indonesia, Ireland, Netherlands, Philippines, France, Germany, Poland, Mexico, Austria, Panama, Belgium, Norway, Russia, Japan, Pakistan, Turkey, Brazil, South Africa, Singapore, Finland and Ukraine. 28 countries.

People always ask "Why does God allow this to happen to someone?" For a long time I did wonder "Why me? Why do I have to endure this? Will it ever stop?" Had a friend not been horribly sick for many years and shared his story with me, I wouldn't be where I am today. I never would have started juicing nor would I know anything about Primal/Paleo. I wouldn't know about how much you can heal yourself when you take doctors and medications out of the equation. If I hadn't had all of those experiences, I wouldn't be able to help others the way that I have.

There is a song called Healing Begins by a group called Tenth Avenue North. My favorite part of the song says "Afraid to let your secrets out, everything that you hide can come crashing through the door now. But too scared to face all your fear, so you hide but you find that the shame won't disappear. So let it fall down. There's freedom waiting in the sound when you let your walls fall to the ground."

At dinner last night with a girlfriend, we were talking about the freedom I feel in knowing that I can't possibly feel more hurt than I've already felt before. While we were talking about something very specific, I feel as though that notion spills over into every part of my life. Physically, I can't possibly feel pain worse than what I've felt before. Emotionally, there is nothing that can ever hurt me more than I've already been hurt before. Spiritually, I can never be lower than I was before. There is such freedom in knowing that about myself. To know that my worst days are truly behind me and there is no turning back now is a truly incredible feeling.

For so many years I feel as though I walked through life merely existing. I have lived more in the past two years than the twenty-seven years before that. I embrace the life I have and know that God has absolutely used every part of me and my story. I know that I was designed to do more than just exist.

What's your story?

xoxo

Some days...

What?! Some days I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror, or notice that a sweater seems even bigger than it was a few weeks ago and I stop and stare. Today was one of those days. I ditched the sweater and couldn't believe what I saw in the mirror. It's so amazing to me the way the weight and inches have just been coming off since early Fall. More than that, I'm amazed by the internal transformation.

Your size doesn't make you happy. There will always be something about your body that you don't like no matter how much you weigh or what the tag on your clothing says. I've had months of soul searching now and I know that the people who know me best are also blown away. For the first time in my life my happiness is truly about myself. I accepted my size a long time ago after years and years of trying to lose weight but never being able to. I accepted that I would "live" my life in pain and discomfort as I had for more than a decade. I accepted that because it was all I had known for most of my life. One day in the Fall, I realized that just because you accept something doesn't mean you give up on the idea of what could be. Combining the juicing, eating mostly Primal/Paleo, chiropractic care plus truly understanding that I am SO much more than I have ever given myself credit for or ever allowed myself to be has made such a huge difference.

I am the happiest that I have ever been. I feel the best that I have ever felt. You know what's even more awesome than that? Knowing that I'm nowhere near finished with this whole process.

xoxo

Let's talk juice...

Hello, world!

Mean Green juice that I made this morning...gorgeous, isn't it?

I've had a lot of people asking me about juicing lately. I love to juice. It's truly changed my life. I knew before I started that juicing wouldn't be a diet per se, but instead would become a new lifestyle or identity. I knew that in starting to juice I would be leaving an old life filled with pain, agony, medications, doctors and depression behind me. Guess what...that's exactly what I've done!

Here are some great links from Joe the Juicer's website that talk about juicing and rebooting/detoxing...he's definitely an expert!

Juicing Benefits

Rebooting

Juicing vs. Blending

Something else that I do on a daily basis now is drink at least one large cup of hot water with lemon in the mornings. I've grown to like it so much that if I need a boost in the afternoons (like today) I'll have more.

Total weight loss as of this morning: 116 pounds

xoxo

So far...

Left-December 2008...Right-December 2014

There are times I walk past a mirror or see a picture of myself and I almost don't recognize myself. Most of the time it has nothing to do with the weight loss. My mother told me in the fall how good it was to see me so happy. I thought at the time it had to do with the guy I was dating who I had taken home with me. Last weekend, someone told me that when they look at me they see someone who finally sees what other have always seen. I corrected them and said "No, that's called happy. You see happy and you see peace." I've never had this as an adult. Happy on my own. Happy to have virtually no pain for the first time in 16 years. Happy to be exactly where I am at this very moment.

I went to a new chiropractor last night after work (yay!) and we talked at length about total wellness vs. purely physical health. I told him that has been my focus for several months now. He asked me what sort of a difference that has made and I told him it's made all of the difference in the world.

A friend sent this to me a couple of weeks ago and I have it saved in my phone. Once in a while when scrolling through pictures I see it and think "so far."

Inspiraton...

Hello, world!

I've been asked a lot recently to put more information into this blog about juicing and eating/living Primal/Paleo...I will definitely start doing that. I've also had a dozen people in the past month or so reach out and ask for my advice or my opinion on either of those topics and weight loss in general. I don't think I ever expected that there would be a day when others came to me for advice on that specific subject.

On my birthday, a good friend told me that I inspire her to be the happiest that she can be. That was one of the best things that anyone has ever said to me. I have people who don't know me and don't know more story ask me why I blog. 1. It's a wonderful outlet that allows me to think creatively in ways that have nothing to do with small children. 2. I would know nothing about juicing and the Primal/Paleo lifestyle if an acquaintance of mine hadn't started his own blog about his experiences with all of his health issues and how his life was saved. 3. I want to let other people know that it is never too late to take control of your life and live the way you were meant to live.

It lifts my soul every time someone reaches out to me and tell me that because of my story they have done ______________. I "lived" a life filled with medications, doctors, pain, depression and anxiety for most of my life. I wasn't living. I was getting by and some days that seemed like a stretch even. Two years ago when I started juicing, I had no idea that it would take me where it has. I'm so thankful for this journey that I've been on. I have a long way to go but I truly live life now and embrace every day.

Thank you for being a part of my story and for inspiring me.

xoxo

Try to stop me...

I dare you!

Five months. The picture on the left was at the end of July. The picture on the right was at the end of December. That's more than 50 pounds now since Labor Day. Total weight loss 113lbs now. What?!

This year...

Happy New Year, world!

Life. It's funny. It's ironic. It's confusing. It's complicated. Sometimes, it's really quite simple though.

You all know I like to make things appear neat and pretty even when they are certainly less than that. That was pretty much the case from mid November until New Years. I fought with myself...a lot and for what? Honestly, I'm not sure. I woke up one day and things just made sense. People come and go in our lives and we can choose to be thankful for what they brought, whether it was good or bad and move on, or we can act like it didn't matter...sometimes we can even be mad. I choose to be thankful and to move on.

I don't know if I ever thought I would ever be at a place where I was so happy to just be me...but I am. I had a discussion last night with someone about how changing the way we choose to look at any number of things can completely change your life. I have seen this to be so true the past several months over and over. I see myself in a completely different light and had anything in this past year happened differently than it had, I probably wouldn't be at this point with myself...I wouldn't be happy or feel such peace.

xoxo