Friday, November 7, 2014
Thank God for all of the prayers that went unanswered and brought me to where I'm really supposed to be. I read something this morning about how much life can change in just a year. One year. 365 days. Sometimes one year can feel like a lifetime but other times it feels like like the blink of an eye. Parts of this last year seemed like it would never end. Six months ago I left DC and moved to St. Louis. Best decision ever. I didn't realize until late July just how much of myself I either willingly gave up or had taken from me. That day changed me.
Until this past weekend, I still allowed myself to have a victim mentality. I allowed myself to blame others for things dating back to 16 years ago. I blamed doctors, cruel teenagers, exes, genetics, life in general. I might have put a little bit of blame on myself but not nearly enough. Two years ago I chose to start cutting away the ropes that held me down. There has been a whole slew of things that I've still held onto though at least a little bit--things that at any given moment can come front and center in my mind and control me.
Silly, right? Have you ever stopped to think about how many things you don't forgive others for? There's the old adage "Forgive but don't forget." The problem with that for me is that I don't forget. Anything. Ever. I never have. My nearly 13 year old nephew said last month, "Don't you people let go of anything?!" Of course he said it in reference to stories we were telling about him when he was little, but I've thought about those words several times since then. The simple answer to that question is NO. I don't know how to let go and I think in part because my mind is such a "steel trap" (as my mom has called it for years). I don't forget and thus I suppose I don't really forgive. How about this one-- How many things have you not forgiven yourself for?
I was challenged to say something I like about myself every single day this month. I have to say 15 physical things that I like about myself and 15 things that I emotionally like about myself. Say what?! Do you know how hard that is to do when you beat yourself up about everything? I always participate in the 30 days of Thankfulness on Facebook and that's really easy for me to do. I have so many things in my life for which I am immensely thankful for. Saying good things about myself though is hard. Correction, saying good things about my physical self is hard considering most days I still feel like the fat girl. I had a breakdown last night after shopping and not finding anything I liked that fit because one size is too big and one size is too small. I actually said out loud last night "My wardrobe was better when I was 75 pounds heavier!" Who says that? Maybe blame the pms for that mess of ridiculousness but the point is that I am really hard on myself. I shouldn't be. Every day this week before saying what I like about myself, I have stopped to tell myself "But you've come so far and you are going to go further."
How nice are you to yourself?