Baby steps...

Hello, world...

Eight weeks. I don't know how it is that time keeps marching on. Some days feel like they last for months. Some days it feels like nothing at all has changed. Other days I'm reminded just how much my entire world has changed and will never be the same and in this case, that isn't a good thing.

I came across something the other day while reading and it really struck me.
I am a griever. That doesn't mean I have a disease. It means that I miss and love someone who has died. Let me grieve at my own pace. My reality is forever changed. Do not judge me nor feel it is your obligation to tell me to "move on" or "get over it." Getting over it is not an option. With time, I will do my best to move forward with one step in front of the other. They might be baby steps, but it's better than none at all. When I need you...just be there.

I am constantly amazed by the number of people who try to tell me how I should be feeling right now. People who still have both parents. People who are married, have kids, grand-kids in some instances, try to tell me that I need to essentially just suck it up because he would want me to. That's not only unfair, it's not fully accurate. My dad was the biggest cry-baby I have ever known...it's where I get it from. Not only that, but my grandma Tressie (yes, I was named after her) passed away before I was even born. My dad lived the last 34 years of his life without her and I heard about how sad he was, how much he missed her, etc, for my entire life. Most people in my family on both sides lived to be 80-90, so based on that we'll assume that I have another 50-60 years of life without my dad. You can't begin to understand what this feels like unless you've lot your dad....and really you can't understand unless you are a woman, unmarried, in your 20's still and have no kids. It's a completely different reality than losing your father when you are already married and have kids. I also can't imagine what it's like for a son to lose his father. But I don't pretend to know what it's like or interject my thoughts on how someone should deal with it or not.

Last week I finally ventured back to Baseball Heaven for the first time since we lost my dad. I was genuinely really excited to go. I met up with an old friend at a pub beforehand to grab something to eat and I should have known when I was about half a block away that the night wasn't going to go in my favor. Why? Because three years ago I looked at a wedding venue with my ex and my mother and it's the place that (even post breakup, obviously) I still imagined my dad eventually walking me down the aisle one day. It hit me all over again that he will never do that. It sucked. During most of the game, I thought of all of the baseball conversations we shared and the memories from the stadium that we shared...as soon as I got into my car afterwards, I lost it. I cried for a while. I was awake and very sick to my stomach for hours after that.

I can truly be completely fine one minute and then the next I see something, hear something, smell something, remember something and I just yearn for my dad. This happens a lot when I go to my hometown. I was there the last full weekend of July and needed to feel my dad's presence. I drove down to our old marina at the lake and just hung out on the docks for a little while. I felt him there and my heart was flooded with memories of being on the water with him. A hot summer breeze blew over the water and I got a whiff of fish and that was all I needed. I left and drove down to the cemetery and that was gut wrenching. I remember very little from the last time I was there because I was so out of it the week we lost him. After that I needed to be with someone who reminded me of my dad, who has the same corny sense of humor that he had. I went to his younger brother's house to visit for a while. Remarkably, at the cemetery was the only time that trip home that I cried.

My mother is moving up here for sure and I'm glad she is. However, I am dreading the process of helping to sort and pack. I hate how many of my dad's things I will never see again because we have no use for them. I know how awful it was for me when my parents packed up to move from Illinois to Florida. I cried and cried. It's totally different now and I can't imagine it would be better. How do you pack up, give away or throw away things that belonged to a parent? You can't keep everything (especially when you live in a one bedroom apartment and have absolutely no use for most of it), but you hate to see someone else have it. I can't imagine there never being a garage full of fishing stuff ever again. I can't imagine not seeing all of his tools. I've already brought some things back to St. Louis with me and there are others that my mom will hold onto and I will get eventually. With my mom moving here, even though I still have a lot of family in and around my hometown, it feels like part of me has to say goodbye...like it's no longer going to be "home." That breaks my heart.

I've also learned over these last eight weeks just how important it is to be kind and gentle with yourself, and not in the normal ways even. For several weeks I beat myself up about the fact I've yet to get back into the gym. Perhaps some people it does help them feel better to physically work it out. For me, it takes everything in me most days to chase a toddler all over creation at work. Throw in the fact that I go through huge of waves of not sleeping or eating and it would actually be really bad for me to go to the gym in that state. I've never been one to let myself just do nothing...I've had days/nights where that's all I crave and you have to let yourself do that because your body, your heart, your mind and your soul need time to just be and not have to fight to make it through the rough days. On the good days, I go out with friends and enjoy normalcy. I think that the biggest thing I've learned is how alone you feel because most of the people in your life (I've now learned from experience) have no idea what to say or not say to you so instead they say nothing. Eventually, you will reach out because you want your people and they'll say something like "Oh, I think about you every day", and you'll think something like "I'm so glad you think of me daily but never reach out, because that helps me...not." And if you're like me, you'll later feel bad for even having such thoughts. Don't hold things against your friends who truly have no idea what you're going through and thus don't know how to approach you. Don't beat yourself up for thoughts that you have because anger is one of the big parts of grief, unfortunately.

When you're grieving, all you can really do is live day to day, and sometimes its more like minute by minute. Nothing truly makes you feel better. Words or people can offer comfort, but I've learned how fleeting comfort really can be. Some days you're going to feel everything and it's going to hurt like hell. Some days you'll laugh and feel normal. Some days you will feel numb to literally everything and everyone around you. But that is in fact normal no matter how strange it feels. And if you want to heal, you have no choice but to let all of it come and at times consume you.

xoxo

It doesn't go away...

Hello, world...

Six weeks. Six weeks today since my dad died. That still sounds so bizarre to say. My dad died. He's dead. What?! What's more bizarre than saying it, is hearing someone else tell me they are sorry that my dad is dead. It's like sometimes I don't realize I'm being talked to because it often seems unreal still.

Last week was a terrible week. The two weeks before were nothing in comparison to the last one. I actually put my bluetooth in on my way to work one morning and picked up the phone and hit my dad's speed dial. I lost it when I realized what I was doing. 

Driving home from work one night an oldish (from the 90's) song came on called Holes In The Floor Of Heaven...I listened to it for probably a minute before I realized what I was hearing and I started to cry uncontrollably. I changed the station and another oldish song was playing. A song that was always on my list of potential songs I would dance to with my dad at my wedding some day. "You're beautiful baby from the outside in. Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again. Go on, take on this whole world but to me you know you'll always be, my little girl...Someday, some boy will come and ask me for your hand. But I won't say yes to him unless I know he's the half that makes you whole. He has a poet's soul, and the heart of a man's man. I know he'll say that he's in love but between you and me he won't be good enough." That was enough to nearly kill me. I instantly started gasping for air, had to pull of the road and ugly cry it out for a little while until I could drive again. My dad is dead. He will never give a man permission to marry me. He will never walk me down the aisle. He will never dance with me at my wedding. How is that actually reality now? 

My mom was up here this weekend looking at condos. Why was she up here looking at condos? Because my dad is dead. As much as I want her to be up here with me, it's unfreakingbelievable that she is considering moving here because he is gone. 

Today is my mom's birthday. I was on the phone with her after work last night. I told her "Well, tomorrow is Tuesday and I hate Tuesdays now...but it's your birthday." She said we couldn't be sad tomorrow (today) because it's her birthday and had she never been born, I wouldn't have been either. My response? "Yeah but then I wouldn't be 29 with a dead dad either." What the hell is wrong with me?!?! Who actually says that? 

I read in a book last week that generally after three months your grief intensifies, not to mention birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, etc... Great. I'm glad I have that to look forward to. 

What really throws me is how much I love everything else in my life. How happy I am with everything else in my life. Yet I have this unbelievable shock and sadness in my heart that sometimes just absolutely stops me in my tracks. Sometimes it physically hurts. I'm still not sleeping very well. I still have days at a time where I can't keep anything down or days where I have no appetite period. There are days where it's all I can do to simply get through the day and just get home to my bed so I can shut the rest of the world out and not have to be a functioning human. Yet then there are times I have a lot of fun with my friends and family, enjoy my time with my little monkey at work, enjoy cooking and baking, making plans for the future. 

Grief is the most unnerving and ugly thing I've ever encountered. There is no easy way to get through it. You can't bypass it. You can't sleep it away. You can't avoid it. There is nothing anyone can ever say to you that legitimately makes you feel better. I've had more migraines in the last six week than in the past year combined. Sometimes I can feel the pain in my chest. Sometimes I want and need to cry and the tears never come. Other times they hit me hard and fall out of my eyes like water coming out of a faucet with no end in sight. 

I read something a few weeks ago that struck me. "The day you died the musical score of my life was forever changed. A sad undertone was added. Some days it is very loud. Some days it is very soft. But it is always there. I am thankful for the days when I can hear the joyful melody of life. I will listen to your song forever in my heart."

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss my dad. Some days it breaks me...some days I am seemingly fine, normal even. 

xoxo

The G word...

Hello, world....

Grief.

What is it? The ugliest thing a human being can ever go through. I thought I knew grief before. I thought I would never feel more heartache and sadness than I felt last spring. I thought wrong.

In the 31 days now since my dad passed away I've been pushed into denial, dread, depression, rage, pain, woe, regret, bitterness, anxiety, confusion, panic, dismay, apathy, sorrow, anguish, disappointment, emptiness, resentment, fear, yearning, envy, jealousy, helplessness, loneliness, betrayal, sadness, rejection, relief (what?!) hurt and distrust. That is essentially everything tangled together in that ball. Have you any idea how completely and utterly exhausting it is to experience all of those things over the course of 31 days?! It's maddening, especially when all of those feelings are so far outside of your norm. That's not to say that I feel those things 24/7 because I don't, thank God, but several of them I cycle through on a daily basis.

I'll say it again, grief is ugly. It's nasty. It doesn't care who you are. It hits you harder than anything you can comprehend. You can choose to let it take you over and work through it, or you can ignore it and hope it goes away. The thing about grief is that you can only keep it at bay for so long. The longer you ignore it, the harder it becomes to deal with. Grief shows you who you really are, what and who matters most in your life, which as you're going through it can feel like both a blessing and curse.

In his Book Don't Take My Grief Away, Doug Manning described grief as feeling like this:
"Right now your chest hurts--the numbness has worn off and real pain has replaced it. You wonder if you will ever be well again. A thousand questions flood your mind. A thousand hurts pop up every day. Every day you find a new thing to cause memories and bring tears. You find it hard to sleep. The awful loneliness seems to be there every moment of every day. The finality of death leaves a hollow feeling all over your body. Loneliness comes in only one size-- Extra Large. "

I would add to that that it's a feeling like your world is spinning out of control. No matter how much I know or believe about death and eternal life in Heaven through my beliefs in Christ, right now, it doesn't help my pain or sadness. It doesn't stop the sometimes all consuming pain that rushes through my entire being. It doesn't stop the nausea that I battle all day long and have for 31 days now. It doesn't help me sleep any better at night. Regardless of the fact that I know I will see my daddy again someday, the fact is that I will likely live another 50-60 years without him. That devastates me. It sickens me. It angers me.

When my dad died, dreams I've had since I was a little girl died, too. I read something earlier this week that talked about grieving for all that is lost, which includes the future. I've had multiple people comment to me that I need to not focus on those dreams, implying that dreams and plans fail anyways. When I was 8 and thought my dad would die any day, I suppose I started having anticipatory grief then. He wasn't supposed to live another 21 years like he did. I spent 21 years thinking he would die every single time he got sick, with every single heart attack or bad test result. My biggest dreams have always been that I would be a wife and mother someday, a wife like my grandmother was, and a mother like my own. Within those dreams were ones that my daddy would walk me down the aisle to my husband, that he would hold my babies and watch them grow for as long as he could. Those dreams died with him. I will never have that.

Jealousy, envy, anger, resentment, disappointment and sadness have all hit me hard because of that. I love my sister more than I could ever express but I'm jealous that she has those memories to hold onto for the rest of her life and I'll never have them. I resent and feel anger towards people who insist that my dad will still be there with me for those events, especially if they are already married and/or have children. And then I feel  bad for feeling that way but I can't help it. It feels like a slap in the face for people who still have their fathers and got to experience those things with them (or even for those who have lost their fathers later in their lives and experienced those things) to say that to me. I want to yell at all of them "Tell me how you would feel if the roles were reversed!!" Of course, I don't. I grieve for the things in the future I so badly wanted to share with my daddy and telling me he will be there in spirit does not help me.

I've seen lists of things you shouldn't say to someone who is grieving and most of them are spot on. I am so tired of being asked "How are you?" Earlier this week I had an exchange with someone who I hadn't spoken with since four days after my dad died. I was asked "Well, are you feeling better?" Immediately I felt enraged. I actually said, "You mean am I feeling better about the fact that my dad is dead than I did the last time we spoke, four days after he died? No. I don't feel better."What I've come to learn is that people who have never lost a parent think there is a timetable for grief, that you should feel better within x amount of days. Just because I'm not curled up in a ball, in my bed all day every day crying doesn't mean that I'm not absolutely heartbroken. I go to work every day. I laugh and I smile often through the day (thanks, H). I go out with friends a couple of times a week now. I manage, but a part of me is broken. That doesn't mean that I want or need to be fixed either.

I've been told by several people that I should be stronger for this reason or that reason. I've been told that crying won't help. I've been told too many times to count "I understand", again by people who have not lost a parent, which means they do not understand, in fact, they cannot even come close to understanding.

I generally don't know how to tell people to stop asking me seemingly stupid questions right now. I don't know how to tell people that I would rather them not try to make me feel better because inevitably, more often than not it makes me feel worse. I get that people don't like to see other people sad or hurting, and that it often makes them feel inadequate. However, there is no magic word or phrase that anyone can throw at me to make me feel better. What makes me feel better is simply talking to me and letting me cry if that's what I need at that moment. Talking about things that don't relate to losing my dad at all, doing something fun even just for a little while to distract me helps.

In her book, On Grief and Grieving, Elisabeth Kubler Ross says "The reality is you will grieve forever. You will not "get over" the loss of your loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same again. Nor should you be the same, nor should you want to be the same." Life doesn't stop just because my dad is gone. Day to day, my life looks pretty much the same as it did the day before he died. Inside of me though everything has seemingly changed.

Everyone deals with grief differently. Truly, no two people can grieve in the same way. For some it takes much longer than others to get through. Some people need to talk about it, some people don't. Some people need to be left alone and some don't ever want to be alone. Grief comes in waves and it has so many different facets that I learn more about every day. I've read several books now about grief and from what I've experienced for myself in these 31 very long days is that you do have to acknowledge your pain and your grief in order to start to heal. Some days I cry a lot, some I cry only a little. Some days I laugh a lot, some days I can't imagine finding anything funny. But I talk about all of it because there is a healing power in words.

I miss my dad. I miss him more than I ever knew it was possible to miss another person. I miss his laugh. I miss his smile. I miss his corny jokes. I miss his posts, comments and likes on facebook. When I'm in my hometown and I wake up in the morning, it takes me roughly an hour to garner up the strength to walk out into the living room and not see him, and even then, I still cry because it seems so unreal. I miss hearing him say "I love you, Sweetie" or "I love your face". God, I miss that. I miss the jokes we would make about my mom being left-handed. I miss talking about the Cardinals with him. I miss telling him funny stories. I miss calling him in the morning on my way to work just because. Every fiber of my being misses him.

Grief. It's ugly. It's all consuming. It makes the most unselfish people the most self-absorbed and there is nothing that can be done to stop it. You just have to let it happen.

When fear becomes reality...

Hello, world...

I write because it helps me heal. I write in hope of helping others heal. So what does one write when there are no words that can heal?

Three weeks ago today my world was shattered. For as long as I can remember, I feared a life without my dad. My worst fear is now my reality and that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. When I was eight years old, my dad had five bypasses done and after all was said and done (after multiple complications), he was given two years on the long side to live. By the grace of God he got another twenty one years. Shouldn't I be happy I got that at least? Yes. Is it enough? Not hardly. When you always know in the back of your head that your dad is on borrowed time, there is an unending fear in the back of your mind every time the phone rings.

Probably more than most little girls, I dreamed of my daddy walking me down the aisle and seeing me have kids, always knowing that I probably wouldn't get to have that. There was a time in my life when I thought I was with the person my dad would walk me down the aisle towards, and I was raising a child my dad cared for as if he were my own. There was joy in that for me, knowing that something I wanted to share with my daddy for so long was within reach. Then it was gone.

Most of you know that last month my life changed as well as his. There are no words to describe how thankful I am that until the last two days of his life, he got to live in a way that he hadn't been able to for more than two decades. He got to sleep peacefully at night, wake up without pain, walk without his cane, go fishing (something that he loved almost as much as his grandkids) and truly enjoy it again. He got to have hope that he would have several more years like that. He had hope that he would be there to walk me down the aisle one day and to hold my children. I had hope of that for the first time. When you suddenly find hope in something that you never thought would happen and then in an instant it's gone the sadness is overwhelming.

Sometimes the sadness is so overwhelming that I feel pain in every part of my body and it's hard to simply breathe. Other times I'm okay and it doesn't seem real at all. I'm sad for my family. I'm especially sad for my sweet nephews who love their grandpa so much and will never understand the depths of how much he loved them. I'm sad for my dogs who still don't know what to do without him around. I'm sad for my future child or children who will never call him grandpa. I'm sad that the one thing I wanted more than anything as a little girl will never happen. I am 29 years old and God willing I still have another 50-60 years...I cannot fathom living that long without my dad. Every time I post anything at all on facebook, I expect to get a notification that he has commented on it. When the Cardinals are playing, I expect to talk to him. Every time I wake up in my parents house, I expect him to be in the living room. I expect to hear his corny jokes. I expect to hug him when I get to my hometown and when I leave to head back to the city.

As a Christian, I know that my daddy is in Heaven and his body is perfect. I know he is finally with his parents again. I was named after his mom who passed away 34 years ago. My whole life I've heard about how much he missed her. I'm happy for him. I'm happy he's home now and never ever has to feel another day of pain. I know I will see him again someday. However, none of that really makes me feel better right now. I miss my dad so much. There's a song by MercyMe called Homesick and the first part of it plays in my head many times throughout the day. "You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times and at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you. But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry is how long must I wait to be with you. I close my eyes and I see your face. If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place. Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow. I've never been more homesick than now."

Even though he had suffered so much in the past twenty one years, it was still very sudden. He'd had a flareup for a couple of days of his hiatal hernia and the pain was so sever that it made his heart weaker from the spikes in his blood pressure. At 1pm he had made a post on facebook and by 2pm he was gone. My nephews were at the house when it happened and I thank God that they didn't see him like that, but my heart breaks for my mom for finding him just gone.

In the past 15 months I have had a lot of sorrow and grief to get through but it all pales in comparison to losing my daddy. I also know that if I was still living in DC, I wouldn't have had all of the time over the last year that I got to have with him. I never would have found my way to a chiropractor who changed my life by introducing me to Zeal, and thus my dad would never have gotten to have the last month that he did. I had back to back weekends at home with him in May and that wouldn't have been possible if I still lived in DC. If I still lived in DC, I wouldn't have had ten days with my family over the past three weeks and I don't know if I would be able to be a functioning human being. I may be very sad off and on throughout the day right now but being able to be here so close to my momma, my sister, my sweet nephews and several close friends is what keeps me going. In time it won't hurt like it does now. Right now the grief comes in huge waves and all I can do is ride them.

One thing I've learned in the last few weeks is that people have all sorts of ideas of what they think they should say to try to make it better. Nothing makes it better and there are some things that really do make it worse. If you have a loved one who is grieving, just love them and listen when the want to talk, let them cry if they need to cry. Pray for them. Sometimes not saying a word is the best thing you can do. There are no magic words that heals a heart that is absolutely devastated. Being able to comfort someone goes a long way though. This week I'm trying to get back to normal and back into a routine. It's the strangest feeling. I still feel like I'm going to wake up and it will all just go back to normal and this will have been nothing more than a nightmare...but I know that isn't the case and this is the new normal.

I miss you and love you so much, daddy.

17 miles...

Happy (Transformation) Tuesday!

You know those times when you do something that you never EVER thought you'd do? That seems to be happening on a daily basis around here. I. Love. It. On Sunday I rode a little over 17 miles at the gym. What's crazier is that I had no joint or muscle pain afterwards, ran errands for hours after, had the yoga and weights portion of my workout at home after that and still had energy. Amazing. It's amazing to me that the body in most of those pictures is gone. It's amazing that one in the middle exists and can do things I never dreamed of being capable of.

Believe in yourself and everything that you ARE capable of doing. I'm living proof that you can do something if you just believe.

xoxo

Do more, be more, live more...

Hello world!

What a CRAZY few weeks it has been. In the past week especially, I have seen just how much my life has changed in the past eight months. Eight months ago I had seeds of hope planted into my soul that were never there before. About seven months ago, chiropractic care began to change my life. Six months ago my entire thought process changed. Every single day since then BIG things have happened. My life has come full circle as of late and I've seen that things I have in my life directly stem back to those two months in the fall.

Last night I had the opportunity to listen to two incredible speakers from within the health world. One shared his story and it was so clear how many people would have given up all hope in his shoes but he chose not to. He knew that giving up was not in God's plan for his life. The other speaker after that talked about never giving up hope and how sharing your story can give others hope they so desperately need.

I share my story on a daily basis because there was once a time in my life for many, many years in which I didn't have hope. I walked through this world daily resigned to the fact that I would live with excruciating pain for the rest of my life. I had doctors either tell me it was all in my head or that taking this pill or that pill would help, which it never really did. My life was not my own. I wasn't really living. I was merely getting by and afraid of doing anything different that might cause more pain. I'm not even 30 yet...I assure you that is NOT living. It's being trapped within your own body almost paralyzed.

Yes, I've lost a ton of weight over the past two years on my own. Yes, I've gotten myself off of all medications with the exception of a once a day allergy pill. Yes, I had reduced my pain level significantly. Did I ever believe I could truly feel how I do today? No. Not at all.

A little over a month ago now, my chiropractor talked me into giving Zeal Wellness a try. I am on day 27 right now and I assure you that I am living a life beyond anything I ever dreamed was possible for me after the previous 16 years. Do you know what it's like to suddenly feel awake when it's felt like you never sleep? Or what it's like to truly feel alive after feeling trapped for more than half of your life? There are no words to accurately describe that. 27 days in and I sit here without joint pain. I've not had a migraine or cluster headache for 27 days. I have slept all night long and woken up feeling ready for whatever the world is going to throw at me every day now. I have had energy that I still don't even quite know what to do with. While continuing with my Primal Diet and using Zeal, I have lost 14.5lbs and 27.7" all over in 27 days. Seriously. It's unreal. I went shopping in a non-plus size store today and bought multiple items and it felt amazing.

 

Then there is my dad who has seen miracles that I never thought I'd see happen. My dad has had heart disease since I was in grade school. He's had multiple heart attacks and surgeries since 1994. He's had severe gout and hernia pain for many years now. He's dealt with pain for more than my entire life. For the past six years or so he has had to increasingly use a cane to walk. He's been told by doctors time and time again that it's amazing he is alive. I don't believe he'd had a full nights sleep in decades. My dad's quality of life has been very poor for as long as I can remember and for the longest time I was certain he would never walk me down the aisle. While that may seem silly, it's literally been a fear I've had since I was a child and I no longer have that fear. My dad is 24 days into Zeal and pain free. He is sleeping all night long. His blood pressure has dropped roughly five points. He doesn't have to sleep during the day.  I might be 29 and getting a new life I've never had but my dad is 72 and finally getting to live again.

If you want to do more, to be more, to live more than what you are doing right now...you can. Do not ever let anyone tell you that you can't. Change your story. Change someone else's story. I did and you know what? I've never felt happier.

Zeal is not a cure all. It's not magic. Zeal is an incredible mix of super foods that is designed to help your body achieve optimal wellness. Zeal allows your body to do the things it is supposed to do. I wake up every day with so much excitement because I can't wait to see how it's going to continue to change my life or the lives of others. Do you get to wake up and know that you are going to change someones life today? I do. There's nothing like it. If you want to know more about Zeal Wellness, send me a message. Check out my website-- tressietucker.zealforlife.com.

xoxo

It's like a Christmas miracle around here...

Good morning, world!

Do you ever wake up and think "Am I seriously going to deal with this for the rest of my life?!" For more than half of my life that's how I woke up, not to mention what would think to myself about a dozen times throughout the day. It's a very sad way to go through life.

In my last post I told you that my chiropractor (who is a God send!) had shared something with me. In the last week I've been taking an incredible wellness mix called Zeal For Life. You guys....I've been blown away all week long but it's to the point of almost being emotional because of something amazing going on.

Between myself, my mom and my dad we have had more health problems than any family should have. In the last two years I have gotten off of all medications except for a once a day allergy pill. My parents take roughly 20 different pills between the two of them. Lyme Disease (all three of us), Fibromyalgia (two of us), severe arthritis (the two of them), heart disease, Hiatal Hernia, migraines, cancer, gout, thyroid problems and major sleeping issues to name a few. That's what we've been dealing with between the three of us for most of my life and my parents had some of those issues before I was born even.

Within the first two hours of my first dose I felt awake. Truly awake and alert is not something I am used to feeling at all. Even with as much weight as I have lost, I've still combated chronic fatigue and basically would somehow manage to get 3-4 hours of very broken sleep a night. And I can fully "function" that way because that is how I have "lived" since I was 13. So within the first 24 hours I had more energy than I knew what to do with. The night of day two, I slept. Legitimately slept the entire night. I didn't wake up at any point with ANY pain at all, which is normally what causes me to toss and turn all night. Each day since then I have been so energized, so awake, have had no pain at all and slept like a baby. I'm in southern IL this weekend, and normally when I sleep at my parents, I toss the entire night, can't get comfortable and wake up almost unable to move for a few hours because of my back. ZERO pain. Oh, and I've lost 11 pounds.

In the first 24 hours of my dad taking it, he had no pain. That is HUGE for my dad, who for the last couple of years has had to use a cane off an on because of frequent and severe gout and knee pain. Last night we were watching the Cardinals game and it hit him that he also had no pain from the hernia which has plagued him for nearly three years. This morning he said he woke up without any pain again.

My mom, God love her, vacuumed the house before I got here on Thursday. Normally, that would put her out of commission for at least a day if not longer because of her arthritis and back pain. Not to mention she fell that afternoon hard, has a monster bruise on her back and really should have been in a lot of pain the day after. She didn't feel worse than she normally does even though she should have. Yesterday she commented that she had no joint pain in her hands which is huge for her.

Can you answer yes to any of the following questions:
1. Do you want more energy?
2. Do you often feel hungry?
3. Do you lack clarity and focus?
4. Do you feel sad or anxious?
5. Do you have daily aches and pains?

If you can answer yes to any single one of those, we need to talk!

I've been a huge proponent as you know from reading this little blog of mine, that YOU have he power to change your life and to change your story. You have the power to make a change in the lives of others, too. I've been changing my life and my story for the last two years. I know that the changes I've made have inspired other people as well.  Zeal For Life is making a change in me that on my own with diet and exercise couldn't do. If you want to know more message me on facebook, email me (ttucker1113@gmail.com) or better yet, take a look at this site: tressietucker.zealforlife.com.

What's stopping you from feeling the way you were meant to feel?

xoxo

Big things are happening...

Hello, world!

Big things...HUGE things are happening and I am beyond excited.

About a month ago I submitted work in progress story to Mark Sisson for some contest to win a year's supply of Primal products (names drawn at random from submitted stories). I didn't hear anything for a couple of weeks and just assumed that I didn't win. No harm, no foul. Well, he personally emailed me and told me how amazing my story is and how it's stories like mine that push him to continue writing books and publishing his website. He wants to use my story!! Mind. Blown.

It continues to baffle me just how far and how deeply my story is reaching others. This morning I discovered that it's now been read in 44 countries. Incredible. Helping even just one other person make a change in their life makes everything I've endured worth it.

A week ago after my adjustment, I was telling my chiropractor about this. We had quite the discussion afterwards that left me feeling pretty empowered and trying something new in conjunction with what I've already been doing. You know what's awesome? Sleeping REALLY well when you haven't for months after what has seemed like a never ending stress-induced flare up. Having virtually no inflammation or joint pain in a relatively small period of time is also awesome. Oh, and let us not forget to talk about the insane amount of energy I've had as well, all from one little scoop of powder per day.  Oh, did I mention that after day one I had lost seven pounds (which according to my chiropractor beats the six pounds he had heard of someone losing)?! Yes, I realize that was all water weight and inflammation leaving my body, but still, freaking amazing. Stay tuned, kids...more information coming about this incredible product.

To quote a line from Rachel Platten's Fight Song, "I might only have one match but I can make an explosion."

 xoxo

Transformation Tuesday...

Hello, World!

I've FINALLY broken through my plateau and I'm down 130 from my heaviest weight now. Some days I don't see a lot of change physically (I know, what?!), but the internal changes are never ending. I've had several people tell me that I should legitimately write about about this journey that I've been on for the past sixteen years...I'm starting to actually toy around with the idea of that.

I was asked again the other day how it is that I'm able to talk so openly about all of this that I've been through. I love to write and it's truly therapeutic for me. As of today people in 39 different countries have read my blog and who knows how many others on some other sites I post for. I've had more than 82,000 page views. That's insane!

I wholeheartedly believe that no matter what struggles you have had in your life, you have the power to re-write your story. You have the power within yourself to say "enough is enough!" If life knocks you down one time or one hundred times, you have have the power to get up and fight back. True change is more than simply a physical, emotional, mental or spiritual change...it's a combination of all of those things.

Don't ever settle for anything in life. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you aren't good enough. Don't let anyone, yourself included, tell you that you can't do something. Decide what you want and go after it. Fight for yourself because nobody else can do that for you. You have the power. I'm living proof.

xoxo

What a difference a year makes...

Hello, world...

It's been a crazy last month or so. I was really sick for several weeks and was dealing with a few other things that made me step back and take some time off for my own mental and physical well-being. I tried to go back to the gym a couple of weeks ago and guess what you should never do when you're battling strep, inner ear infections and bronchitis....attempt to work out. Bad things happen. Dizziness. Nausea. Just don't do it. If you're fighting illness, let yourself heal first as your body is already working harder than normal.

Having said that, this blog is about total wellness...that means it's more than physical well-being, it's also mental, emotional and spiritual well-being, too. This past week has been a rather contemplative one for me in which I've really been reflecting on the changes I've made over this past year.

One year ago today the most serious relationship of my life ended. April Fools Day was certainly a fitting time for it to happen, too. We weren't married, but we did live together for the better part of two years and were raising a child together. The aftermath felt like a divorce and as if someone took my child away from me. I was losing people I'd come to love as my own family, too.

I cried daily for several months leading up to it and in the month before I moved to St. Louis. I didn't know if I'd ever be happy again. I even told myself that the break-up was just temporary and that we'd eventually find our way back to each other. I laugh now thinking about that. The first month that I was here in St. Louis, completely alone was really hard. Sure, I had my family and oldest friends around me, which was fantastic, but I couldn't help but feel that so much of who I was lost in DC and like I'd never get it back.

One day in late Summer it hit me...I had been so worried about being alone and unhappy that I didn't even realize that I hadn't been truly happy for a very long time...in my former relationship or with myself. And so began a process of peeling back the layers and understanding, accepting and forgiving myself and others.

It's April Fools Day again, only this year I am leaps and bounds from person I was a year ago.

I am strong. I am happy. I am content. I am at peace. More than all of that, I love myself, not in spite of all that I have been through but because of it. The picture on the left is of someone who faked happy for a very long time. The picture on the right is of someone who finally learned how to fight for herself and learned to love herself along the way.

It's been the hardest fight of my life, yet the most rewarding in every possible way.


xoxo

Plateaus and ignorance

Hello, world!

Plateaus....ugh. We've all had them but they're super frustrating. I've slept pretty poorly for the past month until this week, the weather has been so bitterly cold that it's been hard to talk myself into the gym as often as I like to go and the combo of the two gave me a flare up for a few weeks. I only lost eight pounds in the past month bringing my total weight loss to 124 pounds. Which is still amazing, I know! I've finally started sleeping well again this week, made it to class on Monday night on top of getting in another workout plus using the elliptical at work. It truly makes all the difference in the world. Hopefully, the flare is done and I can start pushing it again...oh, and thanks Living Social for offering a 1month unlimited boot camp class voucher for a great price! I loved the ones that I did last year before I left DC and I'm in a much better place now mentally to do them, not to mention weigh less than I did then and I know I'm stronger and more flexible!

In other news, the dating scene never ceases to amaze me. A few weeks ago I met a guy and we hit it off really well and had tons of things in common. He was impressed by my blog and by the things I've done to better my life. We went out and a few days later (and after expressing a lot of interest to see me again) he opts to tell me via text that he had never dated anyone who weighed more than he did. But in an attempt to make himself not look like such a jerk he says "I love all of the things about you that matter most to God. And you're so pretty and have a gorgeous smile." I. Was. FLOORED. Who says that to another adult? Granted, he was smaller than any other guy I've ever dated, but still. He said it's a rule of his to not be with someone who weighs more than ten pounds above his weight and it concerned him. I let him have it, probably more than I should have but I found it ridiculous.

I have worked my ass off, literally to be where I am today. I have a long way to go before I get to my goal, but I'm more than halfway through it and the first half was the hardest part. It was a reprisal to a conversation I'd had before with someone else. There is no part of me that wants to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for exactly who I am today. There is no part of me that wants to have anything to do with someone who wants me to change or expects certain things from me in terms of my weight and my health.

I made the decision two years ago to better my life and I have fought tooth and nail for it. I am physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually healthier than I've ever been and I know where I'm going. Shouldn't that be enough? It absolutely is enough for me. I have no problem sharing my goals and my struggles with someone, case and point this blog. Don't ever let anyone make you feel like you aren't enough exactly as you are TODAY. Nobody has the promise of tomorrow and you can't predict what life will throw at you.

You choose the direction that you take your life. You choose to change your story. You choose to be better. You choose those things for yourself, not for someone else.

xoxo

Liver cleansing...

Hello world!

I've been a little bit MIA the past couple of weeks. I've wanted to do this post for a week now but have just been busy. I'm gearing up to do a big liver cleanse so this is fitting. As you all know, I'm a huge proponent of juicing, drinking hot lemon water and anything else that can truly detox your system after all of the years of medications.

Last month I had posted about the benefits of drinking hot water with lemon (and honey sometimes) and my dad asked a few questions about it but said nothing else after that. Last week he had this to report: " I got results yesterday on blood work done last week. For several weeks prior, I have been drinking (twice daily) a cup of HOT water with 2 tbls of lemon juice, 1 tbls apple cider vinegar, 1 tbls raw honey, and a dash of cinnamon. My good cholesterol was UP, my bad cholesterol was DOWN, triglycerides were DOWN, sugar was DOWN, liver function was BETTER!!!" 

For my dad, that's huge. When I was eight, he had a massive heart attack, quadruple bypasses and has had multiple heart attacks since. In the past couple of years since I started my journey, he has lost quite a bit of weight, too. I'm proud of him for trying to help his own cause. It's not always easy but any improvement to your health is a good thing. 

So let's talk about the liver and why it's so important. The liver is the largest organ inside the body and it filters over 32oz. of blood per minute. The liver has more than 200 functions and plays a role in nearly all body functions such as digestion and conversion of nutrients, eliminating waste, producing bile for fat digestion, energy and nutrient storage, controlling cholesterol levels, monitoring natural hormonal balance, producing immune factors to fight infections, detoxifies the blood by filtering toxins such as alcohol, medications, pesticides, environmental chemicals, dead cells, cigarette smoke, air pollutants and natural waste from digestion and respiration. So is it a coincidence that by improving his liver function, his cholesterol has improved? No, not at all.

Below is an excerpt from Cherie Calbom's website, http://www.juiceladycherie.com. I have a few of her books and have done several cleanses that she talks about.

"The liver is a prime place for the body to store toxins that can’t be excreted. Highly toxic chemicals can pass through the liver, including residues from pesticides and herbicides. And it doesn’t take a megadose of toxins or irritating substances to weaken the liver of some individuals. It can be damaged by a variety of medications, alcohol, and viruses.

Alcoholics are notorious for having bad livers because alcohol is a powerful liver toxin. Over time, heavy drinkers can develop severe scarring of the liver and loss of cells in that vital organ. Chronic heavy drinkers with damaged, poorly functioning livers are also at high risk of liver cancer. This is a result of the chronic scarring, inflammation, and exposure to toxins. But it may not be only heavy drinking that causes problems for some people. Researchers have found even small amounts of alcohol can cause fat deposits in the livers of susceptible individuals.

As a consequence of our modern diet, many people have considerable congestion and even gallstones in their liver. This may be true even though a person has not had a history of gallstones. Gallstones in the liver are an impediment to acquiring and maintaining good health, youthfulness, and vitality. They are, indeed, one of the major reasons people become ill and have difficulty recuperating from illness or recovering from disease.

Liver congestion and stagnation are quite common, yet conventional medicine has no way to determine this. Relying on blood tests for diagnostic purposes concerning liver congestion is inadequate. Most people who have a physical ailment have perfectly normal liver enzymes in the blood, despite suffering liver congestion and stagnation. Liver enzymes become elevated in the blood only when there is advanced liver cell destruction, as in hepatitis or liver inflammation. Liver cells contain large amounts of enzymes, and when they are ruptured, the enzymes enter the blood and signal liver abnormalities. By then, the damage has already occurred. It takes many years of congestion before such an event becomes possible. Therefore, cleansing the liver is an excellent preventative measure as well as a healing, restorative, and rejuvenating practice."

Symptoms of a Toxic Liver

• Abdominal discomfort
• Aches and pains
• Brown spots on the face and hands
• Dark circles under the eyes
• Anal itching
• Bad breath
• Body odor
• Sallow or jaundiced complexion
• Whitish or yellow tongue coating
• Digestive problems (belching and flatulence)
• Dizziness
• Drowsiness after eating
• Fatigue
• Frequent urination at night
• Migraine headaches or headaches that involve a feeling of fullness or heaviness in the head
• Inability to tolerate heat or cold
• Sleeplessness (insomnia)
• Loss of memory or inability to concentrate
• Irritability
• Loss of sexual desire
• Lower back pain
• Malaise
• Menstrual problems
• Nervousness and anxiety
• Pain around the right shoulder blade and shoulder (also connected with gallbladder congestion) Puffy eyes and/or face
• Red nose
• Small red spots on the skin (either smooth or raised and hard— known as cherry angiomas)
• Sinus problems
• Allergies
• Candidiasis
• Constipation
• Hemorrhoids
• Cellulite
• Premenstrual syndrome

Benefits of Cleansing the Liver

• Clearer, brighter complexion
• Dark circles disappear from under the eyes
• Some age spots may disappear
• Digestion improves
• Weight loss becomes easier; cellulite goes away
• Energy increases
• Sleep improves; need to urinate during the night improves
• Aches and pains disappear
• Headaches often cease
• Memory improves
• Mood is better
• Allergies go away
• Facial puffiness disappears

After the decade and a half that I spent on such toxic medications, I frequently do a series of cleanses, liver being one of them. If your liver isn't functioning properly, the rest of your body wont either. 

xoxo