tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1566779897337736802024-02-08T00:15:31.947-06:00Embrace The Glorious Mess That You AreT. Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16353300385621379332noreply@blogger.comBlogger45125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-156677989733773680.post-9448583669090403582016-10-31T09:07:00.000-05:002018-10-13T17:01:33.192-05:00I survived...Hello, world...<br />
<br />
Six months. It's been six months since my last post, and it's as if my entire world changed. Again.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmQDgnyvhfk4Kamj7Z9lyadgVYQZY-fn94mz0zbEyvVlc0z_SobnFb74SI82qmlxys1w-eEz487PFTq9bCpIZk5klSFRUE5l_0yXrn1f_YmKOWlzIjfi9unFa7QwlmbTbHCai9NXxuQ_S8/s1600/860b5009232e1940c31258f3e6bcfa8f.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="198" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmQDgnyvhfk4Kamj7Z9lyadgVYQZY-fn94mz0zbEyvVlc0z_SobnFb74SI82qmlxys1w-eEz487PFTq9bCpIZk5klSFRUE5l_0yXrn1f_YmKOWlzIjfi9unFa7QwlmbTbHCai9NXxuQ_S8/s320/860b5009232e1940c31258f3e6bcfa8f.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I'm less than two weeks away from my 31st birthday. Pain has been
part of my life for nearly eighteen years. Physically, mentally, and
emotionally, much of my life has been a struggle. I've endured physical
pain that most people can't even imagine. I've had heartbreak and loss
repeatedly. Somehow, I've always found a way to see the light through
all of it.<br />
<br />
<br />
Two and a half years ago, my world was
completely torn apart. The life that I was living, the story that I
believed, the future that was talked of and dreamed about was nothing
more than a series of lies. I did what I had to do to survive. I moved
to be closer to my family because I knew there was no way that I could
heal when my demons would have been everywhere.<br />
<br />
One day
around the year mark of saying goodbye to a place I thought I would
never leave, surviving turned to thriving. A couple of short months
after that, in June of 2015, I experienced the loss of my father. For
probably the first nine months or so, I was an absolute wreck. I
wouldn't even say that I was surviving. I was waking up, crying,
working, crying, sleeping, crying, etc... It was like Groundhog's Day,
every day. What made it worse was the pain it brought up from my past. I hadn't healed entirely from what I had lost in DC. There was no way for me to separate the two. One
day in April, I woke up and none of it hurt as much. I had made it
through all of the firsts without my dad (except for the anniversary),
and I realized I actually had survived. I started feeling like myself
again. April through Mother's Day was really good. Fittingly, the day
after that, the sky fell. Again.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2YZy0TSaZwXYpu23jelTuspMC2tbfMIwox0834lIs3Q7weRqhkjX7uAyftVBLShDGAAY7ojUygpjWCUUiaf4Avw8E0Ex5bk-XnXWwa3Syu78eddXTbFlCl0e_jqY7cVYB6j_GNpV2qBYC/s1600/8ba7a25c1e2498c878436a88a24ea055.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="190" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2YZy0TSaZwXYpu23jelTuspMC2tbfMIwox0834lIs3Q7weRqhkjX7uAyftVBLShDGAAY7ojUygpjWCUUiaf4Avw8E0Ex5bk-XnXWwa3Syu78eddXTbFlCl0e_jqY7cVYB6j_GNpV2qBYC/s200/8ba7a25c1e2498c878436a88a24ea055.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
On
May 9th, 2016, I woke up with what felt like a swollen lymph node or
possibly a cyst in my right groin. It hurt some but I didn't think too
much about it. That night I could barely sleep because it had started
hurting a lot and the swelling was growing. By the following afternoon, I
was in excruciating pain, and the swelling around the area had easily grown by 100%. I went to the emergency room immediately. More than six
hours later when I finally was able to see a doctor, the swelling had
continued to spread and I was in so much pain that I was shaking and had
a fever. My mom was there with me, thank God. The doctor said that they
were going to admit me after I got a CT scan, but before they sent me
back, she traced around the swollen area so they could see how rapidly
it was expanding. They had to hold me down to do it because it felt like
I was being sliced open with a scalpel (without medicine), and I
remember just lying there, writhing in pain and screaming.<br />
<br />
My
scan showed nothing, but they figured it was just a skin infection of
some sort so they hooked me up to pain medications and antibiotics. My
temperature kept getting higher but they weren't concerned because it
hadn't gotten above 101, despite the fact that I told them repeatedly
that my normal is 96. 101 for me feels like I'm
dying. The days passed by and my pain level grew, the swelling had
wrapped nearly all the way around from one groin to the other and had
started to radiate down my leg. By the morning of day five my fever had
spiked to 103 (seven degrees above my normal) and they decided that
maybe they should change the antibiotics again because the three they
had me on weren't getting the job done.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggKLBvHnoVZPLt-NXEEfI36w1NGJVddn435puDb7-p1kTFIQZ3E8SbM_qODAubxYk4dXhw5zjGBN3hNMp0RkvnhXB9YQtGFFHnCNJzOxVKLtkeS2M4Lvqqc6gweP_zEgT3wej-9kp7YHMu/s1600/IMG_20160512_0905235.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggKLBvHnoVZPLt-NXEEfI36w1NGJVddn435puDb7-p1kTFIQZ3E8SbM_qODAubxYk4dXhw5zjGBN3hNMp0RkvnhXB9YQtGFFHnCNJzOxVKLtkeS2M4Lvqqc6gweP_zEgT3wej-9kp7YHMu/s200/IMG_20160512_0905235.jpg" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My fever was roughly 7 degrees higher than my normal</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiwjZlG1lj-_fYFn2-ZqHWExvMu5eTQtiFu73cV7LAs06MdPDm3T6tJSbgbLdaC-5TapOnjr-B2IXj6aZqD_qMqT15A-emEYa1m9hyphenhyphenKbTQAbfibIT3kBYN5B7e5kgON73fjo6qVkBVjC__/s1600/IMG_20160512_1055564.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgiwjZlG1lj-_fYFn2-ZqHWExvMu5eTQtiFu73cV7LAs06MdPDm3T6tJSbgbLdaC-5TapOnjr-B2IXj6aZqD_qMqT15A-emEYa1m9hyphenhyphenKbTQAbfibIT3kBYN5B7e5kgON73fjo6qVkBVjC__/s200/IMG_20160512_1055564.jpg" width="145" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Changing of the lines after blowing another one</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsZgKOxkYOI9C6Wk2G3yrDbTgsSOD2W5EUcDYDq9GycVKTvUOTQTNVw1aZRih1rNn6E-Iis-doQwirUOTbqLN71tSHwweCimWA9L59CPQY5jNikGTd5p-CUnbQ7gE00tG-6rtu5VQhBdPA/s1600/IMG_20160513_0840574.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsZgKOxkYOI9C6Wk2G3yrDbTgsSOD2W5EUcDYDq9GycVKTvUOTQTNVw1aZRih1rNn6E-Iis-doQwirUOTbqLN71tSHwweCimWA9L59CPQY5jNikGTd5p-CUnbQ7gE00tG-6rtu5VQhBdPA/s200/IMG_20160513_0840574.jpg" width="143" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And after blowing yet another vein, they used this scanner to try to find a new one.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiG_uXUxItHxC213zgRzBIj38YMM_CjOdXutdjOhlJnGxZys5kzAJwD56lDnfR1uxxWxNIOycf3pVST-vUukSyX0yYpfIbrzwKNa0l9b0QFOXg3JH-BphyphenhyphenMO5GjMX1f2S6F25S-Y9itvVx1/s1600/IMG_20160513_1002057.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiG_uXUxItHxC213zgRzBIj38YMM_CjOdXutdjOhlJnGxZys5kzAJwD56lDnfR1uxxWxNIOycf3pVST-vUukSyX0yYpfIbrzwKNa0l9b0QFOXg3JH-BphyphenhyphenMO5GjMX1f2S6F25S-Y9itvVx1/s200/IMG_20160513_1002057.jpg" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Swelling on day 3</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhy-R6eNaNx3PjJGoDL9H5vqO2iY1Y26vZtEYZQxEPTehNrR8shKwPhO8d2aQmxmjItj_9gYs1fxZz84eYTeEbEHyi5V6JibAseMm65KYjqbez2JXGCzCsLgRqoR64Fgi_HVqwi3u9nlg0H/s1600/IMG_20160515_1624531.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhy-R6eNaNx3PjJGoDL9H5vqO2iY1Y26vZtEYZQxEPTehNrR8shKwPhO8d2aQmxmjItj_9gYs1fxZz84eYTeEbEHyi5V6JibAseMm65KYjqbez2JXGCzCsLgRqoR64Fgi_HVqwi3u9nlg0H/s200/IMG_20160515_1624531.jpg" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Swelling on day 5</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
By the morning of day five, the swelling had continued to wrap around to
the back of my right hip, and all the way across the top to the other hip.
By the time it was radiating down my leg, I had blisters that had been
popping up for a day or so. Once they started to rupture, my pain level
was out of control.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh43TUV2aD8DSx5Y_jKPgN5uD8CFk1M75aLrvwqQwvGrjXFMtzPRHrLy_A7yserdKpONQVXmCGpvtXBDDIViXL2pm9b0J1oDO52n1RbZyHGNpNKYoTaFVojAkjSXLSJyqeiJUmMJX35qQEd/s1600/IMG_20160516_1142550.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh43TUV2aD8DSx5Y_jKPgN5uD8CFk1M75aLrvwqQwvGrjXFMtzPRHrLy_A7yserdKpONQVXmCGpvtXBDDIViXL2pm9b0J1oDO52n1RbZyHGNpNKYoTaFVojAkjSXLSJyqeiJUmMJX35qQEd/s200/IMG_20160516_1142550.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oxygen, iv, and pain pump cords</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjccC6mINRDnNA3wmkwAjspGRlNqv_ds4MZQRMLPL8ZN0WfYTcmSVYbmzMXcScmpg9jHNpqaRIseW-YBwICkp9OtoUKrp4K_WS27tXu6dj1Mwf-mQT_FiXFaaAU1xnn83N6NB2-ShnPtmJ/s1600/IMG_20160516_1214248.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjccC6mINRDnNA3wmkwAjspGRlNqv_ds4MZQRMLPL8ZN0WfYTcmSVYbmzMXcScmpg9jHNpqaRIseW-YBwICkp9OtoUKrp4K_WS27tXu6dj1Mwf-mQT_FiXFaaAU1xnn83N6NB2-ShnPtmJ/s200/IMG_20160516_1214248.jpg" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I had to start oxygen after struggling to breathe through the pain</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
By the morning of the sixth day, I was truly in fear of my life.
There was also an incident with my normal primary care
physician and as a result I removed her from my case. I basically hadn't
slept more than and hour or two at a time here and there the entire
time that I was there. It already
wasn't a good one when the primary did rounds on me that morning. The
other doctors on my case were amazing, and had been in my room for quite
some time that morning. They spent a lot more time seeing the
physical anguish I had been under. They, along with two other doctors
suggested a pain pump to her
because all infection, swelling and pain got worse all weekend. The
primary looked at me and said she would only sign off on this if I
talked to someone in psych first. She felt like the only reason my pain
was so bad was because I was grieving my dad. I stopped speaking or
looking at her at that point. You
should have seen the looks on the other two doctors faces who had
actually seen the agony my body has been through--the infection, swelling, and blistering had done to my body. I missed my dad and she
had known three months before I went in that I was still struggling
with my grief. However, I had never once said that any of this had happened
because he was gone.<br />
<br />
Thank God the surgeon who had
consulted on my case was convinced that since none of the five
antibiotics or pain killers were helping, that we needed to do another
scan. There were some spots that looked like they could cut into and
hopefully drain. They went in that evening, essentially just exploring
to finds areas they could remove the apparent infection from. They tunneled
through a lot of infection, and removed as much as they could. It required
two incisions, one on the inside of my right groin that was roughly
about two and a half inches long, and another roughly and inch long just
above my vagina. Such pleasant areas to be sliced open. The pain once I
was back into a room, was ungodly. Because they tunneled so far into my
body, the incisions couldn't be closed up with stitches. Instead they
had to be cleaned and packed multiple times a day. When the packing
would be removed, the pain was so unbearable (and that was with multiple
pain killers) that all I could do was scream, shake, and cry. I had
horrible experiences with nurses who were so careless we had to request
they not be assigned to my case.<br />
<br />
The morning after
surgery, in which it had been confirmed that I had necrotizing cellulitis, I tested positive for staph, and MRSA, any of which can kill you on their own. My room was
instantly turned into an isolation room for the rest of my time there.
Nobody could come in or out without a gown, mask, and gloves on...except
for my mother, because nobody tells her what to do. The hospitalist
told me that had they not gone in when they did, the infections would
have spread to my blood, and I would have been dead within 24 hours.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZpMgoqkOdp4ypMPYMZdVHs_SIvb_VfY2B_X7ZyTO802Gg86g2eJm0eINqfNpEJ5O2i1az7DuuiBQOToz_BUyX4UzbDYex1wduJ4ARsWvyv0ZiqdmK0x68Ozwy9iGU5G9zRYXT95lYU9kE/s1600/IMG_20160524_1807039.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZpMgoqkOdp4ypMPYMZdVHs_SIvb_VfY2B_X7ZyTO802Gg86g2eJm0eINqfNpEJ5O2i1az7DuuiBQOToz_BUyX4UzbDYex1wduJ4ARsWvyv0ZiqdmK0x68Ozwy9iGU5G9zRYXT95lYU9kE/s200/IMG_20160524_1807039.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">After my eighth line blew, they finally moved to a picc line, which took two separate attempts.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXeTpjefxe3GkS5h18BCi16nlj8cE2fLtFY0ne1Rs9mkIPWpsPVgoZ-EzUHH8zpMzCCImbcOvSMH8Gx0oNemzFGhz8KlKxqgfnd80RlK3p-5SIMlt7nff1oSLzDaLQNR0BNyEjPDJxA29D/s1600/IMG_20160524_1803288.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="155" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXeTpjefxe3GkS5h18BCi16nlj8cE2fLtFY0ne1Rs9mkIPWpsPVgoZ-EzUHH8zpMzCCImbcOvSMH8Gx0oNemzFGhz8KlKxqgfnd80RlK3p-5SIMlt7nff1oSLzDaLQNR0BNyEjPDJxA29D/s200/IMG_20160524_1803288.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I had more than thirty bruises on my stomach from the blood thinner
injections I received twice a day. A month after being discharged, some
of them were still there. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXU54Qe-JnJMQivjKp4RMDBvNg8Ute7iMUeR8_iBXN_6SOjjbEWPrDYjQhePRQ9YjK8zSfH3ukZwrZVY5J_5M0bdQf-R6_kGYBBcR4YhSIwNSG7SbhKm9RNnvIDuMwMmwyf6ERwqk86Z_V/s1600/IMG_20160524_1930165.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXU54Qe-JnJMQivjKp4RMDBvNg8Ute7iMUeR8_iBXN_6SOjjbEWPrDYjQhePRQ9YjK8zSfH3ukZwrZVY5J_5M0bdQf-R6_kGYBBcR4YhSIwNSG7SbhKm9RNnvIDuMwMmwyf6ERwqk86Z_V/s200/IMG_20160524_1930165.jpg" width="150" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Day 14, still miserable. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFfdWRFR3LH5sAllDFWQm3x7_jV7ifPJBoQkk2SusU3nm_WVcTu_cmhsU7cR3DeWUzEdzHRWDdZ6-TPUi8EdEwIEleVQ3g_zKQc6a7c50tc81CPsJ3opbaoV492h0US5qhCkVi6FNI91o9/s1600/IMG_20160525_1127207.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFfdWRFR3LH5sAllDFWQm3x7_jV7ifPJBoQkk2SusU3nm_WVcTu_cmhsU7cR3DeWUzEdzHRWDdZ6-TPUi8EdEwIEleVQ3g_zKQc6a7c50tc81CPsJ3opbaoV492h0US5qhCkVi6FNI91o9/s200/IMG_20160525_1127207.jpg" width="144" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This was the smaller end of the biggest incision, eight and a half days after surgery .</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Eventually, on the fifteenth day, my blood counts had improved enough
for me to be discharged. I was sent home with two antibiotics, a
steroid, two pain killers, sleeping pills, anti-nausea pills, and anti-anxiety medication. I
had never been so happy to go home in my life. When they sent me home, the warning that if I did not allow proper healing, the infection would come back and absolutely kill me. Hello, anxiety, my old friend.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjP03voWMgW5WGi8kXRBQhUGc-xSGvH7ECeYe3ez8CWdLNlazr9ng7HKFscWny_-RbxVqGnPsBsM5RGsl8ylz-olJMj56-5FggfYcY8o__w7obZauim-SDZY2DglTlCCphE74W5VhzTMQBw/s1600/IMG_20160525_1200140.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="191" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjP03voWMgW5WGi8kXRBQhUGc-xSGvH7ECeYe3ez8CWdLNlazr9ng7HKFscWny_-RbxVqGnPsBsM5RGsl8ylz-olJMj56-5FggfYcY8o__w7obZauim-SDZY2DglTlCCphE74W5VhzTMQBw/s200/IMG_20160525_1200140.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Removing the picc line the went from my right arm all the way over to my heart. I still have the scars from both lines.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilbUW5fCY7LJwfrFRytAwOvLDU_g_E7kzzIbVt_aAArZCf3Hr1mWzosrR1pm9Ak_nFWhppm5-N74gcW1XZuoSD_szodDUPvYk2D_czgvrQiIdcRXCGWzSNRIIAd93y9Vhy2IT-BZKfDwJh/s1600/IMG_20160517_1836280.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="166" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilbUW5fCY7LJwfrFRytAwOvLDU_g_E7kzzIbVt_aAArZCf3Hr1mWzosrR1pm9Ak_nFWhppm5-N74gcW1XZuoSD_szodDUPvYk2D_czgvrQiIdcRXCGWzSNRIIAd93y9Vhy2IT-BZKfDwJh/s200/IMG_20160517_1836280.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I received so many phone calls, emails, texts, cards, thoughtful gifts
and beautiful flowers from friends literally all over the country.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
If you've followed my journey at all, you know that I stand firm on
knowing that I would not be alive were it not for God. Were it not for
my faith, I would have ended my life when I was in junior high because
of the hell that I was going through. I will tell you this right now, from May 9 through much of August, I have never experienced such agonizing pain, and that is saying something. Without knowing that God has a purpose and a plan for everything in my life, I would not have survived. Without the prayers of hundreds of people, I would not have survived. Without my Momma taking care of me after I was discharged, I would not have survived. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't change my own dressings. I could barely walk. I couldn't lift anything. Going to the bathroom or attempting to bathe seemed like really stupid ideas because of how painful it was. The surgeon said it would take four to six weeks for the incisions to heal all the way...it took more than two months. Five months and six days after being discharged, I still have a ton of scar tissues that hurts sometimes.<br />
<br />
I love writing. I love knowing that I'm able to use my journey to help others along the way. I couldn't write for most of the time I was recovering because I was at a loss for words, and just in so much pain. This fall has been great so far (more about that later), and I'm finally back into the swing of my Primal habits, too.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1Z0wauGhg1OaTe99tnvIo2enr5iG5Zsicm7Lkh28wAP9510KvKisUddK5i5pKePMGZ_OEykBFDjVXJZ2Jpgr-RFxI-N8B2ZgwhdKyESabWaoT4dwneuDYEtzJHwjqMqEgFt1166EZtXWq/s1600/763e42313bb35eb332c82b9fea64dd14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="175" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1Z0wauGhg1OaTe99tnvIo2enr5iG5Zsicm7Lkh28wAP9510KvKisUddK5i5pKePMGZ_OEykBFDjVXJZ2Jpgr-RFxI-N8B2ZgwhdKyESabWaoT4dwneuDYEtzJHwjqMqEgFt1166EZtXWq/s200/763e42313bb35eb332c82b9fea64dd14.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<br />
For now I will leave you with this. I survived. They say that you should do more than just survive. There are periods in our lives where sometimes it takes everything within us to merely survive. I made it through a year that for a while, I didn't know if I would. My body is literally covered in scars from nearly a dozen lines that went in and out of my body, dozens of needle marks, and huge incisions that I find myself fairly self conscious about. I survived. I'm alive. I don't had from the wars that I have been through. Somehow, God thinks I am strong enough to handle all of these things. And if for no other reason than to share my story and to give even one person enough hope to keep fighting their battles, then I'll take it.<br />
<br />
Because I survived, and because I am alive, I did something this weekend that I never thought I would do. I had a scripture reference tattooed on my wrist-- Psalm 46:5. It is my constant reminder that God is within me and that is what gets me through all of it. I also had my Daddy's hand writing traced from a birthday card he sent to me, and tattooed onto my foot. I've struggled with the fact that he won't be there when I get married some day. His words are on the side where he would be standing next to me if he was. Every time I look down, I see his actual words and it makes me smile.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNXEmZUR8GBO9nogzIY3gP_sdPLGQRRPaIpDKwtJ-WhNJ8lPk9Is5CN2EmcZsSgK5Rh3DYZmRiePvSm7HjqNXK3XSGthniFPgrCYEWrf7yfPhDXOfDd-t3-Vki4VYTozkruvRTmv2OURKn/s1600/14907160_10154613826653774_3052110418172957362_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNXEmZUR8GBO9nogzIY3gP_sdPLGQRRPaIpDKwtJ-WhNJ8lPk9Is5CN2EmcZsSgK5Rh3DYZmRiePvSm7HjqNXK3XSGthniFPgrCYEWrf7yfPhDXOfDd-t3-Vki4VYTozkruvRTmv2OURKn/s320/14907160_10154613826653774_3052110418172957362_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
No matter the battle you are facing, no matter how scary life gets, no matter how hard you are fighting to just survive, you can do it. One day merely surviving will turn into more than that. One day you will wake up and realize that you've done more than just survive. This entire year has changed my perspective on absolutely everything, and that's not a bad thing.<br />
<br />
xoxoT. Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16353300385621379332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-156677989733773680.post-81423196191403507612016-04-24T10:30:00.000-05:002016-04-24T10:30:53.905-05:00Change a life, change the world...Hello world...<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaQkCYCsIMRxmIDwBnutLB2pjwboQBGdGDk0f3HpDOFsw3onIUNMenETu5NIyaNw29c2HuvECFxojkG1mp-Yxtpey0yyZsVg4PLc-PSVUD8sNE-UuIx3G67cuMJGRlOq9ccOmyNSPr1uKJ/s1600/b83aecc8bc3c9233f902c67bc9713fe6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaQkCYCsIMRxmIDwBnutLB2pjwboQBGdGDk0f3HpDOFsw3onIUNMenETu5NIyaNw29c2HuvECFxojkG1mp-Yxtpey0yyZsVg4PLc-PSVUD8sNE-UuIx3G67cuMJGRlOq9ccOmyNSPr1uKJ/s320/b83aecc8bc3c9233f902c67bc9713fe6.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
This isn't necessarily one of my normal posts but this has been on my heart all week long. Please take a few moments and read this.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1SwPgBc3An2ZKFHfyvSJi2Te785At7qM2uBHE2IRrROpsK4xxIsFwZclyaAwzAfcYuezDa3wh0vhTdcYQf5D4r7rx5CCI92uFbU72j-WQCVIF3NmtAytiXjcoMFLUiIpgytzUCMo-Bxqc/s1600/10752097_1461034914.6322.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1SwPgBc3An2ZKFHfyvSJi2Te785At7qM2uBHE2IRrROpsK4xxIsFwZclyaAwzAfcYuezDa3wh0vhTdcYQf5D4r7rx5CCI92uFbU72j-WQCVIF3NmtAytiXjcoMFLUiIpgytzUCMo-Bxqc/s320/10752097_1461034914.6322.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
That precious little baby is Brenden. Brenden is a twin who was born six weeks prematurely on April 9, 2106. His parents, Jessica and Chris knew that he was going to be smaller than his twin sister, Briella (who is perfect and at home), and that he was going to be born with a hole in his heart. At the last sonogram before he was born, it was thought that he would weigh roughly 3lbs 10oz. Instead, he came out a whole pound smaller. Even more troubling is the fact that he was born with a condition they weren't expecting; PDA- Patent Ductus Arteriosus. After birth, the vessel outside of his heart was supposed to close up but it did not.<br />
<br />
The doctors wanted to wait to perform any surgeries until Brenden is about five pounds, but they can't wait any longer. They tried a medication that typically helps to close it up but it didn't work. His tiny heart is pumping fluids into his lungs, making his body work overtime and as a result, he is on a breathing machine, too. The hole they were expecting is on the inside of his heart, is a condition called VSD- Ventrical Septal Defect. This is something entirely different that can't be addressed yet. They are doing surgery on him Monday (4/25/16) to try to repair the vessel. Hopefully after this, his tiny body can get some rest and start growing before they tend to the hole in his heart.<br />
<br />
Besides having his twin sister, Briella, at home, they also have a big brother named Ben.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEij8GXTQc1Wh0LhptZPQeklR5GuQLKikG8OemwwExr2FhzT2UjUF01DuQ38wcZKfdEFSXhRMZ-0Ji3WtWqSuuwR6qPgYSoqTYvsE5jr2osfns014f9ZjN_IGQH95roBONt_o8jw_3Igmrzf/s1600/13043260_10153716172688402_1192025393227748573_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="319" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEij8GXTQc1Wh0LhptZPQeklR5GuQLKikG8OemwwExr2FhzT2UjUF01DuQ38wcZKfdEFSXhRMZ-0Ji3WtWqSuuwR6qPgYSoqTYvsE5jr2osfns014f9ZjN_IGQH95roBONt_o8jw_3Igmrzf/s320/13043260_10153716172688402_1192025393227748573_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
Although Brenden is three weeks old now, Jessica has only held him twice. I can't fathom having a sick and helpless child that I couldn't hold and comfort. It breaks my heart.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi16FvsOQ-ck7gbn_dmJI6r3HYApsIvzxY-YnT-ASNHKvE9gK90f1YVU_Z-OYF14WaQ1IACarXJI_9NMLwTsU88hnWh27kjLodF8g7psDpbQeaZTOQ5EVJLV7hliBgfmZkASikuiGtmwk8r/s1600/13043521_10153724688383402_5477847519751067607_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi16FvsOQ-ck7gbn_dmJI6r3HYApsIvzxY-YnT-ASNHKvE9gK90f1YVU_Z-OYF14WaQ1IACarXJI_9NMLwTsU88hnWh27kjLodF8g7psDpbQeaZTOQ5EVJLV7hliBgfmZkASikuiGtmwk8r/s320/13043521_10153724688383402_5477847519751067607_n.jpg" width="228" /></a></div>
Jessica and Chris, both teachers, live roughly 45 minutes away from the hospital in Dallas where Brenden is staying. He will likely be in the hospital for several months. It's more than $3000 per day that he is there and a good portion of the costs aren't covered by insurance. That doesn't include the costs of his surgeries either.<br />
<br />
I wanted to do anything I could to help this sweet family in their time of need, to somehow lift any ounce of burden from them. As you all know from reading my blog, I believe in the power of prayer. Please pray for him today, tomorrow when he has his first surgery, and in the coming months. Please share his story on your various social media outlets. This blog has been read in almost 80 countries now. If each of you share it, and if just one other person shares it...imagine the impact your prayers can have on this precious little baby and his family. Beyond your prayers, there is also a GoFundMe account setup in Brenden's name to help with the financial strains this is placing on his family. Anything you can give is appreciated more than words could ever say.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.gofundme.com/helpbabybrenden" target="_blank">https://www.gofundme.com/helpbabybrenden</a><br />
<br />
There is a song by Kutlas that says "I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end, even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do."<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixaZKrRYPuEuJW2MnUAM1NhOw5n8h9zusdCyzP3nX5YS72a4e4VEPYLpdKjozkaz4dk-QBDNnOM8YNaUmDEcVCwOaMAlxnk-apFtgrrrR-MLACMJQYvmBM5Zkxfke4Ts2KZ3gOfEq6pnPJ/s1600/in-humility-count-others-more-signiicant_thumb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="187" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixaZKrRYPuEuJW2MnUAM1NhOw5n8h9zusdCyzP3nX5YS72a4e4VEPYLpdKjozkaz4dk-QBDNnOM8YNaUmDEcVCwOaMAlxnk-apFtgrrrR-MLACMJQYvmBM5Zkxfke4Ts2KZ3gOfEq6pnPJ/s320/in-humility-count-others-more-signiicant_thumb.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
For my entire life, I have seen and felt the power of prayer. I have seen the amazing things that happen when we call on Jesus. My faith is bigger than anything that life has thrown at me these last 17 years during my struggles. I hope that you will join us in praying for Brenden and that if you can give anything financially, you will. Please share this sweet baby's story and help change his world.<br />
<br />
<br />
xoxo<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />T. Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16353300385621379332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-156677989733773680.post-88588752200069126942016-04-21T16:13:00.000-05:002017-07-03T16:13:26.006-05:00Stories...Hello, world...<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
Lately I've been thinking a lot about life and the stories that come out of it. I think we all have this inherent notion that life is supposed to be how we first envisioned it would be. The thing is, life is a series of twists and turns, love and loss, joy and pain, and we are supposed to adapt along the way. For most of us, it takes something huge and often heartbreaking to realize this.<br />
<br />
For most of my life, I definitely dreamed of a life significantly different than the one I have. The first time I realized life was not all that I imagined it would be, I was thirteen. My entire teenage existence was a nightmare; mentally, emotionally and physically a nightmare. Every year I would tell tell myself "Don't worry, this year things will change and it will be how it should be." In college, with the realization that I would never be happy going down the career path that I had wanted for most of my life, I walked away from it. That was the first time that I realized I needed to adjust the dream. Shortly after that, there was a man who damn near broke me. I left Chicagoland and moved to Florida to find myself again.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOrYrEOwcH2N4BOS398B1wKQtMzCBaSxbPywKmgssz3uGCAJ05jTeCv_AAEUHg2vUuWPzFUQHSnhvu_H23iA_rc7nPooyGc4Y5IN3XLGEACmjeKRihE6dJE_LSZ8yPVvDGBw2x1TF4v0CS/s1600/34ac1823ec1e207a691f7350d198e726.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOrYrEOwcH2N4BOS398B1wKQtMzCBaSxbPywKmgssz3uGCAJ05jTeCv_AAEUHg2vUuWPzFUQHSnhvu_H23iA_rc7nPooyGc4Y5IN3XLGEACmjeKRihE6dJE_LSZ8yPVvDGBw2x1TF4v0CS/s320/34ac1823ec1e207a691f7350d198e726.jpg" width="309" /></a></div>
<br />
Even though I had dealt with my dad's heart issues since I was eight, in terms of my parents at least, it never occurred to me that emotionally, I could be more terrified than I had been at seventeen years old. I had to drive my dad to the emergency room while he was having a heart attack and sit with him for hours by myself. It shaped me in so many ways. However, weeks after moving to Florida, my mom; my rock, my best friend and the person who has always understood the physical anguish I endured for so long, was diagnosed with cancer. It scared me like nothing else in life ever had before. During that summer, I lost my last grandparent and watched one of my uncles go through cancer as well. I realized then that life really is fleeting and again that life doesn't usually go how you imagine that it will.<br />
<br />
Flash forward a couple of years to when I was living in DC and had a new life dream take shape. I thought that I was so happy and had everything that I had ever wanted, and for a while that was in fact the case. The one day I learned how much of it had been a lie, perhaps a mere figment of my imagination. From past experiences, I knew that if I stayed, it would break me like nothing else ever had before. I removed myself from that situation and at the time, I didn't know just how much that would change my life.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkCy7rtiKoCnZlbOs7ZNlHXPPGTz0GpkR95mdCdnKM657o2UQSQYnCRtn_TQDqLch7N05ch7q-4tz6vSRd9ujjhUcLzWoSZvmoTkzxjIBT7kVH7DDl979qZDcXNRviUjrBqKD5QEL64K2Y/s1600/bb4ab79fd7197280b566298772b52f4d.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkCy7rtiKoCnZlbOs7ZNlHXPPGTz0GpkR95mdCdnKM657o2UQSQYnCRtn_TQDqLch7N05ch7q-4tz6vSRd9ujjhUcLzWoSZvmoTkzxjIBT7kVH7DDl979qZDcXNRviUjrBqKD5QEL64K2Y/s320/bb4ab79fd7197280b566298772b52f4d.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
My story felt like chapter after chapter of pain, loss and uncertainty. After dealing with sickness (my own and that of many family members) for such a long time, love and loss, and dreams fading away, I decided that enough was enough. My dream was no longer that life would be a certain way, but that I would live life a certain way from there on out. For so long I placed my happiness and my dreams into the hands of others, and not surprisingly, I was always let down. I realized one day that while God holds my future, and he knows how my story ends, I am the one who tells the story. I am the one who gets to close out a chapter to better myself. I am the one who determines my own happiness.<br />
<br />
Last year in my little corner of the world here, I talked a lot about changing your story if you don't like it. I've allowed so many things in life to hold me back from embracing who and what I am called to be. I don't anymore. After I left DC, I realized that I hadn't loved or liked myself even in such a long time. I allowed myself to be jaded by others. What power do you give to others that you shouldn't? What's holding you back from thriving and truly loving yourself?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
Before my dad died last year, I had been truly living and loving myself. After he was gone, it became so difficult to believe that I could ever be happy again. I have openly talked about my struggle with grief, and it's likely that my past issues with depression made it even harder. I've said that I cried daily for months. The pain would let up for a while and then something would set me off. I read earlier today that grief is not a normal wound. Truer words have never been spoken. We all grieve differently and there is no wrong way to do grieve. Eventually though, we adjust to a new normalcy that we didn't sign up for and it's okay again. I'm happy in this new normalcy and there is peace inside of me again.<br />
<br />
We don't always get to choose the things that happen to us. The choice we get to make is whether or not we want to stay where we are at in life. If you're unhappy, do something about it. If you don't like your story, you have a few choices. You can stay in that chapter and hope that it gets better and maybe it will. You can close the chapter all together and start the next one and maybe that will be enough for some of you. However, if you're anything like me, there have been so many chapters filled with physical pain, emotional struggles and loss that simply starting another chapter just won't cut it anymore. Write a new story.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjFOjvqEXFnedChiURJI5L2SiLr7MyUd1sLvIfSeQJ8We6aA46erg2KebtzCg3TOtcyx1Xtp1rQXJJIUthZkAcuRaIwV-8N91faXhsY8FoBUwS7RKuFNxfWNQJ2toN6HgCVnH0f9fVmjTh/s1600/b8e29e064b14e9d4515a424878298382.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="282" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjFOjvqEXFnedChiURJI5L2SiLr7MyUd1sLvIfSeQJ8We6aA46erg2KebtzCg3TOtcyx1Xtp1rQXJJIUthZkAcuRaIwV-8N91faXhsY8FoBUwS7RKuFNxfWNQJ2toN6HgCVnH0f9fVmjTh/s320/b8e29e064b14e9d4515a424878298382.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Decide that you deserve more and go after it. Don't allow yourself to stay stuck in situations that do nothing but shatter your hopes and dreams. Place your happiness into your own hands. And when you come to a place of happiness and peace, share your story and make a difference in another persons life. I know that for being thirty years old, I've gone through more than most can fathom. I could have decided a long time ago to be angry and to question God for why he would allow all of these things. Instead, I chose to believe that there was a purpose to all of it. For the longest time, I didn't understand the purpose. My journey and my story has been read by people in almost 80...EIGHTY countries now. I've had people tell me that because of my story, they had hope again, that they had courage and found strength. My soul lights up when someone thanks me for being able to share my stories. Knowing that I help even just one person makes all of it worth it.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7_u4NEzaqiV7-0izjqfKZq2xoTgBv27xkyOLmxhPgsArHoEUlLydjsReTuKFVdPSjVc9BKhmaYTKtIUWVAvB5KhJ31rCY4RlL2J-M5iQ8opJEouwh1GZx2_JAGohhcdTkb7pQ7bWKwiXq/s1600/l-273962.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="304" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7_u4NEzaqiV7-0izjqfKZq2xoTgBv27xkyOLmxhPgsArHoEUlLydjsReTuKFVdPSjVc9BKhmaYTKtIUWVAvB5KhJ31rCY4RlL2J-M5iQ8opJEouwh1GZx2_JAGohhcdTkb7pQ7bWKwiXq/s320/l-273962.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
Share your stories; not only will you help others in the process, but it will bless you, too.<br />
<br />
xoxo <br />
<br />
<br />T. Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16353300385621379332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-156677989733773680.post-72128889728159581022016-04-14T14:21:00.000-05:002016-04-14T14:27:06.573-05:00The after life...Hello, world...<br />
<br />
It's been a few months since my last post. As you all know, life after my dad's death has been really difficult for me. Every time I thought I was in a better place, some memory or dream would knock me down flat again. Mentally, emotionally and physically I was a mess...and not even a glorious one at that!<br />
<br />
A week after my last post, I was in a car accident. I was hit from behind and the driver fled the scene. I had a lot of damage to my neck and have gone through a lot of pain to get back to a place of full function again. The mental and emotion pain from it the first six weeks are so were comparable to the physical anguish. You've all read my story so you know everything I've overcome before, especially the horrible migraines and joint pain. Shortly after the accident, I was terrified that the pain I had worked so hard to to overcome in the past, was not only back with a vengeance, but could possibly be here to stay. It crushed my spirit and threw me back into my grief in a pretty powerful way.<br />
<br />
In February, I had an appointment with my primary doctor and we were talking about where I was at with my grief eight months post losing my dad. She told me that every time we've talked about it, I kept putting so much focus on who I was before he died. She said it was as if I had been denying that I really could have an after life; a life after my dad, one in which I was happy again. Wow. In the months leading up to that day, nobody had said such to me. Later that night, I finally slept well and woke up feeling hope, something I really hadn't up until that point. It was a feeling of hope for my future instead of sorrow for yesterday.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitEnykcyMNzcdpLCTwGuHF54X2BY3EULfRdgDDPYJF_kzajA4TPf0wt5ODyiKwaF3zy2nrw0figrJqW11r72gG0tZ8ENoq4p_OE3F7mfD83T2H5_hvgHxmB08kJyrcyu0MICMdogf9c8Bk/s1600/0a21e28438499c57b69df4b0aa9e5148.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitEnykcyMNzcdpLCTwGuHF54X2BY3EULfRdgDDPYJF_kzajA4TPf0wt5ODyiKwaF3zy2nrw0figrJqW11r72gG0tZ8ENoq4p_OE3F7mfD83T2H5_hvgHxmB08kJyrcyu0MICMdogf9c8Bk/s320/0a21e28438499c57b69df4b0aa9e5148.jpg" width="306" /></a></div>
<br />
In the nearly two months since that appointment I've found myself in a place I haven't been in for quite some time. I started fighting for myself again...fighting for what I need. I've talked about my dad without feeling pain inside of me while doing so. I've rejoiced for great things going on in my family, without feeling bad for doing so. I've made really hard decisions that were best for me and my future, rather than simply staying comfortable. I've learned that my darkest days have amounted to the biggest season of internal and spiritual growth I've ever experienced. I've gotten to know myself in a way that I never imagined I would have to and it's been an amazing thing.<br />
<br />
My parents anniversary would have been last month, as well as my dad's birthday. I thought those days would wreck me, and although I missed him terribly, and felt sad, the feeling passed and I just kept living. In the last few weeks, I've realized that while my dad is having his own afterlife (and it's more than he ever dreamed of), so am I and I'm happy. <br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_NtOXHLc4bwXbu9MGGtRMxhIL14D_hElyZ6e_E2xM6DnESQpRhdLGT4_hyphenhyphenFGYEIjk_EZtPYjNl6_pGx3a6Y4Y34twTefEeRYtcUSKIjTJmoRRYl05exekG9zTvUb86lS6MhgMZ6MgMYQk/s1600/f6786fcf46229b7432160bb9fe97ce8e.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_NtOXHLc4bwXbu9MGGtRMxhIL14D_hElyZ6e_E2xM6DnESQpRhdLGT4_hyphenhyphenFGYEIjk_EZtPYjNl6_pGx3a6Y4Y34twTefEeRYtcUSKIjTJmoRRYl05exekG9zTvUb86lS6MhgMZ6MgMYQk/s320/f6786fcf46229b7432160bb9fe97ce8e.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
It's been a little over ten months now since he left us and life has changed so much. There have been other endings and new beginnings, job changes, moves and a new baby joining our family later this year. While I do wish he was here, I know he's watching over us and finds ways to show me that often. I started working on a book and the process got sidelined during recovery and some big changes. I've started writing again and it feels so good. It heals me and I hope that when it's finished, it helps other do the same. <br />
<br />
There is a song by Danny Gokey (though it was written by Matthew West, who I also love) called "Tell Your Heart to Beat Again" and the message has been on my heart daily since right before New Years. This is my favorite part... "Let every heartbreak and every scar be a picture to remind you, who has carried you this far. 'Cause love sees farther than you ever could. In this moment Heaven's working everything for your good. Tell your heart to beat again, close your eyes and breathe it in. Let the shadows fall away, step into the light of grace. Yesterday's a closing door, you don't live there anymore. Say goodbye to where you've been and tell your heart to beat again." <br />
<br />
It beats loudly now. More than that, I have peace and it makes all the difference in the world.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwhHrKTgIJlAJUNx09w5gFuIlB6gbnAZgYywRg_nLHioaL8x8VS1Y3JLQGc6y-oTzZfXc9EB5oJN6U-K400uRhV1VthUkK5FapGSiIyapibG8beoBeucxdxfIaslUw8X8J0qj5FOA9yk4a/s1600/IMG_20160409_093430.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwhHrKTgIJlAJUNx09w5gFuIlB6gbnAZgYywRg_nLHioaL8x8VS1Y3JLQGc6y-oTzZfXc9EB5oJN6U-K400uRhV1VthUkK5FapGSiIyapibG8beoBeucxdxfIaslUw8X8J0qj5FOA9yk4a/s320/IMG_20160409_093430.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
xoxo<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />T. Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16353300385621379332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-156677989733773680.post-72065785246961991122016-01-11T13:01:00.000-06:002016-01-11T13:01:07.964-06:00Beauty in the breaking...Hello, world...<br />
<br />
This post was supposed to have been uploaded last week after I finished it but life happened...as usual!<br />
<br />
I don't know if anyone was happier to say farewell to 2015 than I was. Strangely enough, ending it was difficult.<br />
<br />
Let's back up to the week of Christmas. I was very thankful and happy to have my nephews for a few days at the beginning of the week for many reasons. That Wednesday when we were driving to our hometown, it was TORRENTIAL rain the entire way. Last year for Christmas, my dad gave my sister and I angels for our cars that say "Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly." I have actually kept mine in purse every single day since so that it is always with me. So, we had just crossed the Missouri/Illinois line and I told my oldest nephew that we needed to pray and ask God to get us home safely. About a minute later a semi merged into the lane next to me and all it said on the truck was BJT Express...my dad's initials. It took everything in me to not cry and lose it in front of the boys. I hadn't seen any real sign from my dad in more than six months and I needed it.<br />
<br />
I somehow got through Christmas but it was New Years Eve that broke me.
That morning something unexpectedly crappy happened and the first
thought I had was "Dad would fix this." Soon after the first breakdown, the perfect song for that day came on. "Sta<span class="text_exposed_show">ring
at a stop sign watching people drive by, T Mac on the radio. Got so
much on your mind, nothing's really going right, looking for a ray of
hope. Whatever it is you may be going through, I know He's not gonna let
it get the best of you. You're an overcomer. Stay in the fight ‘til the
final round. You're not going under, 'cause God is holding you right
now. You might be down for a moment, feeling like it's hopeless, that's
when He reminds You that you're an overcomer." </span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYyVTKNDJMDzIrmQ-UZeY0zTjArERmepZoDda_UoNacttR3LT1fxHK9J3O4ym68tWM5g2G7IMB7NLw4qnMlL-w73rCZUOd7Q7dqXd6r5w8AuJtvXfwZsNvslpeh1_NIXDeQBoPPw54QBFI/s1600/0b9769d04f91dd80d942aff6193e3be5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="262" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYyVTKNDJMDzIrmQ-UZeY0zTjArERmepZoDda_UoNacttR3LT1fxHK9J3O4ym68tWM5g2G7IMB7NLw4qnMlL-w73rCZUOd7Q7dqXd6r5w8AuJtvXfwZsNvslpeh1_NIXDeQBoPPw54QBFI/s320/0b9769d04f91dd80d942aff6193e3be5.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<span class="text_exposed_show">I spent that entire week listening to nothing but Praise and Worship music because I was just feeling like even though I know that I always come out on the other side, I had nothing left in my fight tank. The culmination of the entire last year and a half has been enough to nearly break me. The one song I kept hearing over and over is a song called The Unmaking by Nichole Nordeman. I've loved it since she released it but it's finally struck a chord with me. "</span>The longer and the tighter that we hold, only makes it harder to let go. But love will not stay locked inside a steeple or a tower high. Only when we're broken are we whole. What happens now, when all I've made is torn down? This is the unmaking. The beauty in the breaking. Had to lose myself to find out who You are. Before each beginning there must be an ending. Sitting in the rubble, I can see the stars. This is the unmaking."<br />
<br />
Someone
recently told me that I'm not an optimistic person. They were right,
I'm not. What about my life would ever make or allow me to be an
optimistic person? I've had more pain inflicted on my body in seventeen
years than most will ever experience in a lifetime. I've had more loss
and heartache than most people who I know. It's generally been one thing
after another for as long as I can remember. I am still standing though
in spite of every trial I have ever faced. I am a fighter. I am a
survivor. That is what I know. I fight because I have always known that there is a plan for all of it. I survive because I hold onto my faith and know
that this life would have killed me a long time ago had it not been for
grace that I don't deserve. I believe that there is purpose in pain,
whether it is physical or emotional and I've had ample supply of both.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGEPKcEzGBXcf60Oev7qwiNOW8N3iYPlGJQXwZOw4OgBAZOezInlDkjqA9nesaYFgESYwRbCm_8IF-YEIopOR1nJ3WlDcsBfmBhCr45IYR-o5w8UkaaZKCCAYSKeRR04ijpzlDOZ2H88L0/s1600/4e0dbb136ce5b9dc36a7bb2367607c6f.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGEPKcEzGBXcf60Oev7qwiNOW8N3iYPlGJQXwZOw4OgBAZOezInlDkjqA9nesaYFgESYwRbCm_8IF-YEIopOR1nJ3WlDcsBfmBhCr45IYR-o5w8UkaaZKCCAYSKeRR04ijpzlDOZ2H88L0/s320/4e0dbb136ce5b9dc36a7bb2367607c6f.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
xoxo<br />
<br />
<div style="background-color: white; border: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;">
</div>
<div style="background-color: white; border: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;">
</div>
<div style="background-color: white; border: medium none; color: black; overflow: hidden; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;">
</div>
T. Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16353300385621379332noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-156677989733773680.post-85426716304111042622015-12-09T15:12:00.001-06:002015-12-09T15:12:33.160-06:00Six monthsHello, world. It's been a while... a long while. It's December 9th and somehow I haven't had a post since September 30th. I've struggled for words. I've struggled to process. I've struggled to think clearly. I hate to beat a dead horse but it's been a really hard couple of months.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9pOxnk54f6ehOL7CJTRnMNJNObCS3X9GpaQNo77CfC-CF9agv2rwuTbIHd3U3VGjf8D1uYRX5jJ0PRyCQH3uNOBos8_yGtte1fesYY5anlUiFfDIy8zfqvzYCh51Efz707W013fk3SFWQ/s1600/53bb9acfa6e782b1c5dd8f100e28a7be.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9pOxnk54f6ehOL7CJTRnMNJNObCS3X9GpaQNo77CfC-CF9agv2rwuTbIHd3U3VGjf8D1uYRX5jJ0PRyCQH3uNOBos8_yGtte1fesYY5anlUiFfDIy8zfqvzYCh51Efz707W013fk3SFWQ/s320/53bb9acfa6e782b1c5dd8f100e28a7be.jpg" width="212" /></a></div>
<br />
I feel as though I no longer have any concept of time. Somehow it has
been six months or 183 days since since my dad left us, and 199 since I
last hugged him goodbye. How is it possible that so much time has passed
when most days it feels like I just got the worst phone call of my
life? It's supposed to get easier to deal with, not harder, yet because of my birthday and the holidays it's become so much harder.<br />
<br />
I feel like for an entire month now I've cried at least once a day, but most days it's been more often than that. I read once that the tears dry up long before the pain stops... well, mine don't appear to be drying up any time soon.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWCslZazIf1fs8vRCVS_nK2-GaA_CrGNuGX6Yx9XUv-5b0nbPR6W05LfBeHSGUoKWE6PKMfOyQBIH3kDZKUMTEVMbeUerldm10yANxY4xYhRRYKapPURNgcy8UQ3Wj2ZyyQkBv-d1SMi9o/s1600/f5e417e1bc4b415fae95cb30f308a266.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWCslZazIf1fs8vRCVS_nK2-GaA_CrGNuGX6Yx9XUv-5b0nbPR6W05LfBeHSGUoKWE6PKMfOyQBIH3kDZKUMTEVMbeUerldm10yANxY4xYhRRYKapPURNgcy8UQ3Wj2ZyyQkBv-d1SMi9o/s320/f5e417e1bc4b415fae95cb30f308a266.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
My story, the journey to health story, was published on a HUGE Primal website on October 2nd. I was beyond excited for about two minutes...and then I wanted to pick up the phone to call my mom and dad and then it hit me again... "Nope, you can't call him now or ever again because he's dead." The outpouring from people all over the world who replied to the story on the site, sent emails, facebook message or reached out through this blog was amazing. But not being able to share it with my dad took away from the excitement and I think I officially hit the depression stage of grief.<br />
<br />
What didn't help matters is that I didn't get to see any of my family for various reasons from Labor Day until Halloween weekend. Guess what isn't good on a single person who is grieving the loss of a parent 3-5 months after the fact... It made the struggle so much harder. When I finally was able to go to my hometown, we celebrated my 30th birthday a couple of weeks early. It was so great getting to spend time with my family but it was so sad without him there. Some things happened the weekend of my actual birthday that made it a truly awful weekend, not mention being horribly sick with my second respiratory infection over the course of six weeks.<br />
<br />
The week of Thanksgiving, the number of breakdowns I had were too many to count. I know I have so much in my life to be thankful and grateful for, and of course I am, but I didn't feel thankful for anything that week. I had people who have also been grieving various losses tell me that it's okay to not be okay, to not feel like celebrating anything, to not feel thankful. It's hard for me to not act cheery when I know I'm supposed to be that way but I simply didn't have it in me that week.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDfZqaAYXBI6GCDTAqneonSNjJSXcZx-5kGlhG7nALItK69sUqX-c5e_zLyDy-4RKk58rQ17OMogha8LA0BFbm_0deczesHOIW7f7ARq-mDplYOCeUt_VXRwVRdcYPzm_pSf9VSbg97BEv/s1600/ed9779bd2d9b6fc2e29d2082ab1e8662.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDfZqaAYXBI6GCDTAqneonSNjJSXcZx-5kGlhG7nALItK69sUqX-c5e_zLyDy-4RKk58rQ17OMogha8LA0BFbm_0deczesHOIW7f7ARq-mDplYOCeUt_VXRwVRdcYPzm_pSf9VSbg97BEv/s320/ed9779bd2d9b6fc2e29d2082ab1e8662.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
You have to be gentle with yourself. Nobody else knows how your loss personally affects you. For me and my past with depression, I'm sure that it's making it more difficult. If I hadn't worked so hard in the past few years to improve my health naturally, I would have started taking antidepressants and sleeping pills months ago. I refuse to do that for several reasons. I have been sleeping much better the past couple of months, but the dreams and nightmares I have often wake me up in tears. It would be easier but it would undo so much that I've done and my dad absolutely would not want that.<br />
<br />
Christmas. Once upon a time there was nothing that could put more joy in my heart than the entire Christmas season. The celebrations with friends and family, the joy on the faces of my nieces and nephews, the songs that filled the air, the laughter, the giving, the hope, the peace....Through other family deaths and personal losses, it's been something to just get through as of late. Six months and one day ago I was looking forward to Christmas because I was finally in a great place again and so looking forward to being happy once again during the season. I've tried. I've helped other loved ones decorate, I play Christmas songs for my little man at work all the time, I even put my tree up. I have since taken it down. It made me too sad to look at it. A friend told me all that matters is that I did try to do something I would normally do. I feel guilty for not having the joy and thanks that I know I should have because of everything and everyone that I do have in my life but those moments have been few and far between the last few weeks...and apparently that is normal and okay, too.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZ19lmP774BbYvaVEHu5dUlaatQFFP9ppq0aLQzuWs8cG1zlB9Bv2mjUk9hV9ruyDPavpTHFJ_VMXKRCORGBIzNHuveXJUcntuUedFR89ucZF6whO9VM5Nq8GXXd8d9PWJ3jgmuLBQeq80/s1600/8857798a1ebb5b40768c64df9c98130f.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="286" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZ19lmP774BbYvaVEHu5dUlaatQFFP9ppq0aLQzuWs8cG1zlB9Bv2mjUk9hV9ruyDPavpTHFJ_VMXKRCORGBIzNHuveXJUcntuUedFR89ucZF6whO9VM5Nq8GXXd8d9PWJ3jgmuLBQeq80/s320/8857798a1ebb5b40768c64df9c98130f.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
A few days ago I was looking through some photo albums on facebook and found a comment made dad had written on the album. "I'm there guys, you just can't see me. I love you all." I needed to see that so much. I get asked all the time if I've found any peace about his death yet or if I've had any good dreams about him yet. The answer is no, I haven't. And the closer it gets to Christmas, the more I seem to cry and just feel sad. I needed to see that comment from him. I know in ways he is here. He is here through old stories and jokes. He is here in the eyes and personality of my youngest nephew. He is here through things my sister says all the time and it sounds just like him. But I can't see him, I can't hug him, and there are things I prayed to share with him one day since I was eight years old that will never happen and I just don't know how to be okay with that yet.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAd5UO8VzS8FdapeROASFA8EfM68DHCWro3J8l2kLQjxmqCPtUnc38CxgLp-wzdiyaJ1x-DjlvYkRy3_Grh3WBVESlvxt9ck4Do0yOM7HSHLMjXRwFSgZAcLCtYrn1UVQM1kEnW94uum8t/s1600/9b4388a89b91ec1875ff1a2267374507.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAd5UO8VzS8FdapeROASFA8EfM68DHCWro3J8l2kLQjxmqCPtUnc38CxgLp-wzdiyaJ1x-DjlvYkRy3_Grh3WBVESlvxt9ck4Do0yOM7HSHLMjXRwFSgZAcLCtYrn1UVQM1kEnW94uum8t/s320/9b4388a89b91ec1875ff1a2267374507.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
I know that one day there with be joy again and that I will feel peace. To those of you dealing with loss during this season, know that anything you feel is in fact normal and you should win a prize daily just for waking up and going about your day...a big one! To those of you who are lucky enough to not have profound losses in your life that make you feel like less than your normal self, don't judge us...we're trying. If you see me or talk to me during the rest of this month, please don't ask me if I'm okay or if I'm feeling better. Know that I'm not but I'm trying. Pray for me, pray for my family. Love your family. Be thankful for them. Tell them how much you love them.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwgguOxRH4aVKARoD9CNc-0XzPhCE_N2Trdu3GXDLR-baDY7kQESIUd7iI26aIzPEVzKw4DGrxmhKjbksC8x-XiWK_qDGHceAvYfKLLItMjVDWLlb7smnG9iUGlvP4XDMCSYTmtgOssiKn/s1600/12219481_10153686702888774_1647168424436605778_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwgguOxRH4aVKARoD9CNc-0XzPhCE_N2Trdu3GXDLR-baDY7kQESIUd7iI26aIzPEVzKw4DGrxmhKjbksC8x-XiWK_qDGHceAvYfKLLItMjVDWLlb7smnG9iUGlvP4XDMCSYTmtgOssiKn/s320/12219481_10153686702888774_1647168424436605778_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />xoxoT. Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16353300385621379332noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-156677989733773680.post-40384192992621856762015-09-30T16:48:00.002-05:002015-09-30T16:50:02.620-05:00Keep on climbing...Hello, world...<br />
<br />
Somehow it's been nearly a month since my last post. This summer was without a doubt the hardest, most bizarre of my life. I wake up every day and for a while it seems as though life hasn't changed...and then it will sneak up on me at some point every day that it's all so very different.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFAZUuN2kVkL9dYsTW2fl4rPSpC2-OBsPARjYtkklWSOwACzLHGlKl1EvorX0L7xxSnuDUiOgkB7vQZNWDvL3rJjUU69g6L-Ye3p4KzmsA9y-thXVWFza-Fn5gou6nBda7LN6tIVsWeyXu/s1600/3a7fc0f7f02d623a2296b63d96e62fd9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="197" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFAZUuN2kVkL9dYsTW2fl4rPSpC2-OBsPARjYtkklWSOwACzLHGlKl1EvorX0L7xxSnuDUiOgkB7vQZNWDvL3rJjUU69g6L-Ye3p4KzmsA9y-thXVWFza-Fn5gou6nBda7LN6tIVsWeyXu/s320/3a7fc0f7f02d623a2296b63d96e62fd9.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Allow me to get corny for a moment and actually quote a teenage girl group. "Searching for a sign in the night, even like a lonely string of lights that'll burn just long enough for you to see it. The road's been long and lonely and you feel like giving up. There's more to this than just the breath you're breathing. So keep on climbing, though the ground might shake. Just keep on reaching though the limb might break. We've come this far, don't you be scared now cause you can learn to fly on the way down...You won't forget the heavy steps it took to let it go. Close your eyes, count to ten, hold your breath and fly." </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
About a month ago, I thought that I was ready to jump fully back into my life as it was before losing my dad. Not so much apparently. As I have every transition into fall for the past several years, I had a huge fibro flare up. Thankfully, it hasn't been as bad as the other years (Thanks, Zeal), but enough to stop me in my tracks off and on. Given the physical, emotional and mental exhaustion I've been under the last three and a half months, I'm honestly surprised it wasn't worse. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6Qni7F0XDU58oy2fn9JJaZWFECAqZm_ByJU04BKnkuS4O9ES4oB8YF7ZhB5rFZqsfuJfizpkUAHw5UYiLBaGKgXF-UHvi9Jfej3Q5VplUmmZO01_p_rPdiZgrqENcKC0QSpcx_hCHLvwD/s1600/17b786e51f61e48ad218391728c66ff8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="313" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6Qni7F0XDU58oy2fn9JJaZWFECAqZm_ByJU04BKnkuS4O9ES4oB8YF7ZhB5rFZqsfuJfizpkUAHw5UYiLBaGKgXF-UHvi9Jfej3Q5VplUmmZO01_p_rPdiZgrqENcKC0QSpcx_hCHLvwD/s320/17b786e51f61e48ad218391728c66ff8.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Sunday evening I decided to do my full workout routine.. biking, weights, yoga, chiro stretches, core training. I have no idea what possessed me to do so but it was the first time since right before losing my dad back in June that I did all of it. The crazy thing is that I was scared to do it. I was scared of how my body would handle it. I was scared I would hurt a lot afterwards. I was scared of locking in and doing too much. Each day since I have pushed myself like I was before sixteen weeks (how has it been that long?!) ago and it's taken so much more now to do it. Why? Because the first two months I barely slept, hardly ate and if I did I got sick more often than not. Though I didn't gain anything back this summer, I definitely lost a lot of physical strength. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
I got upset at myself last night at the gym. It's a well known fact that
I loathe Tuesdays now and yesterday was no different. Monday night I
did 13 miles on the bike (I was at 19 miles two days before my dad died)
and was proud of myself. Last night I was on the bike for 6 minutes
longer and did 4 miles less than the night before. And of course upon
telling my mother this, she said "but you went and you did it." My heart
definitely wasn't in it but right now I have to make myself do it
because I felt incredible 16.5 weeks ago...truly the best I had ever
felt as an adult. To make up for not doing as many miles, I did extra
yoga and lifting after I got home. I slept horribly last night, again,
nothing new for Tuesday but got right back at it this morning. I did
several miles this morning walking through Forest Park (and pushing a
stroller no less), up and down Art Hill multiple times and I felt really
good afterwards.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
It doesn't matter how many times you pause while fighting for something, the point is that you fight. You do it because no matter how hard it might be some days, the end result is worth it. My dad was so proud of me for how far I've come the last couple of years. I have to not only get back to where I was strength wise, but to push beyond that and continue on this journey of health and wellness without traditional medicine. From pushing myself this week again I've lost 3.5lbs already...and I didn't lose much more than that all summer, even with not eating much most of the time and the couple of months of being sick. How is that possible? Because as I've learned over the past two years now, it is not in my body's nature to just lose weight like a lot of people would. Most people would lose a lot if their bodies physically went through what mine did this summer. I was in survival mode, which meant just getting through the day more often than not so I wasn't super gung ho about eating strictly Paleo/Primal, or juicing very much. My Zeal Wellness was no doubt my saving grace in terms of nutrition. But this week I've given my body all of the foods (and juices) that heal me and make everything work like it should and that plus pushing myself physically is paying off. </div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyuvtA8woQ-sYzUfmW08kocM5gGwY5N13EDNQ6IB3wzFn1zG1Kzui-tvlKkcLAY62DpOI4-xnhw4iO_Q3i8FiZnmIvObpRlyDYpPkIwlBcQHM_ONGGR-9XWlKsHDbnW7ul-U1OCbZo0_QI/s1600/5e230029591648b14b487411e67175e5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="304" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyuvtA8woQ-sYzUfmW08kocM5gGwY5N13EDNQ6IB3wzFn1zG1Kzui-tvlKkcLAY62DpOI4-xnhw4iO_Q3i8FiZnmIvObpRlyDYpPkIwlBcQHM_ONGGR-9XWlKsHDbnW7ul-U1OCbZo0_QI/s320/5e230029591648b14b487411e67175e5.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
I've grieved loss many times before, but unlike all of the other times, there was truly so much loss with losing my dad. So many hopes and dreams that will never come true. And unlike the other times, I've been completely by myself through all of it and it's been the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. No matter what anyone says the will to fight through the bad days ultimately comes from within. Everything I've ever known about loss and grief before now pretty much went out the window.<br />
<br />
People have commented lately that they can't believe everything I've been through at not even 30 yet. Some days I can't either. But through all of it I've come to know myself better than most my age for sure. I know when to physically push myself and when not to. It's time now so that's what I'm doing. It might be really freaking hard some days but in the end it will be worth it.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiY0knW62bnh1Dp68LWOLdxP-sEIyjefm4ucHlTcPHevtJjarCc4-ECw9iAyv57EFOMt1RK18BvzsHav45aLCHIEDaHCZ_yKGD_s9R-24DTqiV6_Jc0ZLHxC0XchcvgPQawIDrxHWMWrqiZ/s1600/48542a09930cc42cc33b23085a8f91fc.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiY0knW62bnh1Dp68LWOLdxP-sEIyjefm4ucHlTcPHevtJjarCc4-ECw9iAyv57EFOMt1RK18BvzsHav45aLCHIEDaHCZ_yKGD_s9R-24DTqiV6_Jc0ZLHxC0XchcvgPQawIDrxHWMWrqiZ/s320/48542a09930cc42cc33b23085a8f91fc.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />T. Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16353300385621379332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-156677989733773680.post-73646038562757739412015-08-31T16:46:00.000-05:002015-08-31T16:46:02.685-05:00After a season of suffering...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
Hello, world...<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiN20VCoVF-a3ZPNSth5uo9lUN9IeCZfIihS0X98Uw4cfHAqe8nNIsq64t211qLQeOOz-eMKBvRvgQvybIHvpSHpMHpsGh9uDk8771adpuZaAhqE8TELuWOTS__lBgRJyl4nrZcGnNNuHpV/s1600/e5cb809701f8d2e6340c2c5d3eff887f.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiN20VCoVF-a3ZPNSth5uo9lUN9IeCZfIihS0X98Uw4cfHAqe8nNIsq64t211qLQeOOz-eMKBvRvgQvybIHvpSHpMHpsGh9uDk8771adpuZaAhqE8TELuWOTS__lBgRJyl4nrZcGnNNuHpV/s320/e5cb809701f8d2e6340c2c5d3eff887f.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
Lord knows I am no stranger to suffering, but I am also no stranger to an infinite amount of grace from God, from others and from myself. I am no stranger to restoration of mind, body or soul. The last nearly twelve weeks of my life has been the hardest season of suffering I've ever known...and that's saying something. In the last week, however, I feel as though my soul has been renewed and I can finally turn the page again.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj819Fv6rFxbQvtd2sN00SgjyOPyAug0M4ipALBb4JABxG5zs-PS8ntfmeWSfmIbEJb_PjWzbRoYDDurII5l3vRWSXNOA0XeUY64RidUVyVFs-Wx0Bcd4N7nu6kURfGS5xLtCliCf1HzBOI/s1600/7ca2fc1a52bc7a1673f01cd6adf1ae2f.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="226" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj819Fv6rFxbQvtd2sN00SgjyOPyAug0M4ipALBb4JABxG5zs-PS8ntfmeWSfmIbEJb_PjWzbRoYDDurII5l3vRWSXNOA0XeUY64RidUVyVFs-Wx0Bcd4N7nu6kURfGS5xLtCliCf1HzBOI/s320/7ca2fc1a52bc7a1673f01cd6adf1ae2f.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
I had a little chat with my chiropractor this morning about finally being ready to put my focus back on myself. He told me he was hoping I would tell him everything I did. I admire him both as a doctor and as a friend who has helped me physically, mentally and emotionally. I told him (and I quote) <span class="null">"And even though this is twice now in the last 2 1/2
years that I've been on this life changing journey that I've paused for
an extended period of time, I knew both times I would find my way back
because of the changes inside of me that had taken place." </span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUG44pYM4BhKC6Xj7hN6Kwf1Yohwg7RDHWxzMU2Adgtiaygv5saoeOR6jFvgQxc3mDdIPRGbTEgrM9MYSB_-LRUCJ7Le68ShUjGr_xmV2bhqqzenqwKLx3IixpCAYowCnH-2POUKyXWnpz/s1600/6b1f6f2c1014a5c8ab542999e86752fb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUG44pYM4BhKC6Xj7hN6Kwf1Yohwg7RDHWxzMU2Adgtiaygv5saoeOR6jFvgQxc3mDdIPRGbTEgrM9MYSB_-LRUCJ7Le68ShUjGr_xmV2bhqqzenqwKLx3IixpCAYowCnH-2POUKyXWnpz/s320/6b1f6f2c1014a5c8ab542999e86752fb.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<span class="null"><br /></span>
<span class="null">If you tuned into the blog last week, you saw the picture of that awesome dress I found! Somehow, seeing myself in that dress is what gave me the spark I had needed all summer. I turn 30 in 74 days...on a Friday the 13th no less and I've been dreading it. Ever since I lost my dad, I've dreaded my birthday because it's hard to fathom not sharing it with him. I've realized that I have to change my way of thinking and find a way to make it something positive. Said dress from last week fits now, but in 74 days I want it to look amazing. I haven't stepped foot into the gym since the day before my dad died and today is D-Day, so to speak. Right before we lost him I was in the gym nearly every day plus doing my yoga and chiro stretches at home every day. I was sleeping very well. I was eating exceptionally well and taking my Zeal every day. The only thing that has stuck since losing him is my Zeal and I know that is physically what has kept me going. I've continued to lose over the summer but nothing like I was before, not that I expected to. I set a goal to reach by my birthday when I surpass that goal, I will have something to focus on a celebrate rather than merely being sad that my dad isn't there with me. </span><br />
<span class="null"><br /></span>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigrHI9j001R-rJZqD_ou2dEnSfIyYQGgQnBLczVywWgk5eR8L_JaecrjHgEky6VTKAM8itTlY69jR-8he3gmivCZbbs2WYH9RsQkhCWFZhmLNsqxmEsPLKO69Z3Fq3uUxtg9JPgvPasrK-/s1600/4fea05a11976e45bb163a473b562a994.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigrHI9j001R-rJZqD_ou2dEnSfIyYQGgQnBLczVywWgk5eR8L_JaecrjHgEky6VTKAM8itTlY69jR-8he3gmivCZbbs2WYH9RsQkhCWFZhmLNsqxmEsPLKO69Z3Fq3uUxtg9JPgvPasrK-/s320/4fea05a11976e45bb163a473b562a994.jpg" width="265" /></a></div>
<span class="null"><br /></span>
<span class="null">I've been watching my country count on Blogger steadily go up since creating this blog (after saying goodbye to my old one). Today I hit 60...SIXTY countries. That continues to blow my mind. My blog has been read in nearly 1/4 of the countries in our little world. 111,683 views. I had multiple people reach out to me last week and thank me for talking about grief and not sugar coating what it's really like. Knowing that my story reaches others who are hurting helps me. I started changing my life two and a half years ago after refusing to be defined by pain and medication, by doctors who seemingly knew nothing or by past hurts that had damn near broken me. Today I've lost 150lbs, 7 dress sizes and a dozen medications. I've gained a sense of self that nobody can ever take away from me again. I've gained the ability to pick myself up, no matter how hurt I am. I've gained the strength to share my entire story in hopes of giving others the strength they need to make a change. I've lost a lot but I've gained so much more. </span><br />
<br />
<span class="null"><br /></span>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhERhp30zE-_i0pXpj6bfbtUqCD3ogSDdDeqWlxiYRhYYxu_PhCTYohs49by3Xy8ZjPRJg2hkT8C2oDKp1tqx1oqZ1Kd-UG0ebqZZqybpJZYnJ-ddoG90T_5gnlhj03VQY8S71r0cG1lfnK/s1600/83115change.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhERhp30zE-_i0pXpj6bfbtUqCD3ogSDdDeqWlxiYRhYYxu_PhCTYohs49by3Xy8ZjPRJg2hkT8C2oDKp1tqx1oqZ1Kd-UG0ebqZZqybpJZYnJ-ddoG90T_5gnlhj03VQY8S71r0cG1lfnK/s320/83115change.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
<span class="null"></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span class="null">xoxo</span><br />
T. Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16353300385621379332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-156677989733773680.post-29418002250032380612015-08-26T14:21:00.000-05:002015-08-26T14:21:00.842-05:00Crawl if you have to...Hello, world...<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPPlgaY2xYLGR4xCBf_mpmhlib-vCZGdvuVUFKIbY_5RjqYtPgOXTwNSDz1HsqN6IOyHOviWgETe4zQchyphenhyphenBm5BDEFglXARiBT3WfZGQh2Lss4aDDROEVzZ6AJBCLi_T_nUyUREKG-G2QUP/s1600/e8df9133e38b43054f48a02f3ca6775f.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="319" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPPlgaY2xYLGR4xCBf_mpmhlib-vCZGdvuVUFKIbY_5RjqYtPgOXTwNSDz1HsqN6IOyHOviWgETe4zQchyphenhyphenBm5BDEFglXARiBT3WfZGQh2Lss4aDDROEVzZ6AJBCLi_T_nUyUREKG-G2QUP/s320/e8df9133e38b43054f48a02f3ca6775f.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
Yesterday marked eleven weeks without my dad. It was the first Tuesday since
that awful day that I haven't cried. I still cry, Lord knows I do, but
it doesn't break me repeatedly every day any more. I miss him more than I
ever knew it was possible to miss another person but I'm getting
through it.<br />
<br />
One thing I miss is the unwavering support and encouragement my dad gave me every day. It's a well known fact that we often collided and got upset with each other, which happens with two very stubborn people. The last few years though we truly grew in our relationship with each other and saw one another in a different light. The last two years especially, he had vocally been my biggest cheerleader. Oh, how I've missed that. I've needed that encouragement so much. Insert the tears...they're never really all that far away.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbZt1wdL_ycUrkqTgU0Yf-fpk3JPCv5QDuANFz17WFqMU0apaVm74lJy0XWGt3SG-u3f3FQTwURZvPK66T7PXgYKIm2eoOarWgFKCj4j4vw4BtZFcjyKP2b98xMFkWGwqRdnTIhy_QzkLN/s1600/89e7c869cbe3f64003b1021c8cf5fcdc.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbZt1wdL_ycUrkqTgU0Yf-fpk3JPCv5QDuANFz17WFqMU0apaVm74lJy0XWGt3SG-u3f3FQTwURZvPK66T7PXgYKIm2eoOarWgFKCj4j4vw4BtZFcjyKP2b98xMFkWGwqRdnTIhy_QzkLN/s320/89e7c869cbe3f64003b1021c8cf5fcdc.jpg" width="207" /></a></div>
<br />
Last night something awesome happened and I know he would have been the first to say something about it. I sent a text to my DC bff/sister from another mother and she told me "He's smiling so big right now!" It made me sad and she said not to be sad because of how happy he would be for me. And it's true.<br />
<br />
For the last couple of weeks I've been working on building up my fall wardrobe as everything from last fall is just too big. I've been buying regular XL sweaters which truly blows my mind. I saw a dress hanging on a clearance rack (hello, 80% off, plus an additional 20% off AND I had a 15% off coupon...$9.28.) that all but screamed my name. I tried it on and couldn't believe the reflection in the mirror. I felt beautiful and happy for myself. My birthday is in two and a half months (30...eek!) and the goal is for this dress to make an appearance during the festivities and to look amazing on.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqC0f0QTsy4phawxDNASmY_QTljYsuOxoeqVy7bbu9gsHeobvuBfx5zjsHXFMavAAZtQpx1tey4Euuqb73_zPNWvy-GdSF9kAx4D-JzD9Jr54F7gG6qsAs0_oaeoEB2YKCVMPI2YjJs7Fh/s1600/IMG_20150825_190919.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqC0f0QTsy4phawxDNASmY_QTljYsuOxoeqVy7bbu9gsHeobvuBfx5zjsHXFMavAAZtQpx1tey4Euuqb73_zPNWvy-GdSF9kAx4D-JzD9Jr54F7gG6qsAs0_oaeoEB2YKCVMPI2YjJs7Fh/s320/IMG_20150825_190919.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
I've fought REALLY hard to go from a size 26/28 dress down to that XL. The last eleven weeks my body has been through absolute hell and torment. The first two weeks without my dad I was lucky if I got 2 hours of very broken sleep every night. If I felt like eating at all, easily 90% of anything I ate did not stay down. I had a continual migraine and hurt from head to toe. In the weeks since, my sleep, thank God, for the most part has improved quite a bit. Most nights I manage 5-6 hours, still broken though and often have pretty awful dreams, but I still get rest. Most days, however, I'm nauseous all throughout the day and it doesn't seem to matter what I eat or don't eat. It's not uncommon for roughly half of what I manage to eat to still not stay down. It's grief and it's awful...but it's normal, unfortunately. The headaches and migraines have been atrocious, though not surprising given the lack of sleep and nutrition. My saving grace in terms of nutrients every day is my Zeal...I have no doubt that is part of physically what keeps me going.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWdTW0aUx5BClnxxJqWK4D0jP22k2UFb94LcuYRwcutN5TCHflajpanqFO9HV56iynH-Xvq5Zv_pnDF4WtrmxYCEhEyhLTRApuW34XHg4nEVkHNSUyt_MhXxDvE2rxPinhf8qgnTBXfFjl/s1600/c3a40cd352697fe936b737c84db1c366.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWdTW0aUx5BClnxxJqWK4D0jP22k2UFb94LcuYRwcutN5TCHflajpanqFO9HV56iynH-Xvq5Zv_pnDF4WtrmxYCEhEyhLTRApuW34XHg4nEVkHNSUyt_MhXxDvE2rxPinhf8qgnTBXfFjl/s320/c3a40cd352697fe936b737c84db1c366.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
I've been in survival mode for the past eleven weeks and I hate "living" in survival mode. It's not living and as should know as that is what life was for me for roughly fifteen years. I don't want to merely survive and get through the days anymore. I know that grief doesn't magically just go away. With my birthday and the holiday season coming up, I know it's going to hit me harder than it has thus far probably but it isn't supposed to be easy.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOVlUmH9x5YzU2wbucQImYjIDpC1GfrZ5eEEMwACtthBn_0pFIMcRPWWMeIePF3LLPrYXsyYU1BkT-Vfvi04JS1lpeD3qaXtGqIXhx0TMIg-17fNs9Ue9MDfQShelPfWSo2a-9GfDUKWOL/s1600/Adversity-Quotes-76.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOVlUmH9x5YzU2wbucQImYjIDpC1GfrZ5eEEMwACtthBn_0pFIMcRPWWMeIePF3LLPrYXsyYU1BkT-Vfvi04JS1lpeD3qaXtGqIXhx0TMIg-17fNs9Ue9MDfQShelPfWSo2a-9GfDUKWOL/s320/Adversity-Quotes-76.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
I know how proud my dad was of me for all of the changes that have been taking place in my life. He told me on a nearly daily basis. I've been really gentle with myself. It's now been eleven weeks and three days since I last stepped foot into the gym and I had been going almost daily before that. I told myself that it physically wasn't safe for me to go and push myself because I wasn't sleep, wasn't eating and if I did eat I got sick. I've been doing yoga at home still a few times a week but it's not the same. I need to get back to where I was physically before June 9th and run with it. I know he would want me to. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKNl8y5X26MNotpDx-CZR8KdWwp2KKBJTy2GMB7yarpTaJzZp04DtEr9zUE8uFqlcBeVSTBT4zQ1z0yzovExR1eMzQsbQzcaWhysxlXEMYaKzNyLtrybbkJI5QgB6hZPwi5poFrYbvLkkE/s1600/2ba290fc464021d2c7c6c84bdcec711f.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="292" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKNl8y5X26MNotpDx-CZR8KdWwp2KKBJTy2GMB7yarpTaJzZp04DtEr9zUE8uFqlcBeVSTBT4zQ1z0yzovExR1eMzQsbQzcaWhysxlXEMYaKzNyLtrybbkJI5QgB6hZPwi5poFrYbvLkkE/s320/2ba290fc464021d2c7c6c84bdcec711f.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOVlUmH9x5YzU2wbucQImYjIDpC1GfrZ5eEEMwACtthBn_0pFIMcRPWWMeIePF3LLPrYXsyYU1BkT-Vfvi04JS1lpeD3qaXtGqIXhx0TMIg-17fNs9Ue9MDfQShelPfWSo2a-9GfDUKWOL/s1600/Adversity-Quotes-76.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></a></div>
One thing we tend to forget when we're in the depths of a storm is that life does in fact go on...it has to. There are always going to be waves that will crash into us, knock us down, beat us up and attempt to drag us out to sea. When you get swept out, you have to find a way to get back on land and stand on your feet again. Some days in the last eleven weeks it's felt like all I could do is crawl out of and into bed. I've made eight trips to Marion in the last eleven weeks, been out of town for work, had overnights and spent a total of 6 nights in my own bed over the course of four and a half weeks. I've been completely and utterly exhausted this summer...mentally...emotionally...physically. Schedule wise, life is finally starting to get back to normal so I need to as well. Even if I have to crawl into and out of the gym to get back into it and be where I was, it's what I have to do. I refuse to give up on the plans I've had for myself.<br />
<br />
I also sent in my application yesterday to be one of the 2016 faces for a plus size company...wish me luck! It's something I've thought about doing for a VERY long time and have been told time and time again that I should do. I picked up my mail and had something from them that informed me the deadline was today. Even if I don't get picked, I'm glad I finally tried.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-ShRStSVfWIQMpUxJ2cVCdb-v_2QgPibeO-n5hY8oZyy8YJMApN-3jsKuiDxE51wi-WFf2m0kd8WRpD1rEbBP_Ca67O6xL_UrpaeN06UUgwOHpZVv0G_C_P0hBeYDp60MU2O0H9Zh__d_/s1600/82515.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-ShRStSVfWIQMpUxJ2cVCdb-v_2QgPibeO-n5hY8oZyy8YJMApN-3jsKuiDxE51wi-WFf2m0kd8WRpD1rEbBP_Ca67O6xL_UrpaeN06UUgwOHpZVv0G_C_P0hBeYDp60MU2O0H9Zh__d_/s320/82515.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOrcvA4OAOVxzZgULQftDjxTJ62TocmQcdpDT3Swi62s8Fmce8wpT7MyYxiDBqEobKwiuAYGTyP31Vh2JYVGK5tIJK8oYzRafeJLrc-lqDPL-Enz75_PJQMU-FMnqLmnLIh_ExDdvN9NVs/s1600/82515.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
xoxoT. Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16353300385621379332noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-156677989733773680.post-70753925509135733232015-08-04T14:20:00.000-05:002015-08-04T14:20:03.328-05:00Baby steps...Hello, world...<br />
<br />
Eight weeks. I don't know how it is that time keeps marching on. Some days feel like they last for months. Some days it feels like nothing at all has changed. Other days I'm reminded just how much my entire world has changed and will never be the same and in this case, that isn't a good thing.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhc74hdbwJ95RW7kPOt6yAV2TJJvcyc5v1Ec3ZhQwvIfrhzFN310Qld6UnXVgk77aHZYr_OFMxpcn7kdg4h4hMZfVZM2G4wwJr-_rp66bkLv-asOI1YfFrbOT26c9G17i06u68hNgvJuLr_/s1600/9efa20e0b482f5eac09208dbd1ac5cbf.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhc74hdbwJ95RW7kPOt6yAV2TJJvcyc5v1Ec3ZhQwvIfrhzFN310Qld6UnXVgk77aHZYr_OFMxpcn7kdg4h4hMZfVZM2G4wwJr-_rp66bkLv-asOI1YfFrbOT26c9G17i06u68hNgvJuLr_/s320/9efa20e0b482f5eac09208dbd1ac5cbf.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
I came across something the other day while reading and it really struck me.<br />
<i>I am a griever. That doesn't mean I have a disease. It means that I miss and love someone who has died. Let me grieve at my own pace. My reality is forever changed. Do not judge me nor feel it is your obligation to tell me to "move on" or "get over it." Getting over it is not an option. With time, I will do my best to move forward with one step in front of the other. They might be baby steps, but it's better than none at all. When I need you...just be there.</i><br />
<br />
I am constantly amazed by the number of people who try to tell me how I should be feeling right now. People who still have both parents. People who are married, have kids, grand-kids in some instances, try to tell me that I need to essentially just suck it up because he would want me to. That's not only unfair, it's not fully accurate. My dad was the biggest cry-baby I have ever known...it's where I get it from. Not only that, but my grandma Tressie (yes, I was named after her) passed away before I was even born. My dad lived the last 34 years of his life without her and I heard about how sad he was, how much he missed her, etc, for my entire life. Most people in my family on both sides lived to be 80-90, so based on that we'll assume that I have another 50-60 years of life without my dad. You can't begin to understand what this feels like unless you've lot your dad....and really you can't understand unless you are a woman, unmarried, in your 20's still and have no kids. It's a completely different reality than losing your father when you are already married and have kids. I also can't imagine what it's like for a son to lose his father. But I don't pretend to know what it's like or interject my thoughts on how someone should deal with it or not.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhi4To-J_dsPNaHwxEd_SyINLE3ei5TpP4091twbvkjRzscpoIufatfDMBq5uEc6Ohzjelp54fJYQC46Qa31kGqlBT87Yyz9QzWV81Xkvw939vUn2bely8JuTpUAzxOhb3NN-sJsh8WSjVM/s1600/ef7b218b3755adbb81b065498c5cf2fa.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhi4To-J_dsPNaHwxEd_SyINLE3ei5TpP4091twbvkjRzscpoIufatfDMBq5uEc6Ohzjelp54fJYQC46Qa31kGqlBT87Yyz9QzWV81Xkvw939vUn2bely8JuTpUAzxOhb3NN-sJsh8WSjVM/s320/ef7b218b3755adbb81b065498c5cf2fa.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
Last week I finally ventured back to Baseball Heaven for the first time since we lost my dad. I was genuinely really excited to go. I met up with an old friend at a pub beforehand to grab something to eat and I should have known when I was about half a block away that the night wasn't going to go in my favor. Why? Because three years ago I looked at a wedding venue with my ex and my mother and it's the place that (even post breakup, obviously) I still imagined my dad eventually walking me down the aisle one day. It hit me all over again that he will never do that. It sucked. During most of the game, I thought of all of the baseball conversations we shared and the memories from the stadium that we shared...as soon as I got into my car afterwards, I lost it. I cried for a while. I was awake and very sick to my stomach for hours after that.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEje6P6UmR3_-HiH4osOyjASVgY7n7hYcQQomuh6hH9XmqjMpQNPjGq6k6ZjhZx0gnamu0LocrzhgmBEkfxnN3Wf39355xUXmDXKEussf0x4fdtg0vI7XJJASNURok_1vcuEj763E05jVW9a/s1600/29ca0cec8c8ec2b356233e635ba68675.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEje6P6UmR3_-HiH4osOyjASVgY7n7hYcQQomuh6hH9XmqjMpQNPjGq6k6ZjhZx0gnamu0LocrzhgmBEkfxnN3Wf39355xUXmDXKEussf0x4fdtg0vI7XJJASNURok_1vcuEj763E05jVW9a/s320/29ca0cec8c8ec2b356233e635ba68675.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
I can truly be completely fine one minute and then the next I see something, hear something, smell something, remember something and I just yearn for my dad. This happens a lot when I go to my hometown. I was there the last full weekend of July and needed to feel my dad's presence. I drove down to our old marina at the lake and just hung out on the docks for a little while. I felt him there and my heart was flooded with memories of being on the water with him. A hot summer breeze blew over the water and I got a whiff of fish and that was all I needed. I left and drove down to the cemetery and that was gut wrenching. I remember very little from the last time I was there because I was so out of it the week we lost him. After that I needed to be with someone who reminded me of my dad, who has the same corny sense of humor that he had. I went to his younger brother's house to visit for a while. Remarkably, at the cemetery was the only time that trip home that I cried.<br />
<br />
My mother is moving up here for sure and I'm glad she is. However, I am dreading the process of helping to sort and pack. I hate how many of my dad's things I will never see again because we have no use for them. I know how awful it was for me when my parents packed up to move from Illinois to Florida. I cried and cried. It's totally different now and I can't imagine it would be better. How do you pack up, give away or throw away things that belonged to a parent? You can't keep everything (especially when you live in a one bedroom apartment and have absolutely no use for most of it), but you hate to see someone else have it. I can't imagine there never being a garage full of fishing stuff ever again. I can't imagine not seeing all of his tools. I've already brought some things back to St. Louis with me and there are others that my mom will hold onto and I will get eventually. With my mom moving here, even though I still have a lot of family in and around my hometown, it feels like part of me has to say goodbye...like it's no longer going to be "home." That breaks my heart.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHu_nVSkCIOeCvbXXx7hfKoNpZtD53oHq5V4NQHCG48m7ErlEUqIsIc_AnW2tMffX_dlBaz6hMe2ZqLMaoF6v_j_SjC6EQsKZ58YVqBPegcDWQ8cJbHC2zucNonj1R1vI_ncShKaa-lQyW/s1600/2bc5ade098c0bfc2682b9ea5c1ad57bd.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="313" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHu_nVSkCIOeCvbXXx7hfKoNpZtD53oHq5V4NQHCG48m7ErlEUqIsIc_AnW2tMffX_dlBaz6hMe2ZqLMaoF6v_j_SjC6EQsKZ58YVqBPegcDWQ8cJbHC2zucNonj1R1vI_ncShKaa-lQyW/s320/2bc5ade098c0bfc2682b9ea5c1ad57bd.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
I've also learned over these last eight weeks just how important it is to be kind and gentle with yourself, and not in the normal ways even. For several weeks I beat myself up about the fact I've yet to get back into the gym. Perhaps some people it does help them feel better to physically work it out. For me, it takes everything in me most days to chase a toddler all over creation at work. Throw in the fact that I go through huge of waves of not sleeping or eating and it would actually be really bad for me to go to the gym in that state. I've never been one to let myself just do nothing...I've had days/nights where that's all I crave and you have to let yourself do that because your body, your heart, your mind and your soul need time to just be and not have to fight to make it through the rough days. On the good days, I go out with friends and enjoy normalcy. I think that the biggest thing I've learned is how alone you feel because most of the people in your life (I've now learned from experience) have no idea what to say or not say to you so instead they say nothing. Eventually, you will reach out because you want your people and they'll say something like "Oh, I think about you every day", and you'll think something like "I'm so glad you think of me daily but never reach out, because that helps me...not." And if you're like me, you'll later feel bad for even having such thoughts. Don't hold things against your friends who truly have no idea what you're going through and thus don't know how to approach you. Don't beat yourself up for thoughts that you have because anger is one of the big parts of grief, unfortunately. <br />
<br />
When you're grieving, all you can really do is live day to day, and
sometimes its more like minute by minute. Nothing truly makes you feel
better. Words or people can offer comfort, but I've learned how fleeting
comfort really can be. Some days you're going to feel everything and
it's going to hurt like hell. Some days you'll laugh and feel normal.
Some days you will feel numb to literally everything and everyone around
you. But that is in fact normal no matter how strange it feels. And if
you want to heal, you have no choice but to let all of it come and at
times consume you. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzQqLI5WKLvvixgA6ubKWcOMiin2O6kgb0-tDP1ko2WWLPNQD77QRwH3XcFEMFjRxxSkdm6su89Ycokv4D6v-lDZTivvHVxGuG3r6uunJ7YO_fcC6jpVltDLhU4bO5DsmjpHxM2WW7FdDf/s1600/b233be77e346521194cdf0f86f142196.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzQqLI5WKLvvixgA6ubKWcOMiin2O6kgb0-tDP1ko2WWLPNQD77QRwH3XcFEMFjRxxSkdm6su89Ycokv4D6v-lDZTivvHVxGuG3r6uunJ7YO_fcC6jpVltDLhU4bO5DsmjpHxM2WW7FdDf/s320/b233be77e346521194cdf0f86f142196.jpg" width="233" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
xoxo <br />
<br />
<i> </i><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<i> </i>T. Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16353300385621379332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-156677989733773680.post-37620573484770130282015-07-21T15:31:00.000-05:002016-01-05T16:00:51.171-06:00It doesn't go away...Hello, world...<br />
<br />
Six weeks. Six weeks today since my dad died. That still sounds so bizarre to say. My dad died. He's dead. What?! What's more bizarre than saying it, is hearing someone else tell me they are sorry that my dad is dead. It's like sometimes I don't realize I'm being talked to because it often seems unreal still.<br />
<br />
Last week was a terrible week. The two weeks before were nothing in comparison to the last one. I actually put my bluetooth in on my way to work one morning and picked up the phone and hit my dad's speed dial. I lost it when I realized what I was doing. <br />
<div class="verse">
<br /></div>
<div class="verse">
Driving home from work one night an oldish (from the 90's) song came on called <i>Holes In The Floor Of Heaven</i>...I listened to it for probably a minute before I realized what I was hearing and I started to cry uncontrollably. I changed the station and another oldish song was playing. A song that was always on my list of potential songs I would dance to with my dad at my wedding some day. <i>"You're beautiful baby from the outside in. Chase your dreams but always know the road that'll lead you home again. Go on, take on this whole world but to me you know you'll always be, my little girl...Someday, some boy will come and ask me for your hand. But I won't say yes to him unless I know he's the half that makes you whole. He has a poet's soul, and the heart of a man's man. I know he'll say that he's in love but between you and me he won't be good enough." </i>That was enough to nearly kill me. I instantly started gasping for air, had to pull of the road and ugly cry it out for a little while until I could drive again. My dad is dead. He will never give a man permission to marry me. He will never walk me down the aisle. He will never dance with me at my wedding. How is that actually reality now? </div>
<div class="verse">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_iQ3KjzXuLworU4SnrVjWIreT17wYUzrrNfYiuUqFKLAT0gw0E_fxNtQdf1aOv_oTVy2hdVIIztc2ajGMDKcP-tRyBHjhcHSsEX91L5fp_HDYLh5a7rB2fXIL2j1CBM7X4MO8d1rx8wI_/s1600/ed2370bd07853b147a527bf4c7bfc0dd.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_iQ3KjzXuLworU4SnrVjWIreT17wYUzrrNfYiuUqFKLAT0gw0E_fxNtQdf1aOv_oTVy2hdVIIztc2ajGMDKcP-tRyBHjhcHSsEX91L5fp_HDYLh5a7rB2fXIL2j1CBM7X4MO8d1rx8wI_/s320/ed2370bd07853b147a527bf4c7bfc0dd.jpg" width="289" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="verse">
</div>
<div class="verse">
My mom was up here this weekend looking at condos. Why was she up here looking at condos? Because my dad is dead. As much as I want her to be up here with me, it's unfreakingbelievable that she is considering moving here because he is gone. </div>
<div class="verse">
<br /></div>
<div class="verse">
Today is my mom's birthday. I was on the phone with her after work last night. I told her "Well, tomorrow is Tuesday and I hate Tuesdays now...but it's your birthday." She said we couldn't be sad tomorrow (today) because it's her birthday and had she never been born, I wouldn't have been either. My response? "Yeah but then I wouldn't be 29 with a dead dad either." What the hell is wrong with me?!?! Who actually says that? </div>
<div class="verse">
<br /></div>
<div class="verse">
I read in a book last week that generally after three months your grief intensifies, not to mention birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, etc... Great. I'm glad I have that to look forward to. </div>
<div class="verse">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjG6vPz0BznFfbUCRLmD-fiT75AKCK921sfIILcJhByDE2o4AkmwmclmWUChJff51o_Kt0r7pWSX1c5i8t5GSzSF0iU0I5YD1EFmmNPtmGRSNEgduwxl2_FKXZnYtZCHJyKyiKn5vzzvcN_/s1600/9efa20e0b482f5eac09208dbd1ac5cbf.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjG6vPz0BznFfbUCRLmD-fiT75AKCK921sfIILcJhByDE2o4AkmwmclmWUChJff51o_Kt0r7pWSX1c5i8t5GSzSF0iU0I5YD1EFmmNPtmGRSNEgduwxl2_FKXZnYtZCHJyKyiKn5vzzvcN_/s320/9efa20e0b482f5eac09208dbd1ac5cbf.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="verse">
<br /></div>
<div class="verse">
What really throws me is how much I love everything else in my life. How happy I am with everything else in my life. Yet I have this unbelievable shock and sadness in my heart that sometimes just absolutely stops me in my tracks. Sometimes it physically hurts. I'm still not sleeping very well. I still have days at a time where I can't keep anything down or days where I have no appetite period. There are days where it's all I can do to simply get through the day and just get home to my bed so I can shut the rest of the world out and not have to be a functioning human. Yet then there are times I have a lot of fun with my friends and family, enjoy my time with my little monkey at work, enjoy cooking and baking, making plans for the future. </div>
<div class="verse">
<br /></div>
<div class="verse">
Grief is the most unnerving and ugly thing I've ever encountered. There is no easy way to get through it. You can't bypass it. You can't sleep it away. You can't avoid it. There is nothing anyone can ever say to you that legitimately makes you feel better. I've had more migraines in the last six week than in the past year combined. Sometimes I can feel the pain in my chest. Sometimes I want and need to cry and the tears never come. Other times they hit me hard and fall out of my eyes like water coming out of a faucet with no end in sight. </div>
<div class="verse">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2g-4fagSnltNoap4s_pyC-O8-PrexNBLiAfBHodmrJP0UmMvmOa-ngYqJvcP7qxkPqMPxyxVJCT6GrjElMVyyJVZaiL6LZ210n4wL21lrOvcg6PPu91wxMMqiWmOHrkGHrPwnzUkbYlD_/s1600/779997c5df0ae7a30a17f6093b028233.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="230" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2g-4fagSnltNoap4s_pyC-O8-PrexNBLiAfBHodmrJP0UmMvmOa-ngYqJvcP7qxkPqMPxyxVJCT6GrjElMVyyJVZaiL6LZ210n4wL21lrOvcg6PPu91wxMMqiWmOHrkGHrPwnzUkbYlD_/s320/779997c5df0ae7a30a17f6093b028233.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="verse">
<br /></div>
<div class="verse">
I read something a few weeks ago that struck me. "The day you died the musical score of my life was forever changed. A sad undertone was added. Some days it is very loud. Some days it is very soft. But it is always there. I am thankful for the days when I can hear the joyful melody of life. I will listen to your song forever in my heart."</div>
<div class="verse">
<br /></div>
<div class="verse">
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss my dad. Some days it breaks me...some days I am seemingly fine, normal even. </div>
<div class="verse">
<br /></div>
<div class="verse">
xoxo</div>
T. Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16353300385621379332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-156677989733773680.post-13081708342873312752015-07-10T16:13:00.002-05:002016-01-05T15:59:48.863-06:00The G word...Hello, world....<br />
<br />
Grief.<br />
<br />
What is it? The ugliest thing a human being can ever go through. I thought I knew grief before. I thought I would never feel more heartache and sadness than I felt last spring. I thought wrong.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6EcIfHclQvhahLy6-tH-aYncQpJQvpQJcz48lSvIdaLgpf4xHOlSWffJQeGLzJxNnwVcOKcip9SPNhNjXinuwkaQZW7YSPLlDxjjyB0-IrlPlwJSEUczu9nNhUAGheBOYjmZxOevUdsCM/s1600/5555674_orig.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6EcIfHclQvhahLy6-tH-aYncQpJQvpQJcz48lSvIdaLgpf4xHOlSWffJQeGLzJxNnwVcOKcip9SPNhNjXinuwkaQZW7YSPLlDxjjyB0-IrlPlwJSEUczu9nNhUAGheBOYjmZxOevUdsCM/s400/5555674_orig.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
In the 31 days now since my dad passed away I've been pushed into denial, dread, depression, rage, pain, woe, regret, bitterness, anxiety, confusion, panic, dismay, apathy, sorrow, anguish, disappointment, emptiness, resentment, fear, yearning, envy, jealousy, helplessness, loneliness, betrayal, sadness, rejection, relief (what?!) hurt and distrust. That is essentially everything tangled together in that ball. Have you any idea how completely and utterly exhausting it is to experience all of those things over the course of 31 days?! It's maddening, especially when all of those feelings are so far outside of your norm. That's not to say that I feel those things 24/7 because I don't, thank God, but several of them I cycle through on a daily basis.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWYBqHMn00jImnkRdj05AIOd8gx_SdYjjQ1NRLiij_tjZ44gIxhhmJGbhcrGlbdtxIVzdi93yf4p6ybMhsdRfgUlAx8gBG3wPN8DewMI6DM3CJK4GSz8OGAYfGz66l9xOquyiL7LPZIUrf/s1600/2a9261ad634082d372b90e8021806f8a.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWYBqHMn00jImnkRdj05AIOd8gx_SdYjjQ1NRLiij_tjZ44gIxhhmJGbhcrGlbdtxIVzdi93yf4p6ybMhsdRfgUlAx8gBG3wPN8DewMI6DM3CJK4GSz8OGAYfGz66l9xOquyiL7LPZIUrf/s320/2a9261ad634082d372b90e8021806f8a.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
I'll say it again, grief is ugly. It's nasty. It doesn't care who you are. It hits you harder than anything you can comprehend. You can choose to let it take you over and work through it, or you can ignore it and hope it goes away. The thing about grief is that you can only keep it at bay for so long. The longer you ignore it, the harder it becomes to deal with. Grief shows you who you really are, what and who matters most in your life, which as you're going through it can feel like both a blessing and curse.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
In his Book <i>Don't Take My Grief Away, </i>Doug Manning described grief as feeling like this:<br />
"Right now your chest hurts--the numbness has worn off and real pain has replaced it. You wonder if you will ever be well again. A thousand questions flood your mind. A thousand hurts pop up every day. Every day you find a new thing to cause memories and bring tears. You find it hard to sleep. The awful loneliness seems to be there every moment of every day. The finality of death leaves a hollow feeling all over your body. Loneliness comes in only one size-- Extra Large. "<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTgjpJcrOLL_wnjcEdBM-Gn4utI3zjvuuONAwJtaT8nvtCZLRBa5vmY5eShbYPSJy8jDz7c_ZcH96M2R_sDdYU13HBv_4LyaIxWlyjVMfh2CX4noU-mrY3jV_oh4eTvlEvxxCzzvDiMm8Y/s1600/a71449d809841e20c85feb43052a4216.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="219" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTgjpJcrOLL_wnjcEdBM-Gn4utI3zjvuuONAwJtaT8nvtCZLRBa5vmY5eShbYPSJy8jDz7c_ZcH96M2R_sDdYU13HBv_4LyaIxWlyjVMfh2CX4noU-mrY3jV_oh4eTvlEvxxCzzvDiMm8Y/s320/a71449d809841e20c85feb43052a4216.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
I would add to that that it's a feeling like your world is spinning out of control. No matter how much I know or believe about death and eternal life in Heaven through my beliefs in Christ, right now, it doesn't help my pain or sadness. It doesn't stop the sometimes all consuming pain that rushes through my entire being. It doesn't stop the nausea that I battle all day long and have for 31 days now. It doesn't help me sleep any better at night. Regardless of the fact that I know I will see my daddy again someday, the fact is that I will likely live another 50-60 years without him. That devastates me. It sickens me. It angers me.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
When my dad died, dreams I've had since I was a little girl died, too. I read something earlier this week that talked about grieving for all that is lost, which includes the future. I've had multiple people comment to me that I need to not focus on those dreams, implying that dreams and plans fail anyways. When I was 8 and thought my dad would die any day, I suppose I started having anticipatory grief then. He wasn't supposed to live another 21 years like he did. I spent 21 years thinking he would die every single time he got sick, with every single heart attack or bad test result. My biggest dreams have always been that I would be a wife and mother someday, a wife like my grandmother was, and a mother like my own. Within those dreams were ones that my daddy would walk me down the aisle to my husband, that he would hold my babies and watch them grow for as long as he could. Those dreams died with him. I will never have that.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhi4oShE5gWr4VF2W4j_HErWP_5fmLEezAiaLFgNDOYxku-1Ol0GkCDHew7iT2vKrSa8eExIK1pRFK0AeS0hlJH9K-bzDvbPTBJdhsJNwFS27c3o7TPX3In5Jr1JdvWFRQK1OSsceEhIrxY/s1600/13472634b7b9d215eacda86e643f63ab.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhi4oShE5gWr4VF2W4j_HErWP_5fmLEezAiaLFgNDOYxku-1Ol0GkCDHew7iT2vKrSa8eExIK1pRFK0AeS0hlJH9K-bzDvbPTBJdhsJNwFS27c3o7TPX3In5Jr1JdvWFRQK1OSsceEhIrxY/s320/13472634b7b9d215eacda86e643f63ab.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
Jealousy, envy, anger, resentment, disappointment and sadness have all hit me hard because of that. I love my sister more than I could ever express but I'm jealous that she has those memories to hold onto for the rest of her life and I'll never have them. I resent and feel anger towards people who insist that my dad will still be there with me for those events, especially if they are already married and/or have children. And then I feel bad for feeling that way but I can't help it. It feels like a slap in the face for people who still have their fathers and got to experience those things with them (or even for those who have lost their fathers later in their lives and experienced those things) to say that to me. I want to yell at all of them "Tell me how you would feel if the roles were reversed!!" Of course, I don't. I grieve for the things in the future I so badly wanted to share with my daddy and telling me he will be there in spirit does not help me. <br />
<br />
I've seen lists of things you shouldn't say to someone who is grieving and most of them are spot on. I am so tired of being asked "How are you?" Earlier this week I had an exchange with someone who I hadn't spoken with since four days after my dad died. I was asked "Well, are you feeling better?" Immediately I felt enraged. I actually said, "You mean am I feeling better about the fact that my dad is dead than I
did the last time we spoke, four days after he died? No. I don't feel
better."What I've come to learn is that people who have never lost a parent think there is a timetable for grief, that you should feel better within x amount of days. Just because I'm not curled up in a ball, in my bed all day every day crying doesn't mean that I'm not absolutely heartbroken. I go to work every day. I laugh and I smile often through the day (thanks, H). I go out with friends a couple of times a week now. I manage, but a part of me is broken. That doesn't mean that I want or need to be fixed either.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiot_Yo6aYXpkQ0BYIpmjnJtUi3wEcHhmETJmA5LlYi2JspaVCMpISZsK_ES7zEQrMhgiKIWlEbscjFU6f2ZRa8rZcCNuoltkA0BRlJAKTyAodpaRG92JAI514YObDDU8TSOajsKSKYYqE9/s1600/286aeedc3aab2d2616652f55b7e0e846.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiot_Yo6aYXpkQ0BYIpmjnJtUi3wEcHhmETJmA5LlYi2JspaVCMpISZsK_ES7zEQrMhgiKIWlEbscjFU6f2ZRa8rZcCNuoltkA0BRlJAKTyAodpaRG92JAI514YObDDU8TSOajsKSKYYqE9/s320/286aeedc3aab2d2616652f55b7e0e846.jpg" width="293" /></a></div>
<br />
I've been told by several people that I should be stronger for this reason or that reason. I've been told that crying won't help. I've been told too many times to count "I understand", again by people who have not lost a parent, which means they do not understand, in fact, they cannot even come close to understanding.<br />
<br />
I generally don't know how to tell people to stop asking me seemingly stupid questions right now. I don't know how to tell people that I would rather them not try to make me feel better because inevitably, more often than not it makes me feel worse. I get that people don't like to see other people sad or hurting, and that it often makes them feel inadequate. However, there is no magic word or phrase that anyone can throw at me to make me feel better. What makes me feel better is simply talking to me and letting me cry if that's what I need at that moment. Talking about things that don't relate to losing my dad at all, doing something fun even just for a little while to distract me helps.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNdGNCWIgXMp3AqGOljCgiiQW06yIjaD4_VuqBpn9ovRXPrQFao3U4fiYBmoThWu-W63WFa-CBMZq-6rhOEek0u0wqpmnlW8TQl_uRiHg8VmFFFxOr1ezfkMGczx8QiX4F-fwBFx5IHFf5/s1600/5fa49b7fa403960a9227c555cd15b7cd.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNdGNCWIgXMp3AqGOljCgiiQW06yIjaD4_VuqBpn9ovRXPrQFao3U4fiYBmoThWu-W63WFa-CBMZq-6rhOEek0u0wqpmnlW8TQl_uRiHg8VmFFFxOr1ezfkMGczx8QiX4F-fwBFx5IHFf5/s320/5fa49b7fa403960a9227c555cd15b7cd.jpg" width="309" /></a></div>
In her book, <i>On Grief and Grieving</i>, Elisabeth Kubler Ross says "The reality is you will grieve forever. You will not "get over" the loss of your loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same again. Nor should you be the same, nor should you want to be the same." Life doesn't stop just because my dad is gone. Day to day, my life looks pretty much the same as it did the day before he died. Inside of me though everything has seemingly changed.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIVKyNVzdZ_xCrFZNl_Ec2BwlAC6QlkXm-z8hyphenhyphenScFLgJ9XxiiPvZBySxlNc3_hIDbW5861OCJ8CXwQm2ciBh34rxGIYs15JSii-V8QZ05odFj5BDAcOWUKJ188-EPDTTkAWoxtVwqWuD8y/s1600/32352db287e15adedd73fe1bbeff8e84.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIVKyNVzdZ_xCrFZNl_Ec2BwlAC6QlkXm-z8hyphenhyphenScFLgJ9XxiiPvZBySxlNc3_hIDbW5861OCJ8CXwQm2ciBh34rxGIYs15JSii-V8QZ05odFj5BDAcOWUKJ188-EPDTTkAWoxtVwqWuD8y/s320/32352db287e15adedd73fe1bbeff8e84.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Everyone deals with grief differently. Truly, no two people can grieve in the same way. For some it takes much longer than others to get through. Some people need to talk about it, some people don't. Some people need to be left alone and some don't ever want to be alone. Grief comes in waves and it has so many different facets that I learn more about every day. I've read several books now about grief and from what I've experienced for myself in these 31 very long days is that you do have to acknowledge your pain and your grief in order to start to heal. Some days I cry a lot, some I cry only a little. Some days I laugh a lot, some days I can't imagine finding anything funny. But I talk about all of it because there is a healing power in words.<br />
<br />
I miss my dad. I miss him more than I ever knew it was possible to miss another person. I miss his laugh. I miss his smile. I miss his corny jokes. I miss his posts, comments and likes on facebook. When I'm in my hometown and I wake up in the morning, it takes me roughly an hour to garner up the strength to walk out into the living room and not see him, and even then, I still cry because it seems so unreal. I miss hearing him say "I love you, Sweetie" or "I love your face". God, I miss that. I miss the jokes we would make about my mom being left-handed. I miss talking about the Cardinals with him. I miss telling him funny stories. I miss calling him in the morning on my way to work just because. Every fiber of my being misses him.<br />
<br />
Grief. It's ugly. It's all consuming. It makes the most unselfish people the most self-absorbed and there is nothing that can be done to stop it. You just have to let it happen.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguHN8O5cr6stTn8V9aWOo9VjkJc-yB-Ddqy_xXa4N2sHmQ4PkYSQ_bqpQrZ6C-25T5hvnUA02nMgJe8y9J7IOG58iZWT_4oii30Qm9kdGaFJ4JQ5xe6JEsrjC0TE2_BqE-JYyMjsgU-jCp/s1600/67612b20aa3c85bea24b8f6830a8b59a.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguHN8O5cr6stTn8V9aWOo9VjkJc-yB-Ddqy_xXa4N2sHmQ4PkYSQ_bqpQrZ6C-25T5hvnUA02nMgJe8y9J7IOG58iZWT_4oii30Qm9kdGaFJ4JQ5xe6JEsrjC0TE2_BqE-JYyMjsgU-jCp/s320/67612b20aa3c85bea24b8f6830a8b59a.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span id="goog_432543883"></span><span id="goog_432543884"></span><br />
<br />T. Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16353300385621379332noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-156677989733773680.post-73987706936560388902015-06-30T16:31:00.003-05:002016-01-05T16:05:58.758-06:00When fear becomes reality...Hello, world...<br />
<br />
I write because it helps me heal. I write in hope of helping others heal. So what does one write when there are no words that can heal?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7FLSqGvg47RJm7AoUjazZrvXDL2Vq8ZLcEkYX_FtpVovHRkq_fPst102DDG4Rb6PaYSHXe9MYc4BdsHjp2HjIhpEVOl2X2YWjHGK2yGIX4I6Z8DRjKygCAxGA3DyIOxBrDqea9gU2liUF/s1600/ad923a3715a5b4a611e1920a754ce30e.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7FLSqGvg47RJm7AoUjazZrvXDL2Vq8ZLcEkYX_FtpVovHRkq_fPst102DDG4Rb6PaYSHXe9MYc4BdsHjp2HjIhpEVOl2X2YWjHGK2yGIX4I6Z8DRjKygCAxGA3DyIOxBrDqea9gU2liUF/s320/ad923a3715a5b4a611e1920a754ce30e.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
Three weeks ago today my world was shattered. For as long as I can remember, I feared a life without my dad. My worst fear is now my reality and that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. When I was eight years old, my dad had five bypasses done and after all was said and done (after multiple complications), he was given two years on the long side to live. By the grace of God he got another twenty one years. Shouldn't I be happy I got that at least? Yes. Is it enough? Not hardly. When you always know in the back of your head that your dad is on borrowed time, there is an unending fear in the back of your mind every time the phone rings. <br />
<br />
Probably more than most little girls, I dreamed of my daddy walking me down the aisle and seeing me have kids, always knowing that I probably wouldn't get to have that. There was a time in my life when I thought I was with the person my dad would walk me down the aisle towards, and I was raising a child my dad cared for as if he were my own. There was joy in that for me, knowing that something I wanted to share with my daddy for so long was within reach. Then it was gone. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdEDihQ-mMRokx-mUtdh9SB8tYYihXHNoyUkUvDaJ_iOTMwho3Dw8s37CroFTgaTI7XmQ63oBUcztN9PTRoprMQnkvF_Fwjw290wTSEwvdJIUmrBjMyVgYpJXFZ0F6Jlaes-bw1wIbT_bq/s1600/7029c80d8b8059cadfdd860d8193ef41.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdEDihQ-mMRokx-mUtdh9SB8tYYihXHNoyUkUvDaJ_iOTMwho3Dw8s37CroFTgaTI7XmQ63oBUcztN9PTRoprMQnkvF_Fwjw290wTSEwvdJIUmrBjMyVgYpJXFZ0F6Jlaes-bw1wIbT_bq/s320/7029c80d8b8059cadfdd860d8193ef41.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
Most of you know that last month my life changed as well as his. There are no words to describe how thankful I am that until the last two days of his life, he got to live in a way that he hadn't been able to for more than two decades. He got to sleep peacefully at night, wake up without pain, walk without his cane, go fishing (something that he loved almost as much as his grandkids) and truly enjoy it again. He got to have hope that he would have several more years like that. He had hope that he would be there to walk me down the aisle one day and to hold my children. I had hope of that for the first time. When you suddenly find hope in something that you never thought would happen and then in an instant it's gone the sadness is overwhelming.<br />
<br />
Sometimes
the sadness is so overwhelming that I feel pain in every part of my
body and it's hard to simply breathe. Other times I'm okay and it
doesn't seem real at all. I'm sad for my family. I'm especially sad for
my sweet nephews who love their grandpa so much and will never
understand the depths of how much he loved them. I'm sad for my dogs who
still don't know what to do without him around. I'm sad for my future
child or children who will never call him grandpa. I'm sad that the one
thing I wanted more than anything as a little girl will never happen. I
am 29 years old and God willing I still have another 50-60 years...I
cannot fathom living that long without my dad. Every time I post
anything at all on facebook, I expect to get a notification that he has
commented on it. When the Cardinals are playing, I expect to talk to
him. Every time I wake up in my parents house, I expect him to be in the
living room. I expect to hear his corny jokes. I expect to hug him when
I get to my hometown and when I leave to head back to the city.<br />
<br />
<div class="verse">
As a Christian, I know that my daddy is in Heaven and his body is perfect. I know he is finally with his parents again. I was named after his mom who passed away 34 years ago. My whole life I've heard about how much he missed her. I'm happy for him. I'm happy he's home now and never ever has to feel another day of pain. I know I will see him again someday. However, none of that really makes me feel better right now. I miss my dad so much. There's a song by MercyMe called <i>Homesick </i>and the first part of it plays in my head many times throughout the day. <i>"</i><i>You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times and at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you. But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry is how long must I wait to be with you. I close my eyes and I see your face. If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place. Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow. I've never been more homesick than now."</i> </div>
<div class="verse">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWnujXb1aPLU73y8SQ4rukiTZLghT8h19zVSVCFhck7tYNO-QOxyf91CdOvfkBAm8a5avECYSEtP6poqLNHvWE-FsywX5DVDoxfYA_ez1GOAJvf4YVoiGhUiC2P2Kjes1FTVfc5Ij9KM9x/s1600/4e8a8f15d2644d1f7b3458c0871aa368.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="235" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWnujXb1aPLU73y8SQ4rukiTZLghT8h19zVSVCFhck7tYNO-QOxyf91CdOvfkBAm8a5avECYSEtP6poqLNHvWE-FsywX5DVDoxfYA_ez1GOAJvf4YVoiGhUiC2P2Kjes1FTVfc5Ij9KM9x/s320/4e8a8f15d2644d1f7b3458c0871aa368.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
Even though he had suffered so much in the past twenty one years, it was still very sudden. He'd had a flareup for a couple of days of his hiatal hernia and the pain was so sever that it made his heart weaker from the spikes in his blood pressure. At 1pm he had made a post on facebook and by 2pm he was gone. My nephews were at the house when it happened and I thank God that they didn't see him like that, but my heart breaks for my mom for finding him just gone. <br />
<br />
In the past 15 months I have had a lot of sorrow and grief to get through but it all pales in comparison to losing my daddy. I also know that if I was still living in DC, I wouldn't have had all of the time over the last year that I got to have with him. I never would have found my way to a chiropractor who changed my life by introducing me to Zeal, and thus my dad would never have gotten to have the last month that he did. I had back to back weekends at home with him in May and that wouldn't have been possible if I still lived in DC. If I still lived in DC, I wouldn't have had ten days with my family over the past three weeks and I don't know if I would be able to be a functioning human being. I may be very sad off and on throughout the day right now but being able to be here so close to my momma, my sister, my sweet nephews and several close friends is what keeps me going. In time it won't hurt like it does now. Right now the grief comes in huge waves and all I can do is ride them. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3a1RgHaPDWb5LyI6ObOem4P57kpixP_Cm5GwJRVjgmQovDjx8NmApmDy-8YWLoGRMsnl0GKwio19b3d5ajYWapr3Ka4GI4ej0eABha4ehMCtKMvpP4WlFISBIZ8EWd3sNOUGJD74uxns4/s1600/67612b20aa3c85bea24b8f6830a8b59a.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3a1RgHaPDWb5LyI6ObOem4P57kpixP_Cm5GwJRVjgmQovDjx8NmApmDy-8YWLoGRMsnl0GKwio19b3d5ajYWapr3Ka4GI4ej0eABha4ehMCtKMvpP4WlFISBIZ8EWd3sNOUGJD74uxns4/s320/67612b20aa3c85bea24b8f6830a8b59a.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
One thing I've learned in the last few weeks is that people have all sorts of ideas of what they think they should say to try to make it better. Nothing makes it better and there are some things that really do make it worse. If you have a loved one who is grieving, just love them and listen when the want to talk, let them cry if they need to cry. Pray for them. Sometimes not saying a word is the best thing you can do. There are no magic words that heals a heart that is absolutely devastated. Being able to comfort someone goes a long way though. This week I'm trying to get back to normal and back into a routine. It's the strangest feeling. I still feel like I'm going to wake up and it will all just go back to normal and this will have been nothing more than a nightmare...but I know that isn't the case and this is the new normal.<br />
<br />
I miss you and love you so much, daddy.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBQ0ueFDHtn_7KCHs1gAeQjvM38uoBiPsc-NDn1acoivjfbmGkyvyAE9JOmFqjs5UsOI0U8Q7Gz3BXMVzflj5K3WVrVsR1w9AKP_wozhAsQ3ZY-Fi2PuTLfx2tA5pV76RWp4esm9YDhRVO/s1600/1549258_10153346984868774_1929186753845418517_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="292" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBQ0ueFDHtn_7KCHs1gAeQjvM38uoBiPsc-NDn1acoivjfbmGkyvyAE9JOmFqjs5UsOI0U8Q7Gz3BXMVzflj5K3WVrVsR1w9AKP_wozhAsQ3ZY-Fi2PuTLfx2tA5pV76RWp4esm9YDhRVO/s320/1549258_10153346984868774_1929186753845418517_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5NtK6jI2RidWontfBc0Eza0tYtNdcwW-1uWowQNsbnEuLH3vmj9faFTwZmo2yC1ldSL9p4tiifK8fjuGjBvOc54LFWs_DUm7X116c3wdq_VvLpKifM-dCrJAK0UOxVK28xeggI0tUSz8S/s1600/10151424_10153346978818774_6755858951700899682_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="211" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5NtK6jI2RidWontfBc0Eza0tYtNdcwW-1uWowQNsbnEuLH3vmj9faFTwZmo2yC1ldSL9p4tiifK8fjuGjBvOc54LFWs_DUm7X116c3wdq_VvLpKifM-dCrJAK0UOxVK28xeggI0tUSz8S/s320/10151424_10153346978818774_6755858951700899682_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgT6XkBrSLfjylY7EZstvJTW-Urs90c40kTud709TKse99InXrCSpMLq-7A8agSONYaH8yImkSCPkREu4tiJzhdCoX_uVYQawqSSJz2NggTbZIpQbz4usSwK4-iec3qExy0fB6HUx1bi0eu/s1600/10383895_10153355222483774_1702988523942960985_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgT6XkBrSLfjylY7EZstvJTW-Urs90c40kTud709TKse99InXrCSpMLq-7A8agSONYaH8yImkSCPkREu4tiJzhdCoX_uVYQawqSSJz2NggTbZIpQbz4usSwK4-iec3qExy0fB6HUx1bi0eu/s320/10383895_10153355222483774_1702988523942960985_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUvQNjnPgBxxaLDGrpBmdE2H2UeeGCQD68TsXPKnUbas-bnsZamoNRg-raLeTmLxYOCRlOcGXjhWJv9KE7yL_hrMbeoostmx9x0IDbnl3_V_MMlCCLhCUmxMNKSvMjEfTtB2da3XYW4zxP/s1600/10390059_10153346982673774_4587599987091548587_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="308" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUvQNjnPgBxxaLDGrpBmdE2H2UeeGCQD68TsXPKnUbas-bnsZamoNRg-raLeTmLxYOCRlOcGXjhWJv9KE7yL_hrMbeoostmx9x0IDbnl3_V_MMlCCLhCUmxMNKSvMjEfTtB2da3XYW4zxP/s320/10390059_10153346982673774_4587599987091548587_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNrZgU5oSFtFLPeugMlc5Bd9a7kDaKXYa_7L0ICLzr0ezDeHBUf7UA7t5BegU8PGun6K3ddrIL5KPyRy5u3ze53PDziguNCSDBHYj5gC2OopSYUy5K75AwLo8f_lgWX0J8UVuvQzITQPPm/s1600/10526084_10153346986333774_7766697361916800146_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="254" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNrZgU5oSFtFLPeugMlc5Bd9a7kDaKXYa_7L0ICLzr0ezDeHBUf7UA7t5BegU8PGun6K3ddrIL5KPyRy5u3ze53PDziguNCSDBHYj5gC2OopSYUy5K75AwLo8f_lgWX0J8UVuvQzITQPPm/s320/10526084_10153346986333774_7766697361916800146_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbS_Xt2M9J9sowSJV8VtzP_Rd4dFhaGjOt5ruk4f2EwffvGLjP4Wg8BLTKiDbmTLPCOK0YNZ7foYd04kBYLUkJKnYIBJObuAPr2e0-uiE0aTdXrSn9WbZZiD0djmAivOSP61_Mf00cmVZm/s1600/10990056_10153346982978774_2762053001105733211_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="258" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbS_Xt2M9J9sowSJV8VtzP_Rd4dFhaGjOt5ruk4f2EwffvGLjP4Wg8BLTKiDbmTLPCOK0YNZ7foYd04kBYLUkJKnYIBJObuAPr2e0-uiE0aTdXrSn9WbZZiD0djmAivOSP61_Mf00cmVZm/s320/10990056_10153346982978774_2762053001105733211_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2HXn5FLAxYThkLw-9AiB5-7Q7bEn9JfA8iONrcLqdGZZevib0-D3Tcnwf2pJVmAM1XxZLmFjzRoM5U9lrw5Z31PWoZkDTPFUs7gR7Sub_HzlnnfUaWS08JtEJ_VxfMINM0G7xPDlYncSo/s1600/11391381_10153346980883774_5329779239048836407_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="208" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2HXn5FLAxYThkLw-9AiB5-7Q7bEn9JfA8iONrcLqdGZZevib0-D3Tcnwf2pJVmAM1XxZLmFjzRoM5U9lrw5Z31PWoZkDTPFUs7gR7Sub_HzlnnfUaWS08JtEJ_VxfMINM0G7xPDlYncSo/s320/11391381_10153346980883774_5329779239048836407_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiG0sGOYUx4cWOgnTbOmNq-ja6034CFEAFshfoNxxQ-_CEkdmdQQnOvTui0m9dBpqWovpb83u1Ffwku14qqL_Q33AT4nmCSCG3Qz96T5CM7UsZuI4IrvlUJFG7BmgqL5HDXdYBl2EwOU30O/s1600/11393187_10153346977478774_6111974696108167905_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiG0sGOYUx4cWOgnTbOmNq-ja6034CFEAFshfoNxxQ-_CEkdmdQQnOvTui0m9dBpqWovpb83u1Ffwku14qqL_Q33AT4nmCSCG3Qz96T5CM7UsZuI4IrvlUJFG7BmgqL5HDXdYBl2EwOU30O/s320/11393187_10153346977478774_6111974696108167905_n.jpg" width="167" /></a></div>
<br />T. Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16353300385621379332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-156677989733773680.post-61336483753552667882015-06-02T16:48:00.000-05:002015-06-02T16:48:16.391-05:0017 miles...Happy (Transformation) Tuesday!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXJU2pNNA_Z4xThVcxvCir9YyzUxPXwRiN9hwTJ0BUsXyZ_u28XZbmUTTNew2EhjEHmpFUqB1M_AisRwXPUpwlCzTt6Shtsy3zaCzrufA_qwma-ZZ4kgBH16z2goyrq2-61U_UNQ_UYIMU/s1600/junetransformationtuesday.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="280" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXJU2pNNA_Z4xThVcxvCir9YyzUxPXwRiN9hwTJ0BUsXyZ_u28XZbmUTTNew2EhjEHmpFUqB1M_AisRwXPUpwlCzTt6Shtsy3zaCzrufA_qwma-ZZ4kgBH16z2goyrq2-61U_UNQ_UYIMU/s320/junetransformationtuesday.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
You know those times when you do something that you never EVER thought you'd do? That seems to be happening on a daily basis around here. I. Love. It. On Sunday I rode a little over 17 miles at the gym. What's crazier is that I had no joint or muscle pain afterwards, ran errands for hours after, had the yoga and weights portion of my workout at home after that and still had energy. Amazing. It's amazing to me that the body in most of those pictures is gone. It's amazing that one in the middle exists and can do things I never dreamed of being capable of. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyA741nTOaQqPw44j_AbMdySuFkWX2r9OPGxCyDJ36XydEDeBXmVgBgbP4HcuG05CoeYHOp03OfmhId5oBwmGFGl_Lf_hW575AiHuTtD6TyUqPDFUk7uSv9nfj5gJZMCAdJH-oTKK8a3gZ/s1600/5b31a8d3e84a4eee8745a401340ad800.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyA741nTOaQqPw44j_AbMdySuFkWX2r9OPGxCyDJ36XydEDeBXmVgBgbP4HcuG05CoeYHOp03OfmhId5oBwmGFGl_Lf_hW575AiHuTtD6TyUqPDFUk7uSv9nfj5gJZMCAdJH-oTKK8a3gZ/s320/5b31a8d3e84a4eee8745a401340ad800.jpg" width="273" /></a></div>
Believe in yourself and everything that you ARE capable of doing. I'm living proof that you can do something if you just believe.<br />
<br />
xoxo<br />
<br />
<br />T. Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16353300385621379332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-156677989733773680.post-31678267155191096262015-05-30T18:58:00.000-05:002015-05-30T18:58:17.199-05:00Do more, be more, live more...Hello world!<br />
<br />
What a CRAZY few weeks it has been. In the past week especially, I have seen just how much my life has changed in the past eight months. Eight months ago I had seeds of hope planted into my soul that were never there before. About seven months ago, chiropractic care began to change my life. Six months ago my entire thought process changed. Every single day since then BIG things have happened. My life has come full circle as of late and I've seen that things I have in my life directly stem back to those two months in the fall.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjg-IjevDmRoE90P8-yqmmK6bqR0ul9Luhyoi0zd4846UhTisgWo1E6yoHiL-OYDYCJbC8C_S-0k10CeOE-tXkdfGN1NwVijrHwAH_62zJyj4d2UXDd0QYYWQMU9ILFB6hgZaMIHYMQtpDW/s1600/c8b23ec02f053012f4d32d035193c191.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjg-IjevDmRoE90P8-yqmmK6bqR0ul9Luhyoi0zd4846UhTisgWo1E6yoHiL-OYDYCJbC8C_S-0k10CeOE-tXkdfGN1NwVijrHwAH_62zJyj4d2UXDd0QYYWQMU9ILFB6hgZaMIHYMQtpDW/s320/c8b23ec02f053012f4d32d035193c191.jpg" width="244" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
Last night I had the opportunity to listen to two incredible speakers from within the health world. One shared his story and it was so clear how many people would have given up all hope in his shoes but he chose not to. He knew that giving up was not in God's plan for his life. The other speaker after that talked about never giving up hope and how sharing your story can give others hope they so desperately need.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRijp7Fq8RFlkkfzwOBZ1A0hfMt_dFuq-MfW0K8Xwboj3EqkFTj_xuyYnMAlu2gdfQ6rHyKlg9Qr_jIFBgI3i48AsdemCevGRj4Nhbbm0jv0Oti5ihTYIuO_JR3LYFikw-zbEoAoL2K1sx/s1600/bddb8e6e8f5462cc8ed4323136b02130.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRijp7Fq8RFlkkfzwOBZ1A0hfMt_dFuq-MfW0K8Xwboj3EqkFTj_xuyYnMAlu2gdfQ6rHyKlg9Qr_jIFBgI3i48AsdemCevGRj4Nhbbm0jv0Oti5ihTYIuO_JR3LYFikw-zbEoAoL2K1sx/s320/bddb8e6e8f5462cc8ed4323136b02130.jpg" width="302" /></a></div>
<br />
I share my story on a daily basis because there was once a time in my life for many, many years in which I didn't have hope. I walked through this world daily resigned to the fact that I would live with excruciating pain for the rest of my life. I had doctors either tell me it was all in my head or that taking this pill or that pill would help, which it never really did. My life was not my own. I wasn't really living. I was merely getting by and afraid of doing anything different that might cause more pain. I'm not even 30 yet...I assure you that is NOT living. It's being trapped within your own body almost paralyzed.<br />
<br />
Yes, I've lost a ton of weight over the past two years on my own. Yes, I've gotten myself off of all medications with the exception of a once a day allergy pill. Yes, I had reduced my pain level significantly. Did I ever believe I could truly feel how I do today? No. Not at all.<br />
<br />
A little over a month ago now, my chiropractor talked me into giving Zeal Wellness a try. I am on day 27 right now and I assure you that I am living a life beyond anything I ever dreamed was possible for me after the previous 16 years. Do you know what it's like to suddenly feel awake when it's felt like you never sleep? Or what it's like to truly feel alive after feeling trapped for more than half of your life? There are no words to accurately describe that. 27 days in and I sit here without joint pain. I've not had a migraine or cluster headache for 27 days. I have slept all night long and woken up feeling ready for whatever the world is going to throw at me every day now. I have had energy that I still don't even quite know what to do with. While continuing with my Primal Diet and using Zeal, I have lost 14.5lbs and 27.7" all over in 27 days. Seriously. It's unreal. I went shopping in a non-plus size store today and bought multiple items and it felt amazing. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRULBhoSW0KUCeInIBFkidhfGPdy5SMLqQFSNV-zzcxbFGH2BTyjqtSwQt1DeUEiNNtA7-gX8uU6NxvpxmRR9Rwuy5DexoYBslDRP7PnilUbQCrrsAeclIoKoFNFbLbxYJm5zHTnVmB7jL/s1600/472d701414dbc62e4ada39b0cbf0203b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRULBhoSW0KUCeInIBFkidhfGPdy5SMLqQFSNV-zzcxbFGH2BTyjqtSwQt1DeUEiNNtA7-gX8uU6NxvpxmRR9Rwuy5DexoYBslDRP7PnilUbQCrrsAeclIoKoFNFbLbxYJm5zHTnVmB7jL/s320/472d701414dbc62e4ada39b0cbf0203b.jpg" width="247" /></a></div>
<br />
Then there is my dad who has seen miracles that I never thought I'd see happen. My dad has had heart disease since I was in grade school. He's had multiple heart attacks and surgeries since 1994. He's had severe gout and hernia pain for many years now. He's dealt with pain for more than my entire life. For the past six years or so he has had to increasingly use a cane to walk. He's been told by doctors time and time again that it's amazing he is alive. I don't believe he'd had a full nights sleep in decades. My dad's quality of life has been very poor for as long as I can remember and for the longest time I was certain he would never walk me down the aisle. While that may seem silly, it's literally been a fear I've had since I was a child and I no longer have that fear. My dad is 24 days into Zeal and pain free. He is sleeping all night long. His blood pressure has dropped roughly five points. He doesn't have to sleep during the day. I might be 29 and getting a new life I've never had but my dad is 72 and finally getting to live again.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPvZhUeZR-Z696ACwgKFjoYo5MJxSLBnfnaLCJ6jmi1tY33t6Oz6gpruRpwbtF_TKHoaBo-toP2I0uNPdkj2MX9Bg74FTHcg1uG3U-BhuhxULodrvIGQllW2qxT-16nkqDkFIPTwftT3wM/s1600/389138199661ed4e329635f3f8f7eb60.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPvZhUeZR-Z696ACwgKFjoYo5MJxSLBnfnaLCJ6jmi1tY33t6Oz6gpruRpwbtF_TKHoaBo-toP2I0uNPdkj2MX9Bg74FTHcg1uG3U-BhuhxULodrvIGQllW2qxT-16nkqDkFIPTwftT3wM/s320/389138199661ed4e329635f3f8f7eb60.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
If you want to do more, to be more, to live more than what you are doing right now...you can. Do not ever let anyone tell you that you can't. Change your story. Change someone else's story. I did and you know what? I've never felt happier.<br />
<br />
Zeal is not a cure all. It's not magic. Zeal is an incredible mix of super foods that is designed to help your body achieve optimal wellness. Zeal allows your body to do the things it is supposed to do. I wake up every day with so much excitement because I can't wait to see how it's going to continue to change my life or the lives of others. Do you get to wake up and know that you are going to change someones life today? I do. There's nothing like it. If you want to know more about Zeal Wellness, send me a message. Check out my website-- <a href="http://tressietucker.zealforlife.com/" target="_blank">tressietucker.zealforlife.com</a>. <br />
<br />
xoxo<br />
T. Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16353300385621379332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-156677989733773680.post-47827806297764483832015-05-09T08:28:00.000-05:002015-05-09T08:28:25.004-05:00It's like a Christmas miracle around here...Good morning, world!<br />
<br />
Do you ever wake up and think "Am I seriously going to deal with this for the rest of my life?!" For more than half of my life that's how I woke up, not to mention what would think to myself about a dozen times throughout the day. It's a very sad way to go through life.<br />
<br />
In my last post I told you that my chiropractor (who is a God send!) had shared something with me. In the last week I've been taking an incredible wellness mix called Zeal For Life. You guys....I've been blown away all week long but it's to the point of almost being emotional because of something amazing going on.<br />
<br />
Between myself, my mom and my dad we have had more health problems than any family should have. In the last two years I have gotten off of all medications except for a once a day allergy pill. My parents take roughly 20 different pills between the two of them. Lyme Disease (all three of us), Fibromyalgia (two of us), severe arthritis (the two of them), heart disease, Hiatal Hernia, migraines, cancer, gout, thyroid problems and major sleeping issues to name a few. That's what we've been dealing with between the three of us for most of my life and my parents had some of those issues before I was born even. <br />
<br />
Within the first two hours of my first dose I felt awake. Truly awake and alert is not something I am used to feeling at all. Even with as much weight as I have lost, I've still combated chronic fatigue and basically would somehow manage to get 3-4 hours of very broken sleep a night. And I can fully "function" that way because that is how I have "lived" since I was 13. So within the first 24 hours I had more energy than I knew what to do with. The night of day two, I slept. Legitimately slept the entire night. I didn't wake up at any point with ANY pain at all, which is normally what causes me to toss and turn all night. Each day since then I have been so energized, so awake, have had no pain at all and slept like a baby. I'm in southern IL this weekend, and normally when I sleep at my parents, I toss the entire night, can't get comfortable and wake up almost unable to move for a few hours because of my back. ZERO pain. Oh, and I've lost 11 pounds.<br />
<br />
In the first 24 hours of my dad taking it, he had no pain. That is HUGE for my dad, who for the last couple of years has had to use a cane off an on because of frequent and severe gout and knee pain. Last night we were watching the Cardinals game and it hit him that he also had no pain from the hernia which has plagued him for nearly three years. This morning he said he woke up without any pain again.<br />
<br />
My mom, God love her, vacuumed the house before I got here on Thursday. Normally, that would put her out of commission for at least a day if not longer because of her arthritis and back pain. Not to mention she fell that afternoon hard, has a monster bruise on her back and really should have been in a lot of pain the day after. She didn't feel worse than she normally does even though she should have. Yesterday she commented that she had no joint pain in her hands which is huge for her.<br />
<br />
Can you answer yes to any of the following questions:<br />
1. Do you want more energy?<br />
2. Do you often feel hungry?<br />
3. Do you lack clarity and focus?<br />
4. Do you feel sad or anxious?<br />
5. Do you have daily aches and pains?<br />
<br />
If you can answer yes to any single one of those, we need to talk!<br />
<br />
I've been a huge proponent as you know from reading this little blog of mine, that YOU have he power to change your life and to change your story. You have the power to make a change in the lives of others, too. I've been changing my life and my story for the last two years. I know that the changes I've made have inspired other people as well. Zeal For Life is making a change in me that on my own with diet and exercise couldn't do. If you want to know more message me on facebook, email me (ttucker1113@gmail.com) or better yet, take a look at this site: <a href="http://tressietucker.zealforlife.com/" target="_blank">tressietucker.zealforlife.com</a>. <br />
<br />
What's stopping you from feeling the way you were meant to feel?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsUsI0M8CD4xRKlUhb7y8b5olQwqVVaDFLMUkIFeyLUVzGullCa6LrfVtsuGbPHkAYvIuYcil2AAsU6UZsSOKuXMNTcY0mDoGxv3L6yvNXC8CvPT5a0ZXwsSp2Obg7Ms91bx_ApfQo5m3n/s1600/fa5f8a67ca48eeb6be15bb9bd48f7dec.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsUsI0M8CD4xRKlUhb7y8b5olQwqVVaDFLMUkIFeyLUVzGullCa6LrfVtsuGbPHkAYvIuYcil2AAsU6UZsSOKuXMNTcY0mDoGxv3L6yvNXC8CvPT5a0ZXwsSp2Obg7Ms91bx_ApfQo5m3n/s320/fa5f8a67ca48eeb6be15bb9bd48f7dec.jpg" width="186" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
xoxoT. Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16353300385621379332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-156677989733773680.post-54567182613071548972015-05-06T12:27:00.003-05:002015-05-06T12:27:56.995-05:00Big things are happening...<span id="goog_1233060288"></span><span id="goog_1233060289"></span>Hello, world!<br />
<br />
Big things...HUGE things are happening and I am beyond excited.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6oOd827iBJf_EM5j9oSpJnPzuyaCTbSRhLgvsrz37ZAqiMMBqzW3AiAYTgbxeqUm9Nm5Y3_KuBrOet6vRlyGfRHVSLuultoiMFIp_FN2XmB-wMSNYvhVRj09h9jKuwwem8ewtdI0J9PfI/s1600/416c9869b60f8418a49036abfcde44b3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6oOd827iBJf_EM5j9oSpJnPzuyaCTbSRhLgvsrz37ZAqiMMBqzW3AiAYTgbxeqUm9Nm5Y3_KuBrOet6vRlyGfRHVSLuultoiMFIp_FN2XmB-wMSNYvhVRj09h9jKuwwem8ewtdI0J9PfI/s1600/416c9869b60f8418a49036abfcde44b3.jpg" height="320" width="180" /></a></div>
<br />
About a month ago I submitted work in progress story to Mark Sisson for some contest to win a year's supply of Primal products (names drawn at random from submitted stories). I didn't hear anything for a couple of weeks and just assumed that I didn't win. No harm, no foul. Well, he personally emailed me and told me how amazing my story is and how it's stories like mine that push him to continue writing books and publishing his website. He wants to use my story!! Mind. Blown.<br />
<br />
It continues to baffle me just how far and how deeply my story is reaching others. This morning I discovered that it's now been read in 44 countries. Incredible. Helping even just one other person make a change in their life makes everything I've endured worth it.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIpi3pXUmpOdCAonmHDRwfh1QOm2a4eLi00eW9Mis3XXzLmCohEHrgzHONXRpsNEnnrucmwor9PqyMPQFrLJhWrHkBYikJftyWYAy_7grSnV2-1_PqMuQt68fZHrXUovkaHFjb7PIYAirS/s1600/a2a2f1d688659aec786bf11ae7f6b90e.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIpi3pXUmpOdCAonmHDRwfh1QOm2a4eLi00eW9Mis3XXzLmCohEHrgzHONXRpsNEnnrucmwor9PqyMPQFrLJhWrHkBYikJftyWYAy_7grSnV2-1_PqMuQt68fZHrXUovkaHFjb7PIYAirS/s1600/a2a2f1d688659aec786bf11ae7f6b90e.jpg" height="237" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
A week ago after my adjustment, I was telling my chiropractor about this. We had quite the discussion afterwards that left me feeling pretty empowered and trying something new in conjunction with what I've already been doing. You know what's awesome? Sleeping REALLY well when you haven't for months after what has seemed like a never ending stress-induced flare up. Having virtually no inflammation or joint pain in a relatively small period of time is also awesome. Oh, and let us not forget to talk about the insane amount of energy I've had as well, all from one little scoop of powder per day. Oh, did I mention that after day one I had lost seven pounds (which according to my chiropractor beats the six pounds he had heard of someone losing)?! Yes, I realize that was all water weight and inflammation leaving my body, but still, freaking amazing. Stay tuned, kids...more information coming about this incredible product.<br />
<br />
To quote a line from Rachel Platten's <i>Fight Song</i>, "I might only have one match but I can make an explosion."<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzeyZ8odOwY9cbjkuqamRJCJJQUN7EhYVm_jSAc2CdjZwGQ-EVkV-0WKk7Y9NpMHqxlMdLeVQ9LutTR_JwyOdd9LQ4sCRDYJ1wDl_XWLwwg7Zi0bX96hItbVkFJOS-s7nlDPRM9Zdvwbk9/s1600/67b60fb94f9b8d300d5da8f1539004a1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzeyZ8odOwY9cbjkuqamRJCJJQUN7EhYVm_jSAc2CdjZwGQ-EVkV-0WKk7Y9NpMHqxlMdLeVQ9LutTR_JwyOdd9LQ4sCRDYJ1wDl_XWLwwg7Zi0bX96hItbVkFJOS-s7nlDPRM9Zdvwbk9/s1600/67b60fb94f9b8d300d5da8f1539004a1.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
xoxoT. Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16353300385621379332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-156677989733773680.post-61103307260820155382015-04-14T17:46:00.003-05:002015-04-14T17:46:58.797-05:00Transformation Tuesday...Hello, World!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2TRtsl3BF-AzQCiwyei4s30FYNMSvXyKyDnDVrQTIEAEB6M9lS31We8wu7LpGIVSEYG_VRd_tbC594jkmS2d9bssXtZP0a65mXFfFxjXvj-ELOdtgLIrBc7rCjwpNDcRfdlH-8upoX2lN/s1600/48542a09930cc42cc33b23085a8f91fc.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2TRtsl3BF-AzQCiwyei4s30FYNMSvXyKyDnDVrQTIEAEB6M9lS31We8wu7LpGIVSEYG_VRd_tbC594jkmS2d9bssXtZP0a65mXFfFxjXvj-ELOdtgLIrBc7rCjwpNDcRfdlH-8upoX2lN/s1600/48542a09930cc42cc33b23085a8f91fc.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
I've FINALLY broken through my plateau and I'm down 130 from my heaviest weight now. Some days I don't see a lot of change physically (I know, what?!), but the internal changes are never ending. I've had several people tell me that I should legitimately write about about this journey that I've been on for the past sixteen years...I'm starting to actually toy around with the idea of that.<br />
<br />
I was asked again the other day how it is that I'm able to talk so openly about all of this that I've been through. I love to write and it's truly therapeutic for me. As of today people in 39 different countries have read my blog and who knows how many others on some other sites I post for. I've had more than 82,000 page views. That's insane!<br />
<br />
I wholeheartedly believe that no matter what struggles you have had in your life, you have the power to re-write your story. You have the power within yourself to say "enough is enough!" If life knocks you down one time or one hundred times, you have have the power to get up and fight back. True change is more than simply a physical, emotional, mental or spiritual change...it's a combination of all of those things.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZaHGPM9nPapbTpZW4kVEol4qcmbzf80WWAoZ4FuA12NDm3o4AawI-KgqOJ4kJ_f3kHgyVZKUhP0OaKadO9BAlBl4RF0xcPn9I8oCnrns3pCPvl5gx54d7Kb66QhAU0i4IWU2xYOnMBMF7/s1600/fa5f8a67ca48eeb6be15bb9bd48f7dec.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZaHGPM9nPapbTpZW4kVEol4qcmbzf80WWAoZ4FuA12NDm3o4AawI-KgqOJ4kJ_f3kHgyVZKUhP0OaKadO9BAlBl4RF0xcPn9I8oCnrns3pCPvl5gx54d7Kb66QhAU0i4IWU2xYOnMBMF7/s1600/fa5f8a67ca48eeb6be15bb9bd48f7dec.jpg" height="320" width="186" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
Don't ever settle for anything in life. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you aren't good enough. Don't let anyone, yourself included, tell you that you can't do something. Decide what you want and go after it. Fight for yourself because nobody else can do that for you. You have the power. I'm living proof.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHv6pVxjiYS-hRj6ueSSkrRFlVQh6kz2weiXimp_24nQ4dSeZgDRfHFNnPTbowZX0gHAUyKT5NbUO2vUok8dcRQE9nhDv1_JZjDnbbduCQd0N1O91Fi4PQVD0PR5pMniqhN4Rz6xa91gti/s1600/transformationtuesday.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHv6pVxjiYS-hRj6ueSSkrRFlVQh6kz2weiXimp_24nQ4dSeZgDRfHFNnPTbowZX0gHAUyKT5NbUO2vUok8dcRQE9nhDv1_JZjDnbbduCQd0N1O91Fi4PQVD0PR5pMniqhN4Rz6xa91gti/s1600/transformationtuesday.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
xoxoT. Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16353300385621379332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-156677989733773680.post-9992992071678723742015-04-01T15:17:00.000-05:002015-04-01T15:17:08.780-05:00What a difference a year makes...Hello, world...<br />
<br />
It's been a crazy last month or so. I was really sick for several weeks and was dealing with a few other things that made me step back and take some time off for my own mental and physical well-being. I tried to go back to the gym a couple of weeks ago and guess what you should never do when you're battling strep, inner ear infections and bronchitis....attempt to work out. Bad things happen. Dizziness. Nausea. Just don't do it. If you're fighting illness, let yourself heal first as your body is already working harder than normal. <br />
<br />
Having said that, this blog is about total wellness...that means it's more than physical well-being, it's also mental, emotional and spiritual well-being, too. This past week has been a rather contemplative one for me in which I've really been reflecting on the changes I've made over this past year.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4pzhZnT3GBeY9RjXUclme57OBUZ9-efu86KeOG0tdv1jTD2K6SpQwXTaHhnmIhUMEP80DWmloxCNKtb3DtVpgsjpVeMhXiFkt2mQMQOh1yPsuaXog1wir9MD-XVjeCcLHl8Z4YbQo9GUq/s1600/5dc5ffb6a0bd516a05a0c6db7ad72806.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4pzhZnT3GBeY9RjXUclme57OBUZ9-efu86KeOG0tdv1jTD2K6SpQwXTaHhnmIhUMEP80DWmloxCNKtb3DtVpgsjpVeMhXiFkt2mQMQOh1yPsuaXog1wir9MD-XVjeCcLHl8Z4YbQo9GUq/s1600/5dc5ffb6a0bd516a05a0c6db7ad72806.jpg" height="317" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
One year ago today the most serious relationship of my life ended. April Fools Day was certainly a fitting time for it to happen, too. We weren't married, but we did live together for the better part of two years and were raising a child together. The aftermath felt like a divorce and as if someone took my child away from me. I was losing people I'd come to love as my own family, too. <br />
<br />
I cried daily for several months leading up to it and in the month before I moved to St. Louis. I didn't know if I'd ever be happy again. I even told myself that the break-up was just temporary and that we'd eventually find our way back to each other. I laugh now thinking about that. The first month that I was here in St. Louis, completely alone was really hard. Sure, I had my family and oldest friends around me, which was fantastic, but I couldn't help but feel that so much of who I was lost in DC and like I'd never get it back.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjL_33HJEg5ww9UptjrLFvge2sPPLE72K80KBOJZIoxyiDt1gvnhc7zagZTx9xbGYNGnWcE2E5Hns66Z8MNoNIONBGK_CVswxrgYaxAqFI3P_f-wQSp8FqLQcC8l1_8ZQjB5GLNULoFi5pG/s1600/1d4563e283f9191defa059ff2e544077.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjL_33HJEg5ww9UptjrLFvge2sPPLE72K80KBOJZIoxyiDt1gvnhc7zagZTx9xbGYNGnWcE2E5Hns66Z8MNoNIONBGK_CVswxrgYaxAqFI3P_f-wQSp8FqLQcC8l1_8ZQjB5GLNULoFi5pG/s1600/1d4563e283f9191defa059ff2e544077.jpg" height="320" width="213" /></a></div>
<br />
One day in late Summer it hit me...I had been so worried about being alone and unhappy that I didn't even realize that I hadn't been truly happy for a very long time...in my former relationship or with myself. And so began a process of peeling back the layers and understanding, accepting and forgiving myself and others.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4eyf-Zx3VTBl7bvnHwQIvqWkcfeMKuYDPkQJWDDImRFwY81e1VYr0YFhd_h6l1QNJKR1IhRFi642Hye0pDV6aVUDWsFM0Uz_Niiokd4nBT5sbYFyO08Unxj3xJ2sHMJWxoG1YDUbvc3FA/s1600/6b74f845ebb0e639c6de99a891a82b8e.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4eyf-Zx3VTBl7bvnHwQIvqWkcfeMKuYDPkQJWDDImRFwY81e1VYr0YFhd_h6l1QNJKR1IhRFi642Hye0pDV6aVUDWsFM0Uz_Niiokd4nBT5sbYFyO08Unxj3xJ2sHMJWxoG1YDUbvc3FA/s1600/6b74f845ebb0e639c6de99a891a82b8e.jpg" height="320" width="247" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
It's April Fools Day again, only this year I am leaps and bounds from person I was a year ago. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3_wVtAyL-WjmlZr4043G1tg_cg-LSzzd7ziIzTu44NP2DBlwAlhm09zkqVcgI7kI_bGmek0biKgLMzc7ihWP3D45A25ROh4YjLdUv4WVOZDXA-O5mLPYd6sucD6iqx2Q8gJVHxZWsmY85/s1600/cats.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3_wVtAyL-WjmlZr4043G1tg_cg-LSzzd7ziIzTu44NP2DBlwAlhm09zkqVcgI7kI_bGmek0biKgLMzc7ihWP3D45A25ROh4YjLdUv4WVOZDXA-O5mLPYd6sucD6iqx2Q8gJVHxZWsmY85/s1600/cats.jpg" height="160" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
I am strong. I am happy. I am
content. I am at peace. More than all of that, I love myself, not in
spite of all that I have been through but because of it. The picture on the left is of someone who faked happy for a very long time. The picture on the right is of someone who finally learned how to fight for herself and learned to love herself along the way.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7kRyJMNhcF8vw56W7XHnCRWSN__yxFQDIwaxyBxhyYDrvvqYu46b7-OgFhSs3YtBpyrKSoiFgyUHXhMn5RqvTKxWt9w11RSLpTZouY5N1u15Ja7uThfwSMMzvKRZmADsChO9tcaYBLVHx/s1600/6786aae5e694e406cc163a7a87ccd261.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7kRyJMNhcF8vw56W7XHnCRWSN__yxFQDIwaxyBxhyYDrvvqYu46b7-OgFhSs3YtBpyrKSoiFgyUHXhMn5RqvTKxWt9w11RSLpTZouY5N1u15Ja7uThfwSMMzvKRZmADsChO9tcaYBLVHx/s1600/6786aae5e694e406cc163a7a87ccd261.jpg" height="311" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
It's been the hardest fight of my life, yet the most rewarding in every possible way.<br />
<br />
<br />xoxo<br />
<br />T. Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16353300385621379332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-156677989733773680.post-47597427236024366082015-02-26T15:32:00.003-06:002015-02-26T15:33:18.516-06:00Plateaus and ignorance<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiU9mraoybALYVncHITIW7z_Vw7sewP4G1jFrihgGTfK_aIkUEbqnqXrm5Nyc636u_qjjqavOtYKjyd5MlJ-PCaUWFaEvDhHCQpAdDdsiF3UQMzqkh9fo4PPd2s2WlIqFZipDrKlr5KsABm/s1600/2f05c41d76b57349230cb5de382d1461.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiU9mraoybALYVncHITIW7z_Vw7sewP4G1jFrihgGTfK_aIkUEbqnqXrm5Nyc636u_qjjqavOtYKjyd5MlJ-PCaUWFaEvDhHCQpAdDdsiF3UQMzqkh9fo4PPd2s2WlIqFZipDrKlr5KsABm/s1600/2f05c41d76b57349230cb5de382d1461.jpg" height="320" width="314" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<br />
Hello, world!<br />
<br />
Plateaus....ugh. We've all had them but they're super frustrating. I've slept pretty poorly for the past month until this week, the weather has been so bitterly cold that it's been hard to talk myself into the gym as often as I like to go and the combo of the two gave me a flare up for a few weeks. I only lost eight pounds in the past month bringing my total weight loss to 124 pounds. Which is still amazing, I know! I've finally started sleeping well again this week, made it to class on Monday night on top of getting in another workout plus using the elliptical at work. It truly makes all the difference in the world. Hopefully, the flare is done and I can start pushing it again...oh, and thanks Living Social for offering a 1month unlimited boot camp class voucher for a great price! I loved the ones that I did last year before I left DC and I'm in a much better place now mentally to do them, not to mention weigh less than I did then and I know I'm stronger and more flexible!<br />
<br />
In other news, the dating scene never ceases to amaze me. A few weeks ago I met a guy and we hit it off really well and had tons of things in common. He was impressed by my blog and by the things I've done to better my life. We went out and a few days later (and after expressing a lot of interest to see me again) he opts to tell me via text that he had never dated anyone who weighed more than he did. But in an attempt to make himself not look like such a jerk he says "I love all of the things about you that matter most to God. And you're so pretty and have a gorgeous smile." I. Was. FLOORED. Who says that to another adult? Granted, he was smaller than any other guy I've ever dated, but still. He said it's a rule of his to not be with someone who weighs more than ten pounds above his weight and it concerned him. I let him have it, probably more than I should have but I found it ridiculous.<br />
<br />
I have worked my ass off, literally to be where I am today. I have a long way to go before I get to my goal, but I'm more than halfway through it and the first half was the hardest part. It was a reprisal to a conversation I'd had before with someone else. There is no part of me that wants to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for exactly who I am today. There is no part of me that wants to have anything to do with someone who wants me to change or expects certain things from me in terms of my weight and my health.<br />
<br />
I made the decision two years ago to better my life and I have fought tooth and nail for it. I am physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually healthier than I've ever been and I know where I'm going. Shouldn't that be enough? It absolutely is enough for me. I have no problem sharing my goals and my struggles with someone, case and point this blog. Don't ever let anyone make you feel like you aren't enough exactly as you are TODAY. Nobody has the promise of tomorrow and you can't predict what life will throw at you.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfQBBSvZzAD5zjTu5q2JGqADWcQh2APtYNZ01N-TVS4kH1hJ4Onf1rspE9P3_8ZQSA07sRR83uGGLyRVtN2OKUSSIBedDkLH8fhl1Uiyql9kN9VhWh6kV0GNoXkB5lMf0F8FzSVyEqf2L2/s1600/11021201_756770204950_2932731013142364422_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfQBBSvZzAD5zjTu5q2JGqADWcQh2APtYNZ01N-TVS4kH1hJ4Onf1rspE9P3_8ZQSA07sRR83uGGLyRVtN2OKUSSIBedDkLH8fhl1Uiyql9kN9VhWh6kV0GNoXkB5lMf0F8FzSVyEqf2L2/s1600/11021201_756770204950_2932731013142364422_n.jpg" height="300" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
You choose the direction that you take your life. You choose to change your story. You choose to be better. You choose those things for yourself, not for someone else.<br />
<br />
xoxoT. Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16353300385621379332noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-156677989733773680.post-21308851986657146922015-02-17T15:29:00.000-06:002015-02-17T15:29:23.354-06:00Liver cleansing...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAEtZY9jT0J5xNszL2oAlonP_ZV05oQkxJwOKtP1QySc263AcHNKn6fZUmqaiFOr3UxEwxoiiglzf3BcSfvV69xbEKzMekYSg2GQyAK2lSpTN0vJ9oiOaKIY2yK4Uhn36WsWTBoObi6vtw/s1600/7d2e2f05eb436b4f464c7e8906cc44e0.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAEtZY9jT0J5xNszL2oAlonP_ZV05oQkxJwOKtP1QySc263AcHNKn6fZUmqaiFOr3UxEwxoiiglzf3BcSfvV69xbEKzMekYSg2GQyAK2lSpTN0vJ9oiOaKIY2yK4Uhn36WsWTBoObi6vtw/s1600/7d2e2f05eb436b4f464c7e8906cc44e0.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
Hello world!<br />
<br />
I've been a little bit MIA the past couple of weeks. I've wanted to do this post for a week now but have just been busy. I'm gearing up to do a big liver cleanse so this is fitting. As you all know, I'm a huge proponent of juicing, drinking hot lemon water and anything else that can truly detox your system after all of the years of medications.<br />
<br />
Last month I had posted about the benefits of drinking hot water with lemon (and honey sometimes) and my dad asked a few questions about it but said nothing else after that. Last week he had this to report: " <span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".5d.1:3:1:$comment1561076887465513_1561268987446303:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body"><span class="UFICommentBody" data-reactid=".5d.1:3:1:$comment1561076887465513_1561268987446303:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body.0"><span data-reactid=".5d.1:3:1:$comment1561076887465513_1561268987446303:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body.0.$end:0:$0:0">I
got results yesterday on blood work done last week. For several weeks
prior, I have been drinking (twice daily) a cup of HOT water with 2 tbls
of lemon juice, 1 tbls apple cider vinegar, 1 tbls raw honey, and a
dash of cinnamon. My good cholesterol was UP, my bad cholesterol was
DOWN, triglycerides were DOWN, sugar was DOWN, liver function was
BETTER!!!" </span></span></span><br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".5d.1:3:1:$comment1561076887465513_1561268987446303:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body"><span class="UFICommentBody" data-reactid=".5d.1:3:1:$comment1561076887465513_1561268987446303:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body.0"><span data-reactid=".5d.1:3:1:$comment1561076887465513_1561268987446303:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body.0.$end:0:$0:0"><br /></span></span></span>
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".5d.1:3:1:$comment1561076887465513_1561268987446303:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body"><span class="UFICommentBody" data-reactid=".5d.1:3:1:$comment1561076887465513_1561268987446303:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body.0"><span data-reactid=".5d.1:3:1:$comment1561076887465513_1561268987446303:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body.0.$end:0:$0:0">For my dad, that's huge. When I was eight, he had a massive heart attack, quadruple bypasses and has had multiple heart attacks since. In the past couple of years since I started my journey, he has lost quite a bit of weight, too. I'm proud of him for trying to help his own cause. It's not always easy but any improvement to your health is a good thing. </span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".5d.1:3:1:$comment1561076887465513_1561268987446303:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body"><span class="UFICommentBody" data-reactid=".5d.1:3:1:$comment1561076887465513_1561268987446303:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body.0"><span data-reactid=".5d.1:3:1:$comment1561076887465513_1561268987446303:0.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1:$comment-body.0.$end:0:$0:0">So let's talk about the liver and why it's so important. </span></span></span>The liver is the largest organ inside the body and it filters over 32oz. of blood per minute. The liver has more than 200 functions
and plays a role in nearly all body functions such as digestion and
conversion of nutrients, eliminating waste, producing bile for fat
digestion, energy and nutrient storage, controlling cholesterol levels,
monitoring natural hormonal balance, producing immune factors to fight
infections, detoxifies the blood by filtering toxins such as alcohol,
medications, pesticides, environmental chemicals, dead cells, cigarette
smoke, air pollutants and natural waste from digestion and respiration. So is it a coincidence that by improving his liver function, his cholesterol has improved? No, not at all.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPyeDYLwTAlznv4GT9HFLG3EOcdWJpdR8qXh-ED6ccPjzIHy4CP4dPWtOc3poH75sOs0WGt8INCgBwJ9x8NmOqnZa2eO1z_trKpEa8U-1ip-9SceAVfPicGy0jpULaSI4bUjCf5qFZPKD2/s1600/098ebca9e77bd1a03828031858164bdd.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPyeDYLwTAlznv4GT9HFLG3EOcdWJpdR8qXh-ED6ccPjzIHy4CP4dPWtOc3poH75sOs0WGt8INCgBwJ9x8NmOqnZa2eO1z_trKpEa8U-1ip-9SceAVfPicGy0jpULaSI4bUjCf5qFZPKD2/s1600/098ebca9e77bd1a03828031858164bdd.jpg" height="242" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
Below is an excerpt from Cherie Calbom's website, <a href="http://www.juiceladycherie.com/Juice/cleansing-detoxification/" target="_blank">http://www.juiceladycherie.com</a>. I have a few of her books and have done several cleanses that she talks about.<br />
<br />
"The liver is a prime place for the body to store toxins that can’t be
excreted. Highly toxic chemicals can pass through the liver, including
residues from pesticides and herbicides. And it doesn’t take a megadose
of toxins or irritating substances to weaken the liver of some
individuals. It can be damaged by a variety of medications, alcohol, and
viruses.<br />
<br />
Alcoholics are notorious for having bad livers because alcohol is a
powerful liver toxin. Over time, heavy drinkers can develop severe
scarring of the liver and loss of cells in that vital organ. Chronic
heavy drinkers with damaged, poorly functioning livers are also at high
risk of liver cancer. This is a result of the chronic scarring,
inflammation, and exposure to toxins. But it may not be only heavy
drinking that causes problems for some people. Researchers have found
even small amounts of alcohol can cause fat deposits in the livers of
susceptible individuals.<br />
<br />
As a consequence of our modern diet, many people have considerable
congestion and even gallstones in their liver. This may be true even
though a person has not had a history of gallstones. Gallstones in the
liver are an impediment to acquiring and maintaining good health,
youthfulness, and vitality. They are, indeed, one of the major reasons
people become ill and have difficulty recuperating from illness or
recovering from disease.<br />
<br />
Liver congestion and stagnation are quite common, yet conventional
medicine has no way to determine this. Relying on blood tests for
diagnostic purposes concerning liver congestion is inadequate. Most
people who have a physical ailment have perfectly normal liver enzymes
in the blood, despite suffering liver congestion and stagnation. Liver
enzymes become elevated in the blood only when there is advanced liver
cell destruction, as in hepatitis or liver inflammation. Liver cells
contain large amounts of enzymes, and when they are ruptured, the
enzymes enter the blood and signal liver abnormalities. By then, the
damage has already occurred. It takes many years of congestion before
such an event becomes possible. Therefore, cleansing the liver is an
excellent preventative measure as well as a healing, restorative, and
rejuvenating practice."<br />
<br />
<h4>
Symptoms of a Toxic Liver</h4>
<ul>
<li>Abdominal discomfort</li>
<li>Aches and pains</li>
<li>Brown spots on the face and hands</li>
<li>Dark circles under the eyes</li>
<li>Anal itching</li>
<li>Bad breath</li>
<li>Body odor</li>
<li>Sallow or jaundiced complexion</li>
<li>Whitish or yellow tongue coating</li>
<li>Digestive problems (belching and flatulence)</li>
<li>Dizziness</li>
<li>Drowsiness after eating</li>
<li>Fatigue</li>
<li>Frequent urination at night</li>
<li>Migraine headaches or headaches that involve a feeling of fullness or heaviness in the head</li>
<li>Inability to tolerate heat or cold</li>
<li>Sleeplessness (insomnia)</li>
<li>Loss of memory or inability to concentrate</li>
<li>Irritability</li>
<li>Loss of sexual desire</li>
<li>Lower back pain</li>
<li>Malaise</li>
<li>Menstrual problems</li>
<li>Nervousness and anxiety</li>
<li>Pain around the right shoulder blade and shoulder (also connected with gallbladder congestion) Puffy eyes and/or face</li>
<li>Red nose</li>
<li>Small red spots on the skin (either smooth or raised and hard— known as cherry angiomas)</li>
<li>Sinus problems</li>
<li>Allergies</li>
<li>Candidiasis</li>
<li>Constipation</li>
<li>Hemorrhoids</li>
<li>Cellulite</li>
<li>Premenstrual syndrome</li>
</ul>
<h4>
Benefits of Cleansing the Liver</h4>
<ul>
<li>Clearer, brighter complexion</li>
<li>Dark circles disappear from under the eyes</li>
<li>Some age spots may disappear</li>
<li>Digestion improves</li>
<li>Weight loss becomes easier; cellulite goes away</li>
<li>Energy increases</li>
<li>Sleep improves; need to urinate during the night improves</li>
<li>Aches and pains disappear</li>
<li>Headaches often cease</li>
<li>Memory improves</li>
<li>Mood is better</li>
<li>Allergies go away</li>
<li>Facial puffiness disappears</li>
</ul>
After the decade and a half that I spent on such toxic medications, I frequently do a series of cleanses, liver being one of them. If your liver isn't functioning properly, the rest of your body wont either. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdhWoXsM9q8OPlW7FqRFUy9u2NPvmigNdXWnP_i6-jvj4F32baviMObAFYkvtBhmeJW3BvoRQeN0iLHSrSAv_mzgRzmO9leWdOopfGVheF9xKrFJAvEVjMFu2Uh9Dch53qk9UenwrQNA1N/s1600/a9125c03b09fbdb18d9baa7409c01122.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdhWoXsM9q8OPlW7FqRFUy9u2NPvmigNdXWnP_i6-jvj4F32baviMObAFYkvtBhmeJW3BvoRQeN0iLHSrSAv_mzgRzmO9leWdOopfGVheF9xKrFJAvEVjMFu2Uh9Dch53qk9UenwrQNA1N/s1600/a9125c03b09fbdb18d9baa7409c01122.jpg" height="320" width="289" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
xoxo<br />
T. Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16353300385621379332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-156677989733773680.post-59484773645791414502015-01-30T11:22:00.003-06:002015-02-26T14:56:01.568-06:00This is where the healing begins...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
Good morning, world!<br />
<br />
I love blogging.<br />
<br />
I truly do. I don't just have my blog but I also belong to some other groups in which my story is shared with people all over the world. For the longest time I was ashamed of my story because I felt like I was so different. I was tormented horribly for years because of my story by others.The physical and emotional pain I felt from such a young age that I thought might be my life indefinitely is so far removed now. I have people reach out to me on a daily basis to tell me that because of my willingness to share my story, it's inspired them and made them believe that they can absolutely change their story, too. That heals my soul like nothing else ever has or ever could I think.<br />
<br />
I love Blogger's format because it allows me to see all of the countries my blog has been read in. US, Canada, UK, Australia, Slovenia, Hong Kong, New Zealand, Indonesia, Ireland, Netherlands, Philippines, France, Germany, Poland, Mexico, Austria, Panama, Belgium, Norway, Russia, Japan, Pakistan, Turkey, Brazil, South Africa, Singapore, Finland and Ukraine. 28 countries.<br />
<br />
People always ask "Why does God allow this to happen to someone?" For a long time I did wonder "Why me? Why do I have to endure this? Will it ever stop?" Had a friend not been horribly sick for many years and shared his story with me, I wouldn't be where I am today. I never would have started juicing nor would I know anything about Primal/Paleo. I wouldn't know about how much you can heal yourself when you take doctors and medications out of the equation. If I hadn't had all of those experiences, I wouldn't be able to help others the way that I have. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqiX38eoCOuAm7wBr46cxjGKUQpHPEiFX7G1E_X5xwkDchZhLiub1NyzfU7F9MpMW0B-5KQOu7j704G2yH2fyj_rdLGOllYdAWzefm6mMekx6Sj0MohUke2wSH1_5zxSAS21ri-3Q8zaPp/s1600/99b7a98f13b39afc83ff38b76a42f41d.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqiX38eoCOuAm7wBr46cxjGKUQpHPEiFX7G1E_X5xwkDchZhLiub1NyzfU7F9MpMW0B-5KQOu7j704G2yH2fyj_rdLGOllYdAWzefm6mMekx6Sj0MohUke2wSH1_5zxSAS21ri-3Q8zaPp/s1600/99b7a98f13b39afc83ff38b76a42f41d.jpg" height="320" width="229" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="verse">
There is a song called<i> <a href="http://youtu.be/BFUHrXfuNU4" target="_blank">Healing Begins</a></i> by a group called Tenth Avenue North. My favorite part of the song says "Afraid to let your secrets out, everything that you hide can come crashing through the door now. But too scared to face all your fear, so you hide but you find that the shame won't disappear. So let it fall down. There's freedom waiting in the sound when you let your walls fall to the ground."</div>
<br />
<br />
At dinner last night with a girlfriend, we were talking about the freedom I feel in knowing that I can't possibly feel more hurt than I've already felt before. While we were talking about something very specific, I feel as though that notion spills over into every part of my life. Physically, I can't possibly feel pain worse than what I've felt before. Emotionally, there is nothing that can ever hurt me more than I've already been hurt before. Spiritually, I can never be lower than I was before. There is such freedom in knowing that about myself. To know that my worst days are truly behind me and there is no turning back now is a truly incredible feeling.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8WEB2b0IRe2MlrtxmP7ZgsgurUOmlbGuCSbnwPk-FlBf0RcIzT0ZjN83X-qbxiqb0IGaXdn39oAWWYeon2enOvEkVHtvqI32spAljO0FIi19CsdoUNPJJlPMRHJ1WjHS0ydzs0H5qpHQm/s1600/1e7655134e9fdde9f063dfcef5ec86b1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8WEB2b0IRe2MlrtxmP7ZgsgurUOmlbGuCSbnwPk-FlBf0RcIzT0ZjN83X-qbxiqb0IGaXdn39oAWWYeon2enOvEkVHtvqI32spAljO0FIi19CsdoUNPJJlPMRHJ1WjHS0ydzs0H5qpHQm/s1600/1e7655134e9fdde9f063dfcef5ec86b1.jpg" height="320" width="213" /></a></div>
<br />
For so many years I feel as though I walked through life merely existing. I have lived more in the past two years than the twenty-seven years before that. I embrace the life I have and know that God has absolutely used every part of me and my story. I know that I was designed to do more than just exist.<br />
<br />
What's your story?<br />
<br />
xoxoT. Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16353300385621379332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-156677989733773680.post-28047854689232873832015-01-28T10:56:00.000-06:002015-01-28T10:56:35.177-06:00Some days...What?! Some days I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror, or notice that a sweater seems even bigger than it was a few weeks ago and I stop and stare. Today was one of those days. I ditched the sweater and couldn't believe what I saw in the mirror. It's so amazing to me the way the weight and inches have just been coming off since early Fall. More than that, I'm amazed by the internal transformation. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1BM5OZhS8TQL7m8YomghQ8rYKdL6fTKoGSK18crItBHGj_8OtIfrGRCCVmpQ4lTpBY1tN_qgxwXh_MIVB3lGr2UTmwxBE5GUHJET3tUCttL7wShM9-AI57TvU8nJUJAS0-D8FUX6QFw6d/s1600/july-jan.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1BM5OZhS8TQL7m8YomghQ8rYKdL6fTKoGSK18crItBHGj_8OtIfrGRCCVmpQ4lTpBY1tN_qgxwXh_MIVB3lGr2UTmwxBE5GUHJET3tUCttL7wShM9-AI57TvU8nJUJAS0-D8FUX6QFw6d/s1600/july-jan.jpg" height="400" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
Your size doesn't make you happy. There will always be something about your body that you don't like no matter how much you weigh or what the tag on your clothing says. I've had months of soul searching now and I know that the people who know me best are also blown away. For the first time in my life my happiness is truly about myself. I accepted my size a long time ago after years and years of trying to lose weight but never being able to. I accepted that I would "live" my life in pain and discomfort as I had for more than a decade. I accepted that because it was all I had known for most of my life. One day in the Fall, I realized that just because you accept something doesn't mean you give up on the idea of what could be. Combining the juicing, eating mostly Primal/Paleo, chiropractic care plus truly understanding that I am SO much more than I have ever given myself credit for or ever allowed myself to be has made such a huge difference.<br />
<br />
I am the happiest that I have ever been. I feel the best that I have ever felt. You know what's even more awesome than that? Knowing that I'm nowhere near finished with this whole process.<br />
<br />
xoxoT. Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16353300385621379332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-156677989733773680.post-83566217283622114672015-01-20T13:29:00.000-06:002015-01-20T13:29:05.739-06:00Let's talk juice...Hello, world!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNOiEpOl8XEkilYVU-0t5td4O_af-vpLRY-nxb4O3zfVGaolcxpJq1yIPWXUqsqJOLQRcEhQRyuB-sR4339GNeHchQ3hOweXdK2roSLZQFzSGw-m9xfVCP3Ikac8epGG2d-YGo8WPdfLJq/s1600/IMG_20150120_085921_edit(1).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNOiEpOl8XEkilYVU-0t5td4O_af-vpLRY-nxb4O3zfVGaolcxpJq1yIPWXUqsqJOLQRcEhQRyuB-sR4339GNeHchQ3hOweXdK2roSLZQFzSGw-m9xfVCP3Ikac8epGG2d-YGo8WPdfLJq/s1600/IMG_20150120_085921_edit(1).jpg" height="279" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mean Green juice that I made this morning...gorgeous, isn't it?</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
I've had a lot of people asking me about juicing lately. I love to juice. It's truly changed my life. I knew before I started that juicing wouldn't be a diet per se, but instead would become a new lifestyle or identity. I knew that in starting to juice I would be leaving an old life filled with pain, agony, medications, doctors and depression behind me. Guess what...that's exactly what I've done!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCnWGF1bpn__l9Le9-fQXzVPlSNdsWusctL5gyUd49hblLroV9pshbiEqbzsDLMtdIbC_63QHiDkFk-GB0OGyrOuvmgYYQD4DRb1xpax_EnD32Mokg1ioiSaNbAPcukQlrIj9AWanJhwKr/s1600/004742dabb246703ae069c97e6504793.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCnWGF1bpn__l9Le9-fQXzVPlSNdsWusctL5gyUd49hblLroV9pshbiEqbzsDLMtdIbC_63QHiDkFk-GB0OGyrOuvmgYYQD4DRb1xpax_EnD32Mokg1ioiSaNbAPcukQlrIj9AWanJhwKr/s1600/004742dabb246703ae069c97e6504793.jpg" height="320" width="213" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
Here are some great links from Joe the Juicer's website that talk about juicing and rebooting/detoxing...he's definitely an expert!<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.rebootwithjoe.com/juicing/benefits/" target="_blank">Juicing Benefits</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.rebootwithjoe.com/rebooting/" target="_blank">Rebooting</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.rebootwithjoe.com/juicing-vs-blending-facts/" target="_blank">Juicing vs. Blending</a><br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPZbWwjomxd6JA90EPSHt02VX8e7dOW5ZPISTena43L7kUXfSDPa0yYIdYbqHkRo4d3L-9i50uBriMtkoEEzGhkAG-9XA-j927Ksr9OGwtMbzx7KQyntcUSZAEKcqMb3E1QX41CrhLk9kI/s1600/bfb5924f853c0394fb6df1b1ebef15f7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPZbWwjomxd6JA90EPSHt02VX8e7dOW5ZPISTena43L7kUXfSDPa0yYIdYbqHkRo4d3L-9i50uBriMtkoEEzGhkAG-9XA-j927Ksr9OGwtMbzx7KQyntcUSZAEKcqMb3E1QX41CrhLk9kI/s1600/bfb5924f853c0394fb6df1b1ebef15f7.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
Something else that I do on a daily basis now is drink at least one large cup of hot water with lemon in the mornings. I've grown to like it so much that if I need a boost in the afternoons (like today) I'll have more.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2sSMbDWj2ipUN40mSGpTFfE5ceti2PwPuouiLeDIL1Grx95s2DpRo2IqhhEaj_4kgXTw2Bv-paMVjkA-pgw6wSriKa9s_zIeu5u4RUa8T-Y7f9kldJO49ABOWCvseXcsV84MjB3PP3LBv/s1600/8a4f4c2d8e5af50fa8738585b01be177.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2sSMbDWj2ipUN40mSGpTFfE5ceti2PwPuouiLeDIL1Grx95s2DpRo2IqhhEaj_4kgXTw2Bv-paMVjkA-pgw6wSriKa9s_zIeu5u4RUa8T-Y7f9kldJO49ABOWCvseXcsV84MjB3PP3LBv/s1600/8a4f4c2d8e5af50fa8738585b01be177.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Total weight loss as of this morning: 116 pounds<br />
<br />
xoxo<br />
T. Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16353300385621379332noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-156677989733773680.post-16517291184818065982015-01-15T10:39:00.003-06:002015-01-28T10:59:10.264-06:00So far...<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjO8M_rEcYttXaxYvTg-vifmYo6kYv-37R7CVqsE9pzDNRLf6rNyDK9k1mfCiOZxR1ZG2Fhd2y_IFzqqqxCar5TwocLJ2L59Ynvdh9ZICMzA_vB7NwJ6axY3jf3DPQCGkiYqg8c2xLJCy9Y/s1600/thinface.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjO8M_rEcYttXaxYvTg-vifmYo6kYv-37R7CVqsE9pzDNRLf6rNyDK9k1mfCiOZxR1ZG2Fhd2y_IFzqqqxCar5TwocLJ2L59Ynvdh9ZICMzA_vB7NwJ6axY3jf3DPQCGkiYqg8c2xLJCy9Y/s1600/thinface.jpg" height="201" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Left-December 2008...Right-December 2014</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
There are times I walk past a mirror or see a picture of myself and I almost don't recognize myself. Most of the time it has nothing to do with the weight loss. My mother told me in the fall how good it was to see me so happy. I thought at the time it had to do with the guy I was dating who I had taken home with me. Last weekend, someone told me that when they look at me they see someone who finally sees what other have always seen. I corrected them and said "No, that's called happy. You see happy and you see peace." I've never had this as an adult. Happy on my own. Happy to have virtually no pain for the first time in 16 years. Happy to be exactly where I am at this very moment.<br />
<br />
I went to a new chiropractor last night after work (yay!) and we talked at length about total wellness vs. purely physical health. I told him that has been my focus for several months now. He asked me what sort of a difference that has made and I told him it's made all of the difference<i> </i>in the world.<br />
<br />
A friend sent this to me a couple of weeks ago and I have it saved in my phone. Once in a while when scrolling through pictures I see it and think "so far."<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAGhCsqbQdWFDR4vBX_PV7p7Mx50hwGvhpusXYCx86Suo33HR1hyphenhyphenSHnAQSbvOjGmv0kLYwgkt9iFsq8tfen45UOCCXHGxBbJw6QYW83rhGUmS4IrNpr3XFTC7EeuhO6UBQqugL-X5JpQE5/s1600/8e17a7c61cf78141e45e979c99f507b9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAGhCsqbQdWFDR4vBX_PV7p7Mx50hwGvhpusXYCx86Suo33HR1hyphenhyphenSHnAQSbvOjGmv0kLYwgkt9iFsq8tfen45UOCCXHGxBbJw6QYW83rhGUmS4IrNpr3XFTC7EeuhO6UBQqugL-X5JpQE5/s1600/8e17a7c61cf78141e45e979c99f507b9.jpg" height="640" width="512" /></a></div>
<br />T. Tuckerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16353300385621379332noreply@blogger.com0